Keep your kids safe from sexual abuse

Sexual Assault Awareness AND Child Abuse Awareness month are coming up in April, I wanted to pass on my knowledge, from the books I have read, about how to keep kids safe from sexual abuse. Sorry, no humor here, but this really needs to be read and shared. If we can help one child from abuse, we help one child live a life free from all the terror and insecurity of being robbed of their innocence.

Statistics: 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys are sexually abused as children. This statistic is partially based on estimation because child sexual abuse is wildly under reported.

If I do a quick calculation on all the parents/grandparents/guardians I am friends with on facebook (that will hopefully read this post) and all of their children combined that could potentially be saved from abuse, we are saving a LOT of kids. (It should be noted that I did not actually do any calculations while working on this post.)

This topic is still considered taboo, however child sexual abuse thrives on secrecy. Do not wait until your child is "old enough" to educate yourself. In an alarming number of cases the abuse began when the child was only 3 years old. The point at which it was reported (if at all - most child sexual abuse is not reported), is not until the child is a teenager or an adult. Years of abuse and coping leaves the child feeling unprotected and abandoned, and leaves the abusers door open to so many other children.

If you can, please read:
Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse

This book should be required reading for all parents, but let's face it, we have very little time. In the book, the author interviewed child sexual abusers, in prison, to find out the circumstances behind their assaults. Nearly all of the abusers had the same answers.

What is child sexual abuse?

First of all you should know what child sexual abuse is: At the extreme end of the spectrum, sexual abuse includes sexual intercourse or its deviations. Yet all offences that involve sexually touching a child (or forcing them to touch someone else), as well as non-touching offenses (showing child things of sexual nature, talking inappropriately to a child about sexual topics),  and sexual exploitation, are just as harmful and devastating to a child's well-being. Definition used from americanhumane.org.

Tips to keep your kids safe:

Here are some important points from the book on keeping your kids safe:

• Do not blindly drop your kids off at lessons, or play dates, without checking things out. Ask questions, see the house, be intrusive. This will usually scare off a potential child abuser. A piano teacher abused hundreds of children, because parents dropped their children off at his house and left. No questions, no visits. He said he would have been scared to abuse a child whose parents had come in and looked around, even once.
• Teach your kids the proper names for their body parts. Child abusers tend to go after kids that call their body parts cutesy names. They stated that the child was naïve and the parents probably didn't discuss uncomfortable topics with their kids.
• Watch for behavior changes. Changes in behavior are key indicators that something is wrong. It could be grades going from straight As to failing. An outgoing, happy child becoming melancholy and withdrawn. A child who used to care about their appearance is purposely trying to be unnoticeable.
• Pay attention when your child doesn't like someone. It is not natural for children to have strong feelings of dislike toward an adult. There is probably a reason for it and it is rare when they come straight out and say that they are being abused. Usually they will say things like "I don't like him." "He is mean." "He is bad." It's very general, and they are waiting for you to take the initiative and ask the hard questions. There was a case where the boy was being molested by his church youth counselor. He told his mother he didn't like the man. The mom got angry and told him not to say things like that. The boy never said another word about it. His mother failed to protect him, or get him the help he needed. Not only that, the man went on to abuse so many other children that could have been protected.
• Do not force your children to hug and kiss other family members or children. They should learn at an early age that they are in control of who touches their bodies. If they feel comfortable and want to give a hug, it should be up to them.
• Teach your child about secrets. Child sexual abuse often goes unreported because the abuser teaches them to keep secrets. Tell your child that surprises can be kept because they make people happy and excited, but secrets are hurtful and unsafe.

Other important information:

The majority (but not all) of sexual abusers are heterosexual men, that know the child in some way. It is rarely a complete stranger. Generally the abuser was abused as a child. This is passed down through generations. Abusers prey on children... not necessarily a specific gender.

Helping a child that has been abused:

What happens after the abuse:

• If you think something may have happened, ask questions, talk about it. It will be uncomfortable for both of you, but they will feel safe and begin to heal.
• Get your child into therapy or counseling. The earlier you begin this, the earlier they will heal. Coping is not healing. Healing is recognizing something happened, surrounding them with support, and finding out what they need to move on.
• Report the abuser. Help save another child from abuse.

