Breastfeeding, what they don't tell you

"Breast is Best!" is what every pregnant woman is told. To the point that you feel very guilty if you can't breastfeed or even if you supplement with formula.

Let's talk a little bit about what they don't tell you...

Don't be fooled, it hurts. Maybe for some women it doesn't, because they are magical like a unicorn, or that one lady that's a friend of a friend that gave birth naturally with no pain. I am not saying it will hurt forever, but there will be pain and probably a fair amount of frustration.  I am 16 days in and either Ketch is getting the hang of latching on properly, or I have just become more tolerable of the pain... but most of the time, there is still a minute of discomfort.

I know they are out there... but I have never seen one.
A mom that never had pain breastfeeding  I mean.

Cramping. You feed your baby, your uterus contracts. Yup, those are contractions. They can be uncomfortable, painful, or just annoying, but there they are putting your body back to the way it used to be pre-baby.  No pain, no gain right? Luckily this only lasts for a week or two. Then its up to you to get your body back in shape. I would rather take another month of cramping.

Soooooo thirsty! Did someone pour sand into your mouth? It is painful to sit down and have your baby latch on, only to realize you left your ice cold water across the room. You don't dare move, you just have to suffer through another 40 minutes until you can guzzle that frosty glass of water.  Make sure you have water at all your feeding locations or suffer dehydration worse than Death Valley in July.

Just... out... of... reach... DAMN IT!

It's boring. Not in the beginning. You will stare lovingly at your baby's hair, fingers, nose... but after a month of 40 minute feeding sessions every 2 hours, you will be craving a new episode of Goldbergs.

You will worry. There are no measurements, no estimates, not even pumping will give you an accurate measure of your supply.  You just have to wing it and hope the doctor gives you a thumbs up at your baby's next appointment.  Side note:  You become much more confident after your first baby.

Can't breastfeed or don't want to?  If it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world. My brother and I were formula fed and my brother is one of the smartest people I know. As for me, I am pretty awesome, so there's that...

I only breastfed this little one for 6 months. Once
those first teeth popped through she said to me:
"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

No squandering my freedom today!

Dan took Kenzie skiing and I stayed home. This time I didn't squander my freedom, on the couch. 

What would I be doing right now if I didn't have kids? 

First of all, my house wouldn't smell like a fart. So I set to work. First thing first, put on MY music. None of Dan's bluegrass, no songs from Frozen. 

Ugh, what is that smell?

I am putting down the carpet deodorizer I fail to use when Kenzie is around, because it will end up either in her mouth or she will spill water on it turning it into a sticky carpet goo. <Sniff> Yup better already. Let's add a candle and an airwick plugin I haven't changed in 6 months. Mmm lavender and pumpkin spice. Weird combo but I think it works.

Time to vacuum. Why not do the upstairs too. No one ever sees that, so I think the last time it was done was... hmm... well that doesn't matter.

Done. Toys are picked up and I sit here 30 minutes later and there are still lines from the vacuum in the carpet. I love that. 

Time to clean up the hallway where Dan leaves all of his snowboarding and ski gear. I think there is a bench under here somewhere, I saw it last summer.

What else would I do if I didn't have kids?  Well lets take a look at my reflection. EESH! I seriously didn't realize I only put eyeliner on one eyelid today. I went grocery shopping like that. Some of you are thinking, how could you not notice? Others are thinking, you left the house like that?  Everyone else is thinking... eyeliner, what's that? Anyway, I fixed it.

Hiya doing Hal?

What else? They will be home soon so I better think fast. Hmm... wait, what is that smell?  It smells like spicy cologne. Is there an old dude in a bathrobe lurking in my house?  Abort mission! Lavender and pumpkin spice do not work together!

It's been snowing here since October.

Hero doesn't escape
show knows where the food is.

Ah April... how does it go? April showers bring May flowers? Yes that's it. Did they mean snow showers? They must.

My boss just sent me an email stating that it's snowing in Colorado Springs today. I replied back that it's been snowing here since October. I didn't specify October 1st because it probably wasn't necessary. 

We have had piles of snow all winter long. So much snow, that in my 30 weeks of being pregnant, I had to hike 6 blocks pushing a baby in a stroller, over snowy streets, to retrieve one of my dogs that walked out of the yard. Our fence is at least 5 foot high, but you haven't been able to see it since December.

Dan has been out of work twice this winter from a pulled neck muscle due to shoveling. At least that's what we tell people. The first time it happened he was putting on a shirt, the second time he was washing his hair, but it's probably from shoveling.



There is a man out there shoveling
the snow is up to his head.

Yesterday, I went out and started Dan's truck for him in the morning. When I opened the door of the truck, the wind blew and covered both the interior and myself with wet snow. You don't need coffee in the morning when you get a shot of snow up your bathrobe.  HELLO I'M AWAKE!

Don't get me wrong, I love snow. I love admiring it from a window, watching it fall while sipping a cup of hot cider, and waking up on Christmas to the ground and trees sparkling. There is also nothing more spectacular than a partly sunny day, when you catch a snowflake on your finger. Really look at it. It is totally magnificent and something everyone, everywhere should admire at some point in their life.


