My Own Worst Enemy

Yup that's me. 5th grade.. Do we all have awkward years or was it just me?  I feel like we all do, although some have many, many more years than others.

5th Grade - So it begins...

I am sure my awkward years have shaped me into who I am now, especially since I was so ugly, I had to figure out how to be funny.  I didn't have my family's quick wit, so I had to come up with my own brand of humor.  I spent hours perfecting my impressions and watching recorded tapes of SNL.

I spent my Friday nights with the beloved TGIF line up. I am not sure what I would have done without Full House, Step by Step, Perfect Strangers, and Family Matters.

Oh Balki, don't be Re-dic-u-lous!

I was part of the nerd group, but I wasn't particularly smart. I was just struggling to fit in like everyone else. Unfortunately, I would struggle for years before I stopped caring about what people thought.

My worst enemy during this time was myself. I had totally unrealistic expectations. I had some Disney-like image of how I should look. Shouldn't everyone have blond hair? Shouldn't we all be able to talk to animals and sing?  In 1989, little mermaid came out and now I had to add boobs to my list of Disney princess things I didn't have.

It didn't help that I continually embarrassed myself. 5th grade I had to read this word out loud: "unique". For someone that was in the slow reading group in 2nd grade, there was no way I could figure that out. So I pronounced it U - NEE - Q. Oh boy... that's rough. People that were in my class STILL remember that! 
 
In 6th grade, there was 2 minutes left before the bell rang to go home. A classmate started singing the Chi-Chi's Mexican restaurant commercial: "Fri-i-i-ied, Fri-i-i-ied Ice Cream" and just as he ended 2 loud farts erupted and then the bell rang. There was no hiding who did it. Sigh...


6th Grade - Yup it was me and I was
probably wearing this same 3 piece suit
 

9th Grade homecoming dance, I went without a date, with some friends and their dates. Like all 14 year olds, we went to taco bell after the dance. When our parents came to pick us up, it had rained. We walked out, I slipped and fell. After that all I heard was "Better call Sam!" Sam Bernstein was an injury lawyer with countless terrible daytime commercials. Damn you Sam... damn you.

My awkwardness came and went in high school, but returned again in college in another way.  I packed up my puzzles, scrapbooking supplies, and other nerdiness and put them away. I wasn't going to be myself any more. It was time to find a new me. So my low self esteem and I went on a 3 year journey. I was loud, rowdy, emotional, and deep down, unsettled.  It didn't take long before I realized I couldn't keep up the façade.


8th Grade - My glasses were even crooked!

Turns out I am a nerd. I love puzzles, dorky sitcoms, and reading nonfiction. I enjoy doing accounting all day and writing at night. I like being alone, which is different than being lonely. I love that I found someone who loves my nerdiness because isn't that what being a Disney princess really is?  To find your prince charming that loves you for who you are? 

I am still awkward in some social situations and have lingering social anxiety.  Having Kenzie has actually been a blessing, because when she is with me I know exactly who I am. I am Kenzie's mom and nothing else matters.  Ok... that and staying away from fried ice cream and commercial jingles.



Sept 2013



My Moment of Silence

A rare moment of silence, alone. Dan took Kenzie for a hike. I am sitting on the couch and the house is quiet. Too quiet. The silence is crushing but I don't want to break it by turning on the radio or TV.

What to do with this moment?

Laundry. I need to change the loads, but I can do that when they get back.

Eat something forbidden! Ice cream fits the bill. I can't eat that with Kenzie hovering at my feet wanting to eat what I eat. No, I am still full from lunch.

Take a nap. Yes! That's exactly what this pregnant body needs. I just need to take my contacts out first, I hate it when they stick to my eyes when I wake up. Also, I did put on shoes today, which I really don't want to take off, then have to put back on. In this stage of pregnancy shoes are my mortal enemy. I really want to take a nap but it seems like a hassle.

Read a book. That's it, I will read one of the 8,000 books I have downloaded, and partially started, on my kindle. Now I just need to find it... the last time I used it was at 3am when Kenzie was a newborn. Maybe I will find it later and use it next time.

Organize the new baby's room. I think I already established that anything requiring movement isn't going to happen.

I guess I will just sit here and wait for them to come home. Why is it taking so long? They have never gone on a hike this long before...

I hear the door. Kenzie is crying because they stopped moving. Dan is calling for help to unharness her from the backpack. Why are all the dogs stuffed in to the hallway? There is no room for this!

Geez they are loud!  Why can't I get a quiet moment to myself?!