Another Year Another Lesson

Happy belated birthday Libras!

I am a few weeks post-birthday but better late than never. This year has been a tough one. With another year in the books, comes another life lesson. 

37 is shaping up nicely, a far cry from 36 which came only 3 weeks after my dad passed away suddenly. "Suddenly" is an important word to add here. "Suddenly" is not just painful, it leaves you completely bewildered. The weeks after are very foggy. I remember coming back to Colorado to a half packed up house. I just wanted to lay down and sleep for a few years. Just until the pain went away and I could feel normal again. Life doesn't give a damn if you are in pain, it just keeps on moving anyway.

Just like this... 

Two weeks later we headed from the mountains to the front range to await our next move to Seattle. I remember the joy of being busy. Unpacking, cleaning, rearranging, ignoring my feelings, making plans with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. My friends in Colorado Springs were ready to embrace me with open arms and wipe my tears away... but I didn't show them any. 

Nope, crying is for the weak. I am too strong for such nonsense.  I would pencil in some time once a week or so to write and let out my feelings. Just enough time to process a piece of it, but not enough to fall apart. Autumn turned into winter and winter melted into spring and I became a raging workaholic. No social life, no time, no feels. I was working, packing, parenting, or rage cleaning... aka trying to control something when life seems uncontrollable.

Hard work is good for the soul, teach 'em young.

In May it was time for "The Big" move. This time frame gets really hazy. There was so much worry, so much anxiety, so many things went wrong, so much money wasted. Once the dust settled we were here in Seattle. Dan started his Endo program and it was just the kids and I. Enough work to keep me busy but not enough to suffocate my thoughts. 

I was dreading Seattle but everything happens for a reason. Those summer days at Lake Washington, with the kids (with limited internet), left me plenty of time to think, to feel, and to allow time to dissect the aftermath of it all. 

The kiddos at Lake Washington.

Kids have an interesting way of dealing with life events. My son spent every day for three weeks, after we got here, packing all of his sister's doll house furniture into his large green semi-truck and driving around the house. He did this: Every. Single. Day. It was his way of processing the mess of moving. 

Moving day or Groundhog Day?

Alternatively, my daughter spent every waking minute never leaving my side. When Dan was around she hung on his neck, arm, or leg. She can still be seen almost always having one hand on us to make sure we don't pack up and move without her.

This year had an unhealthy amount of life changing events. Since I can't change what happened, and it serves no purpose to dwell on "why," I spent the summer processing my reactions to these events. 

Why would anyone think it isn't acceptable to cry after losing a loved one? 

Why does anger makes you stronger but sadness makes you weak? 

Why try and control things that are uncontrollable? 

Why do I try and change the way the kids are reacting when they are owning their feelings? 

The last one struck a nerve. I am projecting onto them what I don't accept in myself. Carl Jung was the ring leader for accepting your "shadow." He concluded that the only way to fully accept yourself, and others, meant you had to face and accept all of yourself. That includes your worst parts, the parts you try and hide, and the qualities you dislike in others. 

Kids are a blank slate. They don't try and hide anything. In fact they are the masters at overreaction, am I right? They have no life experiences to compare with, so every sadness is the worst thing that could ever happen.  Ever!

A perfect example of this was on the day of the eclipse. I was busy rearranging a closet in the bedroom, and my daughter came to the doorway with red puffy eyes and tears streaming down her cheeks. She had obviously been softly crying for a while. When I asked her what was wrong, she said "I miss Daddy!" and proceeded to sit down and wail. I stood there a moment thinking why on earth is she crying?  He left 2 hours ago for school and he will be back at 5pm. Sigh... the teenage years are going to be hell.  Luckily I was already deep into my quest for knowledge on emotional self care.   (Book list appears at the bottom of this post, because I love getting my nerd on.)

The eclipse was a nice distraction.

I carried her to the couch and gave her a squeeze. I told her I missed Daddy too but he would be home in a few hours. She was welcome to cry if she felt like it. With that, my new parenting style was born. 

I (try to) no longer say things like:

• "stop crying" 
• "you shouldn't be angry" 
• "knock it off" 

Instead I accept their feelings and say things like: 

• "it's okay to feel sad" 
• "it makes sense to be angry about that" 
• "you can feel that way"  

I don't always accept the behavior that comes along with the emotion... so it sounds more like: 

• "It's okay to feel sad, but tone down the scream crying" (if you have girls you know exactly what I'm talking about) 
• "It makes sense to be angry, but we don't hit" 
• "You can feel that way, just pick yourself up off the floor of Target and let's get out of here so you can do that safely at home." 

