Dear Husband - Here is your survival guide

Dear Dan,

I have written up a few notes to help you while I am on my trip. Please read through them carefully. They are merely suggestions but they will make your days easier.

STARTING NOTES
Daily Rhythm:
Try to create a daily rhythm so the kids will know what to expect with you.  It doesn't have to follow my notes, but create one of your own and stick with it. This will make them feel more secure and have less tantrums.

Cell Phone Use:
If you need to use the phone to make a call or answer a call the only acceptable times are during quiet time or after bedtime. If you disregard this warning the following WILL happen:
1. Instant ear-piercing screams from a 3 year old. Your phone may shatter and your ears will be left bleeding.
2. The 2 year old will remove his pants and attempt to poop. If you are luckily it will be on the bathroom floor, if it is a normal day it will be on the carpet.
*Note: The more important the call, the louder the screaming & runny the poop will be. See graph below:


Lessons:
Kenzie's reading lesson should be done in the morning or at the latest, after quiet time. It takes 10-15 minutes. Do not do more than one lesson per day. DO NOT GET FRUSTRATED, DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR PHONE. This is uninterrupted one on one time. Do not say out loud "you suck at this" or any other negative statement you will may think during the lesson. Just keep powering through it. I promise at one point, during one of the lessons, you will be glad you were the first to hear her finally getting it.

I have created 5 boxes of activities for the kids. Use one box each day. The boxes will have craft supplies, activities, games, and other fun. Each pencil pouch has a different activity.

Leaving the House:
Should you HAVE to run an errand, only 1 errand per day is suitable. It should be done directly after a snack or meal and Kenzie MUST use the potty before exiting the house. If you forget this critical detail, she will HAVE to pee at the exact moment your cart is full of groceries and you are no where near a bathroom.

I have found that after making the quiet time smoothies is ideal for a short run to the grocery store. It eats up time before dinner, the grocery store isn't too busy yet, and the kids can bring their smoothies along which keeps their hands and mouths busy.

MEALS
Breakfast:
7:00am wake up time for all. Take dogs out immediately.
7:00-9:00am Breakfast
2 hours may seem excessive but this is the best time of day to stuff the kids full of food and enjoy some pleasurable time at the table talking, reading, drawing, laughing, and singing. The children will eat at both 7am and again at 8:45am. (It goes downhill after that...)

Possible food choices:
Fruit
Oatmeal
Bagels of any size but make sure you call them "green".
Bacon
Eggs
Cereal + Milk
Pizza
Mac N Cheese

Lunch:
11:00am
Possible food choices: (served with fruit)
PBJ
Grilled Cheese
Soup
Cream cheese roll ups

If snacks are given at any point, it is unlikely they will eat much for lunch or any other meal.

Dinner:
Please review the graph in the picture below. Left circle = foods Kenzie will eat, right circle = foods Ketcher will eat. The overlap are the foods that they both will eat.

OTHER
Quiet Time:
Between the hours of 1pm to 3pm (or 30 minutes ahead or behind this time), please use the upstairs to complete any calls, emails, napping, hobbies, TV watching or other nonsense.
Not being in compliance with this measure, i.e. using the living room for leisure will result in "jack-in-the-boxing".  Every 3-5 minutes the 3 year old will be coming out to talk to you about going to the bathroom, yelling at you for being too loud, or just telling you that she "hears things out here." By the end of quiet time you will feel both pissed off and robbed of a break.

Kenzie will need a water, snack, toy bin, and her songs on repeat. Also, please open the drapes and clear off space on her bed in case you get lucky and she falls asleep.

Ketcher will need a clean diaper, his shoes off, sound machine on, drapes closed, a snack, and water. He should be sleeping within 10 minutes, but if he isn't, he probably pooped, unless you answered or made a call earlier and then he should have gotten it out of his system.

After Quiet Time:
Wake Ketch up at 3:30 if he is still napping. Make kids smoothies:

1cup soy milk
1cup apple juice
1 small handful of spinach
1/4 of a zucchini or squash
lots of frozen strawberries
Always use the Thomas the Train and Paw Patrol cups for two reasons:
1. The smoothie eventually turns green as the spinach sits. These cups are not see-through.
2. Hell hath no wrath like a toddler not getting their correct cup.

Suitable activities: Beautiful walk outside (yes use those exact words), TV time, activity box, or scissor time. Use scissor books and pouch on the counter. Prepare to use the broom to sweep up 10,000 tiny triangles.

See!

Bath Time:
Baths can be given at any time. It should be noted that the children will make the bathroom their own water park, so please have extra towels at the ready and do not run.

I won't even get into washing the kids hair without making them cry. It will be impossible. Good luck to you.

Bed Time: 
The greatest time of day. The lights should be off and doors closed NO LATER than 7pm. If needed an earlier bedtime works, just use this method:
1. Feed the kiddos their cup of vitamins - Ketch gets 3, Kenz gets 4.
2. PJs
3. Floss and brush talking about how delicious the flavor is for each. The alphabet should be sung while brushing.
4. Snuggle time in Kenzie's bed. Have her pick 3-4 books and snuggle in with one child on each side. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PUT THEM NEXT TO EACH OTHER!
5. By book 3 Kenzie should be getting really sleepy. Lights off and time to take Ketcher to bed.
6. Read to Ketcher. He may play with his toys while you read, but do it anyway. When you are tired wrap it up and turn off the light. Sound machine on, lady bug on, 25 kisses, 12 "one more hug", a chat with Mickey Mouse, and one last giggle.

Finally... ahhhh!

Done! Congratulate yourself on keeping the kids alive because that's really all that matters at the end of the day. Treat yourself to some ice cream and HBO. Make a battle game plan for the following day. The more prepared and predictable you make it, the smoother it will go.

Before you go to bed:
Kenzie needs to use the potty.
Check on Ketcher. He has been putting toys, sippy cups, and other items into his PJs before he falls asleep. If those items are not removed, he will wake up crying. Also, make sure his water is still on his bed, this will ensure a full nights sleep for you... because you are going to need it.

Love,
Amanda