Writings from a Midlife Crisis

Whenever I sit at my computer to do some writing I always hear the digital theme song of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” playing in my head. Remember that show? If you don’t, this post is not for you.

I have been in a sort of mid-life crisis. Don’t shake your head naysayers, the average age for women to have a mid-life crisis is 40 and for men it’s closer to 50, but these are just averages. With my 20 year class reunion approaching this year, I am guessing I am not the only one going through a crisis at the moment.

My blog posts have been few and far between, mostly because I can’t seem to sit down and write something light and comical anymore. I try. I have a lot of posts written but I just can’t seem to push that ‘publish’ button. 

It's lit up in orange more like a caution button. Hmm...

You see my inner critic has been on overdrive for a long time, and it stops me right before I publish my posts. Here is just a sample of what I’ve been hearing: “No one wants to read this.” “You are wasting your time.” “You should be doing something worthwhile.” “Stop trying.” “No one can relate.” That is just about my writing. You should hear what it says about my parenting skills.

Social media has a way of making that inner critic work on overdrive doesn’t it?  Let’s add in the holidays and just scrolling through the feed on a Sunday night will make you feel like you aren’t doing enough, don’t have enough, and just plain are not enough.

This one is for you my Flushing homies.

I worked really hard for a long time to silence that negative voice in my head. Then kids came along and so did sleep deprivation, restructuring of my career, and a lack of self-care. The critic started up again clearer than before.

Two years after kid #2 was born, Dan made the decision to go back to school and it was a whirlwind of packing, moving, and selling a house. The voice quieted down because Dan and I thrive on chaos. Planning, dreaming, and wondering where this new life would take us became the new positive train of thought.

In the middle of it all, I lost my Dad. When that happened the train derailed and exploded in a fiery rage, and I didn’t want anything to change.  I didn’t want to pack up my house. I didn’t want to sell the furniture he had sat on.  I didn’t want to leave the house behind where he met my kids. On the surface, nothing in my life changed, but everything inside me had changed.  That’s when I gave up and let that negative voice take over.

                “You aren’t doing enough for these kids.”

                 

                 "If you only had a better career we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

                “You need to be a better <insert: parent, wife, daughter, friend, sister, person.>”

                “You are worthless.”

                “You will never be the person you should be.”

I constantly felt like I was letting everyone down all the time.  I had given up on myself because I couldn't see a way to make anything better. This cycle of depression is difficult to break out of. We lay in bed swaddled in our negativity, as if we deserve to be miserable. Only when we get up and do something, anything, can we lift our mood.

Anhedonia is a state of mind when you find no pleasure in anything. This was my daily state of mind. I went through the motions day in and day out. I got up every morning and made a big breakfast for my family. I homeschooled the kids and took them to the park. I made dinners and lunches and kept the house clean. I tucked my kids into bed and got my work done. I faked a smile, and silenced the critic before bed with a few cocktails. 

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how bad my thoughts were getting. One day I allowed myself to fall down the ‘rabbit hole’ and I couldn’t seem to pull myself out. The hours ticked by and I was spiraling deeper into despair.  The next day I woke up numb and decided I had enough. This was not me. 

It took about 3 days after my ‘rabbit hole’ episode to understand that I was causing my own state of distress. I started to notice the self-degrading thoughts that were constantly flowing through my head. “You are not your thoughts.” I had said this to people, yet I didn’t even see that I had let my own thoughts take over my life. Your thoughts are a compilation of opinions and almost never the actual truth.

I started to dissect my thoughts like this…

“You aren’t doing enough for these kids.” What is “enough”? I don’t know.  What do I do for my kids? I feed them, I spend time with them, I tuck them in at night, and I make them feel loved. What else is there?

“If you only had a better career we wouldn’t be in this situation.” If I had only had a better career? What’s better than setting my own hours and being home with my kids? What’s better than working from a beach or a mountain? What’s better than sitting in the sun, working from my laptop, while my kids play at the playground?