Better still I've been able to say the same things to myself; instead of withdrawing and rage cleaning. Although rage cleaning will always have it's purpose. I have a healthier view of myself and I can lend an empathetic and supportive ear to my friends that end up crying in a closet after they have been drinking. We all have them, we all love them, we all want them to accept themselves too.

At 37 I am still trying to control the uncontrollable... I like a good challenge... but I am working on embracing those emotions I once suppressed. Maybe one day I will cry at hallmark commercials and newborn babies, but for today I will settle for the happy tears that come when I uncork that bottle of wine and toast my 37th year. Here's to feeling strong, going with the flow, and making the lives better of everyone we meet.  Cheers!

Apothic White... my new favorite!

Thank you for reading friends! Please like, share, message, or comment if this post gave you some feels of your own.

Reading List:

Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford

Romancing the Shadow: A Guide to Soul Work for a Vital, Authentic Life by Connie Zweig & Steven Wolf

The Mindful Child: How to Help Your Kid Manage Stress and Become Happier, Kinder, and More Compassionate by Susan Greenland

Everyday Blessings: The Inner work of Mindful Parenting by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn Hall & Melissa Cook

I Thought It Was Just Me: Making the Journey from "What will people think?" to "I am enough" by Brene Brown

More Books:

The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama & Desmond Tutu

Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg

Happy National Coffee Day: Darwin's Coffee

Today is National Coffee Day! In honor of this day, in the coffee capital of the US, I have loaded up on 30 ounces and then spent 10 minutes singing the Song That Never Ends. Both kids are now completely avoiding me and I get to post this amazing article written about my cousin's coffee business. Please read, like and share!

Darwin’s Coffee offers high quality coffee beans from specialty farmers across the globe. This specialty company roasts the beans when you order them and then ships them right away. This ensures the absolute freshest taste possible in your cup. This is their story.

How it Started

A fortuitous meeting at a coffee cupping event in Michigan was the start of it all. Brian Brusich had a background in chemistry. He met Darwin Pavon at a coffee tasting event in 2015 in the city of Flushing. Honduran by birth, Darwin had a background in agricultural engineering. His area of expertise? The soil. Darwin had previously worked with various types of farmers before jumping into the roasting business. He became adept at analyzing the soil and growing conditions to develop fertilizers and improve crop yields. Brian and Darwin hit it off at the cupping, and the idea for a new coffee roasting business began to form. Darwin’s Single Origin Coffee came into existence in 2016. This unique roaster eliminates the middle-man, importing high quality beans directly from the source.

“We work in a direct relationship with farmers all around the globe to locate and deliver our absolute favorite coffees from our travels.”

From the World to You

It’s a complex process to get beans from small farms all over the world into your kitchen cup. Many of these coffee farms are very small. They are also quite often located in extremely rural parts of the world. Infrastructure makes travel to and from these farms tricky. As a result, exporting from these farms is a challenging process. But fair trade and sustainability go hand in hand with the small-farm model. That’s what Darwin’s Coffee is committed to.

Darwin grew up in Honduras, and personally benefited from a local community mission known as The Micah Project. It’s a faith-based non-profit organization dedicated to providing at-risk Honduran youth with resources and skills to make a better future for themselves. Darwin’s Coffee has also supported The Micah Project in the past. Brian and Darwin hope to support other similar community groups in the future.

Coffee Variety is the Spice of Life

What bean variety is the best seller at Darwin’s? Well, coffee is a subjective addiction. Taste buds vary from culture to culture and from person to person. In the big picture, the bean from the Santa Helena region of Honduras is one of their best sellers. It has a bright taste with notes of citrus, floral, milk chocolate, and bright blueberry. The coffee inventory on the website rotates based on seasonality and types of green beans that Brian and Darwin keep on hand.

Java lovers can explore the world and compare the unique flavors from cup to cup. Darwin’s sells varieties from the regions of Honduras, Guatemala, Ethiopia, Sumatra, Costa Rica, Columbia, and Nepal.

Why do Brian and Darwin travel directly to these farms (besides getting to see the world)? Brian explained it this way.

• Direct trade relationships benefit both roasters and producers.
• Brian and Darwin can see the quality of production in person.
• Darwin’s Coffee can help farmers who can't export themselves for whatever reason (usually logistics). Brian and Darwin facilitate relationships so those farmers can benefit from direct trade by proxy. It’s a win-win for everyone involved!

