Between taking care of 2 little ones and working, some weeks more than 40 hours, I don't have a lot of time to sit and think. The only time I can really get introspective about myself is when I am driving alone. Unfortunately (or fortunately) everything is about 10 minutes from my house which is not enough time to get into the deep stuff.
When I decided to go to my company Christmas party alone, because we couldn't get a babysitter, it was the first 2 hours I had alone with myself since... well I couldn't think of the last time that happened. I was so tense from being cooped up for too long.
The commute to the Springs was 2 blissful hours singing to MY music, dancing in my seat, and getting over-the-top excited for dinner with my old co-workers and then a night out with my friends. After 2 glasses of wine, a shot, a few mixed drinks, and realizing that I really don't belong downtown after 10pm, I passed out around 4am. Of course the next day when I drove home, I spent the entire 2 hours trying not to vomit because I was so hung over. Not my best move. A month later was our company annual meeting. Again on the drive down I sang and chair danced and enjoyed my ride, but I also had time to think about why I was so happy to be leaving. It wasn't until the drive home the next day that things started to get heavy.
My presentation was over, and the day was done. I started the car and turned on the 90s station. As I listened to the nostalgia from my teen years, I started to panic.
I had just been at work all day. I missed it. I missed the camaraderie, the intelligent banter, and talking to people that could talk back in complete sentences. I didn't have to say "stop" or "no" or "be gentle" or any of the other 100 phrases I repeat every hour of every day.
Somewhere along I-25, I realized what I was going home to: Long days of cleaning and feeding, and trying to squeeze work into a moment of silence that feels like 10 seconds. I was coming home to cleaning up pee from the floor (dogs), changing poopy diapers (kids), and trying to put clothes on a wiggly octopus (octopus, obviously). Having conversations about princesses, Frozen and the Muppets. Answering the question: "Where's daddy?" A thousand, no, maybe a million times a day. Wiping noses and tears off cheeks. Trying to find food that a toddler will eat, or as I like to call it: Pandora's box.
It felt like I was driving back to a prison. I started to feel hot, I rolled down the windows to a balmy 50 degrees in Denver. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I had a lump in my throat. I sank in my seat and tried to let the music soothe me to a happier time. It didn't.
I got home just before the kids went to bed. I figured as soon as I saw them, all thoughts would be extinguished, and life would go on as usual. When I walked in the door, I was greeted in toddler style with a "MOMMMMYYYY" and the best hug in the world. Then the baby's smile and squeal as I snatched him up and squeezed him. It was a great moment.
As I went to bed that night, the moment had faded and I was left with my thoughts. I stared at the ceiling and felt my eyes sting with tears. I couldn't sleep worrying that I wouldn't be able to shake these feelings of unhappiness. A few days later I had to get out. It was breakfast, and I told Dan that as soon as the baby was down for his nap, I was going to take a shower and go to target. He told me. "No, after the baby goes down, workout, and then we will all go to Target together."
"No." I said, "I will be going out without you or the kids." I thought about how many times I had been out this month alone. Aside from my 1 day work trip... none.
As I slowly pushed the cart through the clothing isles I saw T-Shirts I swear I owned in 1995. Same styles, same bands on the front, same colors. I looked around and realized the mid-90s clothing fashion is back. I smiled and shook my head.
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| Add some flannel and overalls and here is target's line of clothing. |
20 years ago in January of 1995, I was 14 years old. I was awkward, lonely, and sad. My wounds from Junior High were still so fresh. I was trying to find a place in school, in life really, that I could be myself, but I didn't know who I was yet. I was hurting to be independent, as all teenagers are.
As I have been working through my Mandy Project, there has still been a piece missing that I couldn't put my finger on. Some small unhappiness, that nags at me in the middle of the night. I need to find my independence again. I need to find myself away from all of my other daily roles.
In my usual fashion, I went right to work on it. I found a contracting job where I can either work from home, or go into the office 1-2 days a week, when Dan can watch the kids. It is an opportunity for me to be me. Yes, it's work, and I am sure I have boggled the minds of some of my readers, that would give anything to NOT have to work. For me the workplace is where I feel intelligent, confident, and happy. Although I have never stopped working, I need a space outside of the home to get things done. A space without having to take care of laundry, dishes, food prep, diapers, noses, baths, dogs, toys, boo-boos, and bills.
It's been a little over a month since that fateful day in January. I made the commute to Colorado Springs yesterday, there and back, my 4 hour trip in sketchy weather. I had plenty of time to think.
Not only have I found a place to go and work when needed, but I have found some friends here to grab a Moscow mule with from time to time, and Dan and I decided that a weekly date night is worth more than the cost of a babysitter.
I know I am a better parent now that I have a little more freedom. I don't take my time with the kids for granted. I don't get as stressed out. I laugh more. I smile more. I say "I love you" so much more. Isn't that what it's all about?
Note: I wrote most of this back in January right after I realized what it was that I was missing. I am glad I can go back and update with good news before posting. Those years when our kids are little are short, happy, and exciting, but very isolating. I hope that all of you have found your perfect balance between home life and life away from home.
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