                “You need to be a better <insert: parent, wife, daughter, friend, sister, person.>” If I can’t be supportive of myself, how can I support anyone else? Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Stop holding on to unrealistic pressure and start working on a healthy state of mind.

                “You are worthless.” I don’t think my family would eat unless I was around to cook, so actually I am keeping 3 people alive and that’s worth more than anything.

                “You will never be the person you should be.” What kind of person should I be? If I can’t answer that question, then this statement is completely invalid.

Negative self talk also causes a distortion of reality. Have you ever been through an event with someone and you both have completely different perceptions? Our point of view can make all the difference in the world.

Here's an example from my own life - Moving a family of 4 across the country for Dan to specialize.  I have viewed this at both view points depending on how healthy my state of mind was at the moment.

1. View Point 1:  Even though we will be down an income, after the program is over we will be much better off. I bet there is so much to do in Seattle. This will be a fun adventure for the next 2 years! 
2. View Point 2: How can we even think about relocating to an expensive city while losing our largest income source? I have never even been to Seattle and all I know is that is rains constantly. This is going to suck. 

Can you guess which one I thought as my depression got worse?

One tool must be used to break the cycle of negativity: Writing things down. This is a must when you are trying to dissect your words because the mind is like a slippery slide that can send you in any direction. You can't do this in your head it HAS to be written down.

Here is an actual example from this week:

Task: Buying donuts for Dan's class (seriously... the only difference between this and a kindergarten class is that adults can eat sugar.)
Negative self talk: I won't be able to pick the right donuts. Everyone will complain about them and Dan will come home in a bad mood. It will be all my fault.
Perception of task: What is the point of buying these donuts that no one will like? I can't possibly pick something to satisfy everyone. There are too many choices. I'm sure I will get all the wrong ones.
Talking back to the negative voice: It's donuts. Seriously. If they don't like the ones you pick f*** it. In the unlikely event that Dan comes home moody due to donuts just tell him to pick his own donuts next time. Again... donuts... you can't really go wrong.
Actual outcome: Dan said "Everyone liked the donuts. Nice job!"

How ludicrous was it that I stressed over donuts? <shaking my head, seriously>  Next time you are stressing about something small just remember how our negative perceptions can color the silliest of tasks.

Sums it up perfectly doesn't it?

Recognizing your negative thoughts takes practice. Talking back to your negative thoughts is liberating. Replacing your negative thoughts is a skill we all need to master.

Clearly I have a long journey ahead of me, but just making these small changes has brought back some of the humor and contentment that I lost so many months ago. 

As I push the ‘publish’ button on this post, my thoughts are still:

     “Don’t do it.”
     “You are going to offend someone.”
     “No one will read this.”
     “This post is garbage.”
     “Donut stress? Don't embarrass yourself.”
     “At least you didn't use 'donut' to replace 'don't'... you saved a little shred of your dignity there.”

I am choosing to silence those thoughts right now with the hope that this post will reach someone who needs it and maybe we can take this journey together.

A must read if you have been down on yourself lately: “Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns. Also, I am not in any way a mental health professional and if you are having manic episodes or suicidal thoughts you need to seek professional help as soon as possible. There are people that can help. You are not alone.

After reading this I think we could all use a donut… donut you? Ah hem. I’ll stop now… 

Actual stock photo from Top Pot Donuts - a Seattle must!

Welcome 2018

I just read through my year end blog post for 2016 and I just shake my head. I was so inspired and hopeful and grasping at anything to mask the pain and grief. 

If I am being perfectly honest with myself about 2017 it really broke me down. All that hopeful optimism just seems a bit naïve now. 

The year started out well. I pulled myself away from the pity party I was having about losing my Dad. I focused on making moments with other people. Alas, I would lose my way all too soon.

Early in the year I took being busy to an Olympic level. A basic coping mechanism used to ignore my feelings. I won the gold but at what expense?  I worked, and worked, and worked. I packed, I homeschooled, I cooked, I cleaned, and I wore myself down to nothing: A shell of a human so out of touch with anything other than anger and stress that it became an addiction. I didn’t even want to be happy, I just wanted to be busy.  