When asked about his preferred brewing method, Brian admitted that he is a huge fan of the Chemex system when he has the luxury of time. If he’s in a bigger hurry, though, Brian does enjoy using a French press. (That’s my favorite method as well!)

My Own Personal Cupping

Brian was kind enough to send me two samples of coffee for tasting. I was so excited to get a bag of Honduran Aposento Alto to try, as well as a bag of Ethiopian Keneon Chire. And I loved that each bag came with a note card telling me all about the bean, the region, and the farm. You can also read about each farmer and see photos of each farm on the Darwin’s Coffee website. I'm a firm believer in fair trade, direct trade, and sustainability. Because of this, I find the detailed information extremely valuable.

Even though each variety was grown in vastly different regions, I wanted to try these coffees side by side.

 

The first thing I do when trying a new variety of java is open the bag and take several long sniffs. OH, MY! The first aroma that came to mind with the Honduran variety was roasted toffee. And cherry is the first scent that came to mind when I inhaled the Ethiopian coffee. The aroma was intense and heady for both of these cups. They were also (not surprisingly) vastly different from one another.

Each cup was rich, balanced, and unique. The descriptions provided on the enclosed cards hit the nail on the head as far as tasting notes go. The freshness was evident with each sip. I was definitely in coffee heaven!

Check out their website, explore a new flavor, and support a coffee farmer directly with your purchase. You’ll be glad you did!

Minimizing: The Video Follow Up

I am NOT a video person, so here is my first attempt at a video blog post. This is just a video to show you what my house looks like now that I have minimized the first round of stuff. Clearly I have plenty left. I didn't go into detail with the kitchen, because it would have been a lot of partially empty cupboards. 

 

Thanks for watching and I apologize for any motion sickness you may receive as a result of this video.  

 



 

 

 

Becoming a Minimalist

This post is about minimizing, but it's about to get a LOT deeper. 2017 is all about soul work. The best place to start is on the outside. So get out your trash bags and join in the fun. Trust me... it will be worth it.

First let me tell you why I decided to start becoming a minimalist.
There are three key reasons why it makes sense right now:

1. We are planning another move at the beginning of June.
2. This move will involve major downsizing, possibly into a 2 bedroom apartment.
3. Now is not the time to even attempt to accumulate more stuff.

Now here are three key reasons for anyone to start minimizing:

1. You are tired of organizing the same crap over and over.
2. Your stuff makes you more stressed than happy.
3. You want to start enjoying the people in your life, not the stuff that has taken over your life.

Where to begin? 

The Closet




This is very close to what my side of the closet looked like before I began.

Your closet is the ideal place to start. The closet is a place of accumulation. It doesn't matter who you are, or what your lifestyle consists of, you could stand a good closet clean out. As a matter of fact, the next time you are really stressed out or had a bad day, do not pick up that bag of chips, or that open that beer. Do not sit on your butt and start watching TV to zone out. Get your ass in that closet and start taking control. It will leave you feeling accomplished and relieve some of the stress you are carrying.

Instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, I googled closet minimizing and found a great site Project 333.

Without going into great detail, I basically cut all but my favorite 40 items. This includes shoes, accessories, purses, etc. I will need to find a job in Seattle so I had to keep a few interview type outfits and dressy clothes that I would have probably donated, so I added another 10 work related items.

The keepers. Another round of cuts before we officially leave this state.



Empty hangers. ALL of these were being used before I
started + a handful of other crappy ones I threw away.

The difference with my plan and with Project 333 is that I am not boxing up my clothes to go through another day. They are gone. Done. Adios.

Now what?

The Bathroom
After that initial clean out, I was thirsty for more. I went right for the bathroom cupboards and threw away all of the lotion except one. One single lotion that I use every day. All of the half used smelly lotions were removed. 20 hair brushes, combs, and picks were removed. I have a single hair brush and a single comb. The 50+ contact cases were tossed leaving only 2. It is amazing what you hold onto in a bathroom. You need one toothpaste, one toothbrush, one floss, one bottle of contact solution. I could have stocked a Costco with all of the crap I was hoarding in the bathroom.

Now take one minute to run over to your bathroom (or visualize that lotion storage location) and count how many bottles of lotion you have. This includes travel bottles you will never ever use. Go ahead, I'll wait...

See?!  WTF is wrong with us?!

I am left with one single caboodle full of my bathroom items like makeup, accessories, nail polish, hair ties, etc. + 1 bin of bigger hair stuff, like my curling iron, blow dryer, hair dye stuff and a few counter items I use every day... tooth stuff, deodorant, a single lotion bottle and some self tanner. Hey, I can be a minimalist and still care about how I look.