Good thing she likes it.

We moved to the mountains and I knew what I was getting into. People up here celebrate the snow, the more the merrier. The resorts will stay open this year until July 4th, or at least that's the rumor. I will continue to admire it from the inside of my warm house, and only from October to Christmas. After that I will continue to complain until August, when the last of it melts.

Ridiculous Baby Bucket Items

As I said in my last post, there are so many unreal things they tell you to do before having a baby. Let's count them down...

7. Perform a random act of kindness.  Yes do this because you will become an evil shrew after you have a child. Seriously? I feel like I am kinder now that I have a child.  Never stop doing random acts of kindness.

6. Develop a hobby. Great piece of advice, because after baby you are going to have so much time for your hobbies. Save the money from the scrapbooking supplies in your amazon cart right now and put it into a diaper fund.

5. Address any problems in your relationship. I am not saying this is a bad idea, but if you have some bad problems in your relationship you shouldn't have a baby bucket list. Kids put a tremendous amount of stress on a relationship, so if you aren't solid, but the baby on hold.

4. Buy your dream car. Sure go ahead and spend the money to buy your dream car. As if having a child isn't expensive enough. What you should be doing is saving your money NOW to pay off the insane medical bills from having a kid. The reality is that you will be cashing in your dream car waaaaay before you have it paid off, to get something kid friendly, like the Toyota the Muppets are singing in on that commercial. Yes I want one.

3. Enjoy an all-nighter. Ha! You are going to have plenty of these after baby. Do the opposite and get yourself some sleep now.

2. Take a career risk. Honestly, now is NOT the time for risking your career. You want something stable that you can take a long maternity leave and not worry about losing your job. Also health insurance is sometimes not available for the first 3 months of a new job.

And the #1 worst baby bucket idea is:  1. Have someone else's baby come and stay overnight. WHAT?! I have never ever heard worse advice. First of all, this just seems creepy. Second, if your child wakes in the middle of the night, it is vastly different than someone else's child crying at 3am.  Third, you will surely decide never to have children after that night and then a few months later concede. So do yourself a favor and skip this horrible step.

Have you read some terrible pre-baby advice?  What was it? Comment below.

5 Items on your Baby Bucket List

There are so many things to do before you have kids and there are so many lists posted out there about it.  My next blog post is about the ludicrous things some of these lists tell you to do before having kids, but meanwhile here are my top 5 things to appreciate and do more of before having kids.

1. Sleep in now. I am not really one for sleeping in, but now that I can't, I really wish I had.

2. Take long baths or showers. After baby, those showers literally become cardio sprints. You absolutely WILL hear a baby crying as soon as you enter the shower, even if there isn't one.  If your child is old enough to be awake, you feel guilty or worried that something will happen like finding a way up the stairs even though it's gated off.

3. Eat. Yup, simple as that. After baby you will be so busy you won't think about eating. Once your bundle of joy grows up and starts eating real food, 95% of your meals will be toddler leftovers.  Crusty mac n cheese that has been sitting out for an hour... mmm.

4. Watch some movies. Yes you plan on renting a lot of movies, and your spouse will probably be the only one that makes it all the way through. 15 minutes into the movie you will be asleep. Every. Time. Thinking about going to the movies?  Let's be real: Price of 2 movie tickets $16.50 x 2 = $33 + $10 for popcorn and soda (hey you deserve it, see #3) + baby sitter for 3 hours $30 = That's $73 to see a movie that you will fall asleep during. Go see a movie now before you have to take out a second mortgage to do it!

5. Spend some quality time with your friends. I have, sort of, addressed this in my baby shower gifts post. Let's look at it a little further:

Who are we kidding... there will be
no ironing ever again.

• 0-3 months the recluse stage - You physically can't socialize. You are exhausted, leaking, and hormonal. There is no way you will be able to engage in meaningful conversation.
• 4-9 months the schedule stage - Baby takes 3 naps per day, ranging 1-3 hours per nap. You only have about a 2 hour awake window before they go down again, and you have to fit in feedings, tummy time, and countless diaper changes. That leaves 15 minutes. You have 15 minutes to socialize.
•  9-12 months the mobile stage - They are down to 2 naps per day but when they are awake you're just trying to keep them away from cords, plugs, stairs, plants, dogs, and all that other stuff you didn't think was dangerous. Plus you have to feed them twice as much, which is twice as messy. The biggest annoyance is the amount of stuff you have to lug with you. It would appear you are going on a 2 week vacation, when in fact you are spending the afternoon with a friend.
• 1-2 years the trying-not-to-let-my-kid-kill-themselves stage - You are finally down to one nap and you think you can socialize. However, your toddler is now walking/running, climbing, eating items as if they have Pica disorder, and generally putting their life in danger on a daily basis.  Good luck being social.

Not to worry future parents, I have heard you can do all of these things again someday. Maybe in 2 years, or 5 years... definitely after they move out.

Have something to add? Please leave it in the comments, some future Mom will thank you!