At the same time, I threw myself into minimalism before the move. I couldn’t just condense, I had to get extreme about it. 30 pieces of clothing. 1 bag of toiletries. 1 set of bedding. 1 binder of important documents. 1 box of pictures. When we finally started our move to Seattle we went an entire month living out of suit cases. The remaining possessions were stuck on a truck and we were sort of homeless, living at hotels for weeks. When that truck showed up in front of our new rental house, the relief washed over me. I realized that I was NOT a minimalist. Minimalism has its purpose, but having options is a luxury that I absolutely took for granted until that moment.

When the unpacking was done, which didn’t take long since I minimized us down so much, I rewrote a new homeschool schedule for the kids. I scheduled our days out to the minute, never spending too much time on one activity. If you follow me on Instagram (@ayoung102) you saw all those crafty, artsy posts I did with the kids.  As summer progressed it became too hot to be in the house. We spent all day everyday outside. I incorporated our lessons into nature making letters out of sticks. Running our fingers in the sand to spell words and do math problems. I wrote stories while they played in the water and read them at night when the sun was still blazing but they were too exhausted to keep their eyes open.

It was in these sunny days and quiet nights that I realized something in me was broken. I was disconnected from myself. What did I want? What did I need? I didn’t even know. Honestly, I still don’t know. Maybe I never will.

One thing was sure, I was not going to enjoy myself in Seattle. I refused. I would not be open to this city or the people in it. This was a temporary move and I wasn’t going to get attached. Nope. I absolutely and excessively shut myself off.

As fall came, so did the cloudy, rainy days. I was walking a tightrope. If I fall, it was going to be head first into a depression. As the days passed my anxiety kept growing heavier making me lose my footing. There were days I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stand back up.

December arrived and I still couldn’t shake it. The holiday would have been ruined if it weren’t for some sage advice from Dan. He reminded me that once upon a time I wasn’t so fond of Colorado and now I look back and desperately miss my Colorado friends, the weather and the life I had there.

It was like cold water was being poured down my back. Was I simply shutting myself off from anything good here? Was I going to do that for 2 years? Why am I so stubborn about this move? When I woke up the next morning the phrase “Carpe Diem” lingered in my mind.

A few days later Dan left with Kenzie on a trip and I did not squander one second of time while he was gone. Ketch and I went to museums, brunch, and playgrounds. I chatted with other parents, exchanged numbers, and reached out for playdates. The friends I had made, that I had kept at a distance, welcomed me right in. I booked sitters, went out, and had a great time.

It was the first time in Seattle I wasn’t running on empty. I welcomed the holiday with open arms and experienced the true magic of a white Christmas never taking one unique snowflake for granted.

I finally started to fall in love with Seattle as so many people before me have done.

Capturing the absolute beauty of pink flowers in snow.

As this year draws to a close tonight, I do not welcome 2018 with hopeful optimism. Instead I welcome 2018 with the reality that things are what they are and I am going to go with the flow.  I will no longer take things for granted because life is short, and our stay in this beautiful city is even shorter. 

Carpe Diem my friends & happy New Year!

Another Year Another Lesson

Happy belated birthday Libras!

I am a few weeks post-birthday but better late than never. This year has been a tough one. With another year in the books, comes another life lesson. 

37 is shaping up nicely, a far cry from 36 which came only 3 weeks after my dad passed away suddenly. "Suddenly" is an important word to add here. "Suddenly" is not just painful, it leaves you completely bewildered. The weeks after are very foggy. I remember coming back to Colorado to a half packed up house. I just wanted to lay down and sleep for a few years. Just until the pain went away and I could feel normal again. Life doesn't give a damn if you are in pain, it just keeps on moving anyway.

Just like this... 