Caboodle! I know your jealous.

The Office
While I was on this minimizing high I went right for where it hurts me the most... office supplies. I had 5 bins that moved from Michigan to Florida to Colorado and everywhere in between. I never touched any of it. If I wanted something I would just go out and buy it again because I love office supply stores and I am just an incredible nerd... I hear it now.

I have 2 bins left and I know when I make my second rounds of cutting, I will be left with one solitary 20 quart bin.

The Kitchen
I hit the kitchen and went through every cupboard, every drawer. Duplicate items were tossed. I kept a fair amount of kitchen stuff, but I got rid of equally as much. I took all of the unopened boxes from the last move and stuck them out in the garage. I obviously made it through several big holidays and a few months without it. So it's gone now.

I did keep one set of functional utensils and cooking equipment. I also kept the electronic stuff that I use nearly every day: blender, toaster, Keurig, slow cooker, and a food processor. That seems like a lot still, but you should see what I got rid of: Boxes and boxes of barely used kitchen crap.



This weird room off the kitchen has only been used for storage
and garbage.

*BEFORE*

*AFTER*

*BEFORE*



*AFTER*

The Kid Stuff
Clothes... so many clothes.
I almost forgot about the kids clothes and bedrooms. This was serious business. They have so many clothes. A lot of hand me downs. I went through every piece of clothing and choose about 20 outfits - shirt/pant combo - and 5 sets of PJs per kid. I boxed up anything a size bigger and moved the rest out to the garage.

The Toys; a never ending mass of shit to pick up.
The toys that haven't been touched since we moved here are packed up and out of sight - a key when minimizing with kids. I firmly believe that toys should be imaginative and/or educational. The toy food and kitchen stays, the building sets stay, the dress up stuff stays. Games, puzzles, and other educational items stayed. Anything duplicate, broken, or annoying was tossed.

The 4 year old is VERY much into coloring, art, and crafts. While the 2 year old loves cars, trucks, a train table or his road rug.

We downsized the playroom and currently I am confident we would fit comfortably into a 3 bedroom apartment. I still have another round of minimizing to go and I am well aware that if the apartment is a 2 bedroom I will have some hard decisions to make. Let's put it this way, we did have 2 kids bedrooms, a playroom and a school room full of stuff. We are down to 2 kids bedrooms full. That's a major start.

That slide and table in the corner can be taken apart. The tent folds up.
We are ready for a 2 bedroom. <sniff><sob>

The quiet time bin system lives on!!

The Garage... ugh.
The last room to be dealt with will be the garage. Currently I have just been sticking everything out there so it is quite the disaster. When it gets warmer I will decide what gets donated, what gets moved to storage (gym equipment, holiday décor, outdoor gear) during our apartment years, and what gets taken with us.

 I wish I would have taken more before and after photos. There was such a difference in the amount of stuff. Next round I will try and make it more visual.

If you are ready to take 2017 by the balls, I suggest you drop me a message or leave a comment. Let's do this together! It's time to clean out your soul. The first step is to clean out the outside. So get minimizing, and get ready to change your life this year. There is so much more to come...

Word for 2016: Shocking

If I had one word for 2016 it would be shocking. It was full of shocking moments that were both happy and unbearably tragic. Some of the moments that will be burned into my memory are when Dan decided he wanted to go back to school, we sold a house, we moved, I lost a parent, Kenzie learned to read and write, and finally learning that a whole new journey has been laid out in front of me.

 

 

Now, I am not going to put up a white picket fence around a yard full of dog turds. There were moments this year when I pleaded with God to make me wake up from this horrific nightmare. I had to wrap my arms around my body for days because it was the only way I could physically and emotionally hold myself together. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even feel. I played the fake-it-till-you-make-it game for weeks just so no one would have to be burdened about my well-being. I felt the hands of darkness pulling at me.

However, two things always remain true:

1. Life is just a series of moments.

2. Light always trumps dark.

There is no time to succumb to the dark when you have to be a parent. With a 2 & 3 year old life is a list of tasks with no time in between for self-reflection, or grieving, or even processing. I went through the usual stages of grief, lingering in the poor me, life is unfair stage for a little too long.

 

 

When I realized that it was getting me nowhere I adopted my usual mental mantra “scientia potentia est.” Knowledge is power. I read books about grieving, I spent all of my free time - so about 15 minutes a week - writing to work out my feelings, reading more books, looking for signs, and trying to appear as normal as possible.