Two weeks later we headed from the mountains to the front range to await our next move to Seattle. I remember the joy of being busy. Unpacking, cleaning, rearranging, ignoring my feelings, making plans with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. My friends in Colorado Springs were ready to embrace me with open arms and wipe my tears away... but I didn't show them any. 

Nope, crying is for the weak. I am too strong for such nonsense.  I would pencil in some time once a week or so to write and let out my feelings. Just enough time to process a piece of it, but not enough to fall apart. Autumn turned into winter and winter melted into spring and I became a raging workaholic. No social life, no time, no feels. I was working, packing, parenting, or rage cleaning... aka trying to control something when life seems uncontrollable.

Hard work is good for the soul, teach 'em young.

In May it was time for "The Big" move. This time frame gets really hazy. There was so much worry, so much anxiety, so many things went wrong, so much money wasted. Once the dust settled we were here in Seattle. Dan started his Endo program and it was just the kids and I. Enough work to keep me busy but not enough to suffocate my thoughts. 

I was dreading Seattle but everything happens for a reason. Those summer days at Lake Washington, with the kids (with limited internet), left me plenty of time to think, to feel, and to allow time to dissect the aftermath of it all. 

The kiddos at Lake Washington.

Kids have an interesting way of dealing with life events. My son spent every day for three weeks, after we got here, packing all of his sister's doll house furniture into his large green semi-truck and driving around the house. He did this: Every. Single. Day. It was his way of processing the mess of moving. 

Moving day or Groundhog Day?

Alternatively, my daughter spent every waking minute never leaving my side. When Dan was around she hung on his neck, arm, or leg. She can still be seen almost always having one hand on us to make sure we don't pack up and move without her.

This year had an unhealthy amount of life changing events. Since I can't change what happened, and it serves no purpose to dwell on "why," I spent the summer processing my reactions to these events. 

Why would anyone think it isn't acceptable to cry after losing a loved one? 

Why does anger makes you stronger but sadness makes you weak? 

Why try and control things that are uncontrollable? 

Why do I try and change the way the kids are reacting when they are owning their feelings? 

The last one struck a nerve. I am projecting onto them what I don't accept in myself. Carl Jung was the ring leader for accepting your "shadow." He concluded that the only way to fully accept yourself, and others, meant you had to face and accept all of yourself. That includes your worst parts, the parts you try and hide, and the qualities you dislike in others. 

Kids are a blank slate. They don't try and hide anything. In fact they are the masters at overreaction, am I right? They have no life experiences to compare with, so every sadness is the worst thing that could ever happen.  Ever!

A perfect example of this was on the day of the eclipse. I was busy rearranging a closet in the bedroom, and my daughter came to the doorway with red puffy eyes and tears streaming down her cheeks. She had obviously been softly crying for a while. When I asked her what was wrong, she said "I miss Daddy!" and proceeded to sit down and wail. I stood there a moment thinking why on earth is she crying?  He left 2 hours ago for school and he will be back at 5pm. Sigh... the teenage years are going to be hell.  Luckily I was already deep into my quest for knowledge on emotional self care.   (Book list appears at the bottom of this post, because I love getting my nerd on.)

The eclipse was a nice distraction.

I carried her to the couch and gave her a squeeze. I told her I missed Daddy too but he would be home in a few hours. She was welcome to cry if she felt like it. With that, my new parenting style was born. 

I (try to) no longer say things like:

• "stop crying" 
• "you shouldn't be angry" 
• "knock it off" 

Instead I accept their feelings and say things like: 

• "it's okay to feel sad" 
• "it makes sense to be angry about that" 
• "you can feel that way"  

I don't always accept the behavior that comes along with the emotion... so it sounds more like: 

• "It's okay to feel sad, but tone down the scream crying" (if you have girls you know exactly what I'm talking about) 
• "It makes sense to be angry, but we don't hit" 
• "You can feel that way, just pick yourself up off the floor of Target and let's get out of here so you can do that safely at home." 