Finally, I just sat quietly and processed everything that had been happening in my peripheral vision. There were some really great moments mixed into this mess of change and emotion. If I had to choose between dwelling on the terrible moments and holding on to the great ones, what am I choosing right now?  Which do I want to choose?  What are YOU choosing right now?

It is in those moments that I decided I would only go to the light because light beats dark. Every. Time. Don’t believe me? Go into a dark closet in the middle of the night, turn on a flashlight or light a match… darkness can’t snuff out the light. Light always wins.

 

 

I would say most people do some soul searching after a tragedy and I am no different.  I found, nay, was guided to begin a new journey. One of the highlights includes doing random acts of kindness for people. This is interesting because up until now I have not really been much a people person. I have always preferred animals over people, I generally keep my head down so I don’t have to talk to people, and let’s face it… I am a work-at-home, small business accountant… my career literally was designed so I didn’t have to interact with people.

A few days ago I was prompted to do something kind for a stranger. Very simply, I bought a woman’s meal at subway. The moment I paid, the feeling of light and gratification I got from spending $5 on a stranger, made me happier than anything I have felt in months. My heart felt like it swelled up and was about to burst. My head was tingly like after a glass of wine on an empty stomach. You couldn’t slap the smile off my face for hours. As I was leaving subway she called out with tears in her eyes “Why did you do this?” I just called back “Merry Christmas!”

 

 

On the way home I felt my dad sitting in the passenger seat looking at me smiling. I could feel the proud radiating from him. It was a moment of complete happiness, joy, and contentment. It’s those moments of happiness when I can feel my Dad so close it’s as if he never left, and I'm beginning to realize he hasn't.

If you have lost a loved one, you have probably experienced a feeling that they were near at a particular time. My experience with my Dad being close and helping to guide me out of grief and into a realm of happiness and contentment goes way beyond this one instance, but that story is for another post, or another blog, or you might just think I’m nuts.

My 2017 journey begins with great happiness and light, when it could have easily ended in grief and darkness. To me that is shocking. I would have never imaged I would lose my Dad while he was so young. I would have never expected to find happiness while finding a way to live without him. I have new opportunities to change lives on the horizon and that is more hope than I could have possibly imagined at this point in my life.

 

 

So 2017, I am ready for you. Let’s head to Seattle and start changing the world!

If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one, please reach out to me. It would be nice to find like-minded individuals to help processes our grief together. If you see signs like pennies, feathers, rainbows, or just a feeling that you know they are there... I can assure you, they are. Thank you for reading!

A family that fills the void.

First trip home since that-which-must-not-be-named happened. I won't get into the details of my whole trip, just what I learned from the family I have been distant from since I moved away.

The morning we were leaving for Michigan started normal enough... I walked out of my bedroom to let the dogs out and Ketcher was screaming "I HAVE TO POOP!!!"

We rushed to the potty and he had explosive diarrhea. At the same time Kenzie walked in the bathroom, grabbed the teal waste basket and started puking into it.

We wrapped the car in plastic and I brought 4 changes of clothes for each of them. I was praying for no sickness on the plane, but it might have made the security line in Denver a little faster. Either way, we were lucky enough to have neither kid sick until the car ride to Flint.

A few days into the trip we went up north (Michigan style) to hang out at The Ranch. This place rivaled the ritziest place I've ever been... except maybe The Louvre for obvious reasons.  If that's what going up north is count me in!!! 

This is The Ranch at night... imagine the day time pic!
Which I forgot to take...

A giant elk was the first thing we saw at The Ranch.
You know it's real because he's peeing.

 

After dropping the kids with my nephew's very sweet fiancé, we headed to the rifle river to scatter my dad's ashes. We could feel the Devine intervention simply because the weather was strangely 65 degrees in the middle of November... in Michigan... if that isn't weird, I don't know what is.

Beautiful setting where he can fish from now on.

It was very serene and could have been emotional until, without thinking, I handed the ashes to my nephew and said "So do you want to do a ceremonial ash shaking?"  If you didn't find that line funny, say it out loud. Hear it now? 

Thanks Dad for sending me the line "ash shaking"
while we are trying to do something serious.

We headed over to one more location. It was a camp ground with the most beautiful, unfiltered view of the sunset we could have ever asked for.

If this doesn't say Heaven, what does?

I managed to keep my mouth shut at this location and I took some great pics. This is after the scattering with my mom, sister, and nephews Brandon and Wes.