Better still I've been able to say the same things to myself; instead of withdrawing and rage cleaning. Although rage cleaning will always have it's purpose. I have a healthier view of myself and I can lend an empathetic and supportive ear to my friends that end up crying in a closet after they have been drinking. We all have them, we all love them, we all want them to accept themselves too.

At 37 I am still trying to control the uncontrollable... I like a good challenge... but I am working on embracing those emotions I once suppressed. Maybe one day I will cry at hallmark commercials and newborn babies, but for today I will settle for the happy tears that come when I uncork that bottle of wine and toast my 37th year. Here's to feeling strong, going with the flow, and making the lives better of everyone we meet.  Cheers!

Apothic White... my new favorite!

Thank you for reading friends! Please like, share, message, or comment if this post gave you some feels of your own.

Reading List:

Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford

Romancing the Shadow: A Guide to Soul Work for a Vital, Authentic Life by Connie Zweig & Steven Wolf

The Mindful Child: How to Help Your Kid Manage Stress and Become Happier, Kinder, and More Compassionate by Susan Greenland

Everyday Blessings: The Inner work of Mindful Parenting by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn Hall & Melissa Cook

I Thought It Was Just Me: Making the Journey from "What will people think?" to "I am enough" by Brene Brown

More Books:

The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama & Desmond Tutu

Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg

Happy National Coffee Day: Darwin's Coffee

Today is National Coffee Day! In honor of this day, in the coffee capital of the US, I have loaded up on 30 ounces and then spent 10 minutes singing the Song That Never Ends. Both kids are now completely avoiding me and I get to post this amazing article written about my cousin's coffee business. Please read, like and share!

Darwin’s Coffee offers high quality coffee beans from specialty farmers across the globe. This specialty company roasts the beans when you order them and then ships them right away. This ensures the absolute freshest taste possible in your cup. This is their story.

How it Started

A fortuitous meeting at a coffee cupping event in Michigan was the start of it all. Brian Brusich had a background in chemistry. He met Darwin Pavon at a coffee tasting event in 2015 in the city of Flushing. Honduran by birth, Darwin had a background in agricultural engineering. His area of expertise? The soil. Darwin had previously worked with various types of farmers before jumping into the roasting business. He became adept at analyzing the soil and growing conditions to develop fertilizers and improve crop yields. Brian and Darwin hit it off at the cupping, and the idea for a new coffee roasting business began to form. Darwin’s Single Origin Coffee came into existence in 2016. This unique roaster eliminates the middle-man, importing high quality beans directly from the source.

“We work in a direct relationship with farmers all around the globe to locate and deliver our absolute favorite coffees from our travels.”

From the World to You

It’s a complex process to get beans from small farms all over the world into your kitchen cup. Many of these coffee farms are very small. They are also quite often located in extremely rural parts of the world. Infrastructure makes travel to and from these farms tricky. As a result, exporting from these farms is a challenging process. But fair trade and sustainability go hand in hand with the small-farm model. That’s what Darwin’s Coffee is committed to.

Darwin grew up in Honduras, and personally benefited from a local community mission known as The Micah Project. It’s a faith-based non-profit organization dedicated to providing at-risk Honduran youth with resources and skills to make a better future for themselves. Darwin’s Coffee has also supported The Micah Project in the past. Brian and Darwin hope to support other similar community groups in the future.

Coffee Variety is the Spice of Life

What bean variety is the best seller at Darwin’s? Well, coffee is a subjective addiction. Taste buds vary from culture to culture and from person to person. In the big picture, the bean from the Santa Helena region of Honduras is one of their best sellers. It has a bright taste with notes of citrus, floral, milk chocolate, and bright blueberry. The coffee inventory on the website rotates based on seasonality and types of green beans that Brian and Darwin keep on hand.

Java lovers can explore the world and compare the unique flavors from cup to cup. Darwin’s sells varieties from the regions of Honduras, Guatemala, Ethiopia, Sumatra, Costa Rica, Columbia, and Nepal.

Why do Brian and Darwin travel directly to these farms (besides getting to see the world)? Brian explained it this way.

• Direct trade relationships benefit both roasters and producers.
• Brian and Darwin can see the quality of production in person.
• Darwin’s Coffee can help farmers who can't export themselves for whatever reason (usually logistics). Brian and Darwin facilitate relationships so those farmers can benefit from direct trade by proxy. It’s a win-win for everyone involved!

When asked about his preferred brewing method, Brian admitted that he is a huge fan of the Chemex system when he has the luxury of time. If he’s in a bigger hurry, though, Brian does enjoy using a French press. (That’s my favorite method as well!)

My Own Personal Cupping

Brian was kind enough to send me two samples of coffee for tasting. I was so excited to get a bag of Honduran Aposento Alto to try, as well as a bag of Ethiopian Keneon Chire. And I loved that each bag came with a note card telling me all about the bean, the region, and the farm. You can also read about each farmer and see photos of each farm on the Darwin’s Coffee website. I'm a firm believer in fair trade, direct trade, and sustainability. Because of this, I find the detailed information extremely valuable.

Even though each variety was grown in vastly different regions, I wanted to try these coffees side by side.

 

The first thing I do when trying a new variety of java is open the bag and take several long sniffs. OH, MY! The first aroma that came to mind with the Honduran variety was roasted toffee. And cherry is the first scent that came to mind when I inhaled the Ethiopian coffee. The aroma was intense and heady for both of these cups. They were also (not surprisingly) vastly different from one another.

Each cup was rich, balanced, and unique. The descriptions provided on the enclosed cards hit the nail on the head as far as tasting notes go. The freshness was evident with each sip. I was definitely in coffee heaven!

Check out their website, explore a new flavor, and support a coffee farmer directly with your purchase. You’ll be glad you did!

Minimizing: The Video Follow Up

I am NOT a video person, so here is my first attempt at a video blog post. This is just a video to show you what my house looks like now that I have minimized the first round of stuff. Clearly I have plenty left. I didn't go into detail with the kitchen, because it would have been a lot of partially empty cupboards. 

 

Thanks for watching and I apologize for any motion sickness you may receive as a result of this video.  

 



 

 

 

Becoming a Minimalist

This post is about minimizing, but it's about to get a LOT deeper. 2017 is all about soul work. The best place to start is on the outside. So get out your trash bags and join in the fun. Trust me... it will be worth it.

First let me tell you why I decided to start becoming a minimalist.
There are three key reasons why it makes sense right now:

1. We are planning another move at the beginning of June.
2. This move will involve major downsizing, possibly into a 2 bedroom apartment.
3. Now is not the time to even attempt to accumulate more stuff.

Now here are three key reasons for anyone to start minimizing:

1. You are tired of organizing the same crap over and over.
2. Your stuff makes you more stressed than happy.
3. You want to start enjoying the people in your life, not the stuff that has taken over your life.

Where to begin? 

The Closet




This is very close to what my side of the closet looked like before I began.

Your closet is the ideal place to start. The closet is a place of accumulation. It doesn't matter who you are, or what your lifestyle consists of, you could stand a good closet clean out. As a matter of fact, the next time you are really stressed out or had a bad day, do not pick up that bag of chips, or that open that beer. Do not sit on your butt and start watching TV to zone out. Get your ass in that closet and start taking control. It will leave you feeling accomplished and relieve some of the stress you are carrying.

Instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, I googled closet minimizing and found a great site Project 333.

Without going into great detail, I basically cut all but my favorite 40 items. This includes shoes, accessories, purses, etc. I will need to find a job in Seattle so I had to keep a few interview type outfits and dressy clothes that I would have probably donated, so I added another 10 work related items.

The keepers. Another round of cuts before we officially leave this state.



Empty hangers. ALL of these were being used before I
started + a handful of other crappy ones I threw away.

The difference with my plan and with Project 333 is that I am not boxing up my clothes to go through another day. They are gone. Done. Adios.

Now what?