Unfiltered Michigan beauty.
 

We headed back to The Ranch, where we toured the property, saw more elk and deer, and I said more inappropriate things by accident. At least I learned to keep my mouth shut while people talk about beavers.

The downside to staying at this luxury location was my daughter, who was both tired and sick, decided she would channel a demon. I know she is only 3, and we all know 3 year olds are like earthquakes, leaving devastation and tears in their wakes, but I know she CAN be a really good girl. Apparently she didn't want anyone to know that about her, so she refused to eat, she made high pitched barking noises, wouldn't keep her feet off the table, and had a threenager attitude.

My sister and her family were classy, loving, and gracious to us despite my little terror. They taught my kids how to fish, took them on tractor rides, played with bubbles, colored pictures together, and were just wonderful people to be around.

Auntie Stacy teaching Ketcher how to fish.
My Dad would have been so proud.

They really got into looking at the bugs living
under the dock.

Ketcher going for a tractor ride with Uncle Anthony.

Kenzie's turn!

This trip has shown me that the huge void my Dad left in my heart is filled by this family that I have been so distant from since I moved away.

My niece, Alayna, who is equally as goofy as she is beautiful.
My nephew, Wes & his fiancé Ashley, who are complete opposites in nearly every way, except they are both old souls that probably knew each other long before this life.
My nephew, Brandon, who grew into such a compassionate gentleman. I just wanted to kidnap him and bring him back to Colorado with us. Kenzie put up the picture he colored for her in her bedroom to remember him... since she couldn't seem to remember his name in person.
My brother-in-law, Anthony, rough around the edges, but made sure to give my kids the full ranch experience. I know he will be the one to teach them why their Papa loved the outdoors.

George Washington hair compliments of Alayna!

Most of all my sister who is more like my Dad than I think she even knows. She's compassionate, loving, great with kids, hilarious, unselfish, and gave me the most incredible way to remember my dad... by spending time with her and her amazing family.

She also, hand sewed this pillow from one of my Dad's favorite shirts for me.

Thank you Best family, I am beyond grateful to have you in my life. Dad lives on through every one of you.

Just thought this pic was funny.

Facing My Thoughts

 

The house is quiet. So eerily quiet I question if I haven't gone completely deaf. My dogs are sleeping near the windows in the living room. My kids sleep in their rooms upstairs. I am sitting on the couch feeling the sun warm up the room. It's 2pm. My work is done for the moment and I am left with my thoughts.

I have been avoiding my thoughts. Keeping busy creating activities for the kids, finding new recipes, unpacking the new house, dealing with sick kids, staying caught up with work just so I won't need to think. I guess I am worried at what I might feel when it is quiet. Sadness that I lost my Dad? Worried that we have to move again in less than a year? Nervous that my entire life is completely changing?

The answers are complicated, but ultimately I am okay. There is no doubt that my dad was taken WAY too soon for my liking, but he didn't suffer even a moment. Did you know that he had just finished an ice cream bar? He said "That was good." Isn't that how we all want to go?  His food choices and smoking habits could have ended his life with years of suffering. It would have been so much more painful to witness his robust self withering away at the hands of diabetes, heart disease, or cancer.

He is good now. I know he is good because he is with me. I used to see him only a few times a year or when he would walk through while I was FaceTiming my mom. Now I feel him with me all the time, every moment of every day. I can hear him every time I order a coke and they say "We only have Pepsi." He says "I guess I'll survive." I can see him covering his mouth and giggling when my mom finds stacks of brand new clothes buried beneath his favorite holy tee-shirts he continued to wear. I am sure Dan is channeling him when he refuses to buy gas at a station 3 cents more than the one 30 minutes away. I can still feel him rooting for the lions and then shaking his head when they play just like they always did.

I know he is with my kids too because they bring up "papa in the hat" at random times throughout the day. They haven't seen him in person in months, but they say they miss "papa in the hat" and that he is having lunch with friends. I can see him whenever Ketcher wears his lions sweatshirt, or hat.

On Halloween this year, you can bet he is going to be haunting the lady that threatened to sue him when he wore the gorilla suit and scared the living shit out of her years ago.

Maybe I don't need to avoid my thoughts completely. When I tune them in they really do bring me joy and laughter.

I am still worried about our next move. I am still trying to steady myself. I am still avoiding long silences, but I am not sad. I am living and he is right there along side me giving me strength and telling me to stop wearing jeans with holes in them.

Got it Dad! Maybe I will...

I will get back to parenting and humor as soon as I can, as always thank you for reading!