The Bathroom
After that initial clean out, I was thirsty for more. I went right for the bathroom cupboards and threw away all of the lotion except one. One single lotion that I use every day. All of the half used smelly lotions were removed. 20 hair brushes, combs, and picks were removed. I have a single hair brush and a single comb. The 50+ contact cases were tossed leaving only 2. It is amazing what you hold onto in a bathroom. You need one toothpaste, one toothbrush, one floss, one bottle of contact solution. I could have stocked a Costco with all of the crap I was hoarding in the bathroom.

Now take one minute to run over to your bathroom (or visualize that lotion storage location) and count how many bottles of lotion you have. This includes travel bottles you will never ever use. Go ahead, I'll wait...

See?!  WTF is wrong with us?!

I am left with one single caboodle full of my bathroom items like makeup, accessories, nail polish, hair ties, etc. + 1 bin of bigger hair stuff, like my curling iron, blow dryer, hair dye stuff and a few counter items I use every day... tooth stuff, deodorant, a single lotion bottle and some self tanner. Hey, I can be a minimalist and still care about how I look.



Caboodle! I know your jealous.

The Office
While I was on this minimizing high I went right for where it hurts me the most... office supplies. I had 5 bins that moved from Michigan to Florida to Colorado and everywhere in between. I never touched any of it. If I wanted something I would just go out and buy it again because I love office supply stores and I am just an incredible nerd... I hear it now.

I have 2 bins left and I know when I make my second rounds of cutting, I will be left with one solitary 20 quart bin.

The Kitchen
I hit the kitchen and went through every cupboard, every drawer. Duplicate items were tossed. I kept a fair amount of kitchen stuff, but I got rid of equally as much. I took all of the unopened boxes from the last move and stuck them out in the garage. I obviously made it through several big holidays and a few months without it. So it's gone now.

I did keep one set of functional utensils and cooking equipment. I also kept the electronic stuff that I use nearly every day: blender, toaster, Keurig, slow cooker, and a food processor. That seems like a lot still, but you should see what I got rid of: Boxes and boxes of barely used kitchen crap.



This weird room off the kitchen has only been used for storage
and garbage.

*BEFORE*

*AFTER*

*BEFORE*



*AFTER*

The Kid Stuff
Clothes... so many clothes.
I almost forgot about the kids clothes and bedrooms. This was serious business. They have so many clothes. A lot of hand me downs. I went through every piece of clothing and choose about 20 outfits - shirt/pant combo - and 5 sets of PJs per kid. I boxed up anything a size bigger and moved the rest out to the garage.

The Toys; a never ending mass of shit to pick up.
The toys that haven't been touched since we moved here are packed up and out of sight - a key when minimizing with kids. I firmly believe that toys should be imaginative and/or educational. The toy food and kitchen stays, the building sets stay, the dress up stuff stays. Games, puzzles, and other educational items stayed. Anything duplicate, broken, or annoying was tossed.

The 4 year old is VERY much into coloring, art, and crafts. While the 2 year old loves cars, trucks, a train table or his road rug.

We downsized the playroom and currently I am confident we would fit comfortably into a 3 bedroom apartment. I still have another round of minimizing to go and I am well aware that if the apartment is a 2 bedroom I will have some hard decisions to make. Let's put it this way, we did have 2 kids bedrooms, a playroom and a school room full of stuff. We are down to 2 kids bedrooms full. That's a major start.

That slide and table in the corner can be taken apart. The tent folds up.
We are ready for a 2 bedroom. <sniff><sob>

The quiet time bin system lives on!!

The Garage... ugh.
The last room to be dealt with will be the garage. Currently I have just been sticking everything out there so it is quite the disaster. When it gets warmer I will decide what gets donated, what gets moved to storage (gym equipment, holiday décor, outdoor gear) during our apartment years, and what gets taken with us.

 I wish I would have taken more before and after photos. There was such a difference in the amount of stuff. Next round I will try and make it more visual.

If you are ready to take 2017 by the balls, I suggest you drop me a message or leave a comment. Let's do this together! It's time to clean out your soul. The first step is to clean out the outside. So get minimizing, and get ready to change your life this year. There is so much more to come...

Word for 2016: Shocking

If I had one word for 2016 it would be shocking. It was full of shocking moments that were both happy and unbearably tragic. Some of the moments that will be burned into my memory are when Dan decided he wanted to go back to school, we sold a house, we moved, I lost a parent, Kenzie learned to read and write, and finally learning that a whole new journey has been laid out in front of me.

 

 

Now, I am not going to put up a white picket fence around a yard full of dog turds. There were moments this year when I pleaded with God to make me wake up from this horrific nightmare. I had to wrap my arms around my body for days because it was the only way I could physically and emotionally hold myself together. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even feel. I played the fake-it-till-you-make-it game for weeks just so no one would have to be burdened about my well-being. I felt the hands of darkness pulling at me.

However, two things always remain true:

1. Life is just a series of moments.

2. Light always trumps dark.

There is no time to succumb to the dark when you have to be a parent. With a 2 & 3 year old life is a list of tasks with no time in between for self-reflection, or grieving, or even processing. I went through the usual stages of grief, lingering in the poor me, life is unfair stage for a little too long.

 

 

When I realized that it was getting me nowhere I adopted my usual mental mantra “scientia potentia est.” Knowledge is power. I read books about grieving, I spent all of my free time - so about 15 minutes a week - writing to work out my feelings, reading more books, looking for signs, and trying to appear as normal as possible.

Finally, I just sat quietly and processed everything that had been happening in my peripheral vision. There were some really great moments mixed into this mess of change and emotion. If I had to choose between dwelling on the terrible moments and holding on to the great ones, what am I choosing right now?  Which do I want to choose?  What are YOU choosing right now?

It is in those moments that I decided I would only go to the light because light beats dark. Every. Time. Don’t believe me? Go into a dark closet in the middle of the night, turn on a flashlight or light a match… darkness can’t snuff out the light. Light always wins.

 

 

I would say most people do some soul searching after a tragedy and I am no different.  I found, nay, was guided to begin a new journey. One of the highlights includes doing random acts of kindness for people. This is interesting because up until now I have not really been much a people person. I have always preferred animals over people, I generally keep my head down so I don’t have to talk to people, and let’s face it… I am a work-at-home, small business accountant… my career literally was designed so I didn’t have to interact with people.

A few days ago I was prompted to do something kind for a stranger. Very simply, I bought a woman’s meal at subway. The moment I paid, the feeling of light and gratification I got from spending $5 on a stranger, made me happier than anything I have felt in months. My heart felt like it swelled up and was about to burst. My head was tingly like after a glass of wine on an empty stomach. You couldn’t slap the smile off my face for hours. As I was leaving subway she called out with tears in her eyes “Why did you do this?” I just called back “Merry Christmas!”

 

 

On the way home I felt my dad sitting in the passenger seat looking at me smiling. I could feel the proud radiating from him. It was a moment of complete happiness, joy, and contentment. It’s those moments of happiness when I can feel my Dad so close it’s as if he never left, and I'm beginning to realize he hasn't.

If you have lost a loved one, you have probably experienced a feeling that they were near at a particular time. My experience with my Dad being close and helping to guide me out of grief and into a realm of happiness and contentment goes way beyond this one instance, but that story is for another post, or another blog, or you might just think I’m nuts.

My 2017 journey begins with great happiness and light, when it could have easily ended in grief and darkness. To me that is shocking. I would have never imaged I would lose my Dad while he was so young. I would have never expected to find happiness while finding a way to live without him. I have new opportunities to change lives on the horizon and that is more hope than I could have possibly imagined at this point in my life.

 

 

So 2017, I am ready for you. Let’s head to Seattle and start changing the world!

If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one, please reach out to me. It would be nice to find like-minded individuals to help processes our grief together. If you see signs like pennies, feathers, rainbows, or just a feeling that you know they are there... I can assure you, they are. Thank you for reading!