Helping the child to heal, not just cope:

Healing from child sexual abuse:

• Therapy is beneficial for children and parents. If the child has siblings, they might benefit as well. If the abuser was a family member, it is possible the abuse has happened to the other children and they didn't tell anyone.
• Healing is a long road. They need to feel safe and that someone is protecting them. There is no single path to healing, with your love and guidance, your child will heal on their own time.
• Spending extra time with your child, in a loving and safe environment, will help them on the road to acceptance and gaining back their self-esteem.

Children that suffer abuse alone can end up in a struggle with unhealthy coping mechanisms for the rest of their life: drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, to name a few... and in the worst situations a greater propensity for adult rape/abuse or repeating the abuse on other children.

What to avoid:

DO NOT:

• Do NOT minimize the situation. Being touched inappropriately, or dealing any sexual situation before they are ready, is something confusing and terrible for a child to have to sort out. Do not use comparisons such as rape vs. molestation, or if you were abused as a child, comparing their situation to yours.
• Do NOT ignore the situation. There are other children in danger. Get your child help and report it to the police to protect other children.
• Do NOT blame the child. This goes without saying, but some people are stupid. Your child, or teenager, needs your support and unconditional love. No matter what the circumstances were they were NOT at fault.
• Do NOT allow contact between your child and the abuser. If it is a family member, it may feel like a loss to everyone to not spend holidays with the family, but what is important, is standing up for your child. Be their hero. Save them from the shame and hurt that would come from forcing everyone to be in the same location.
• Do NOT lose control of yourself in front of them. They need a safe space to talk about the situation. If you start screaming and crying and threatening to hurt their abuser, they may not feel safe. Go to the police, but first talk to your child and make sure they feel safe.

Educate yourself!

This post is by no means all inclusive, please go to the library or jump on amazon and educate yourself.

Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse

I have not read these but some of them are only $0.99 if you have a kindle, or the app on your phone:
Pedophiles Don't Discriminate: How to Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse
No More Secrets: Protecting Your Child from Sexual Assault

There are tons of books to educate even the youngest kids on what is inappropriate:
I Said No! A Kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private
Your Body Belongs to You
No Means No!: Teaching children about personal boundaries, respect and consent; empowering kids by respecting their choices and their right to say, 'No!'
Do You Have a Secret? (Let's Talk About It!)

If you are a victim of child sexual abuse there are also a lot of recovery books to help you heal:
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 20th Anniversary Edition
It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion
Hush: Moving From Silence to Healing After Childhood Sexual Abuse

There are so many other facets of sexual abuse when it comes to technology. Please get educated and teach your children about the warning signs of online stalkers and video game "groomers".

More resources:

A great website for further resources and information: http://www.stopitnow.org/

Educating the masses? PSA is a company I work for that creates and distributes awareness materials. Please check out their website for DVDs, promotional items, sliders, and display materials: www.psacorp.com.

Please share this post to help keep kids safe.

Again, please share this so we can help protect our kids.

Where is the kindness in kids?!

My hands are shaking as I set the library books on the counter. I smile at our favorite elderly librarian who is talking to my kids, which are eagerly awaiting stamps that smell like chocolate. My heart is beating out of my chest and I am telling myself to calm down... a few more minutes and we will be outside.

The kids look over at me and smile. They are standing on the steps that make them tall enough to do the library transactions all by themselves. Kenzie is putting books in her book bag. She hands one to Ketcher, because she knows he likes to feel important too. They are good kids.

The librarian gives out the bumble bee stamp Kenzie picked, and I can see the kids that caused my elevated stress level standing at the entrance of the kids library section. Their Mom is talking to them.

My kids both say a thank-you for the stamps and off we go. A few more seconds... and... we are out.

As soon as we are in the car, I let my anger wash over me.

A nice trip to the library to return books and get a few more, turned ugly. As soon as we walked into the kids room, Kenzie made a bee line for a little boy and girl, maybe 6 years old, sitting on the dragon perched at the top of the "stage"... which is a little more than a glorified stair case up the wall. I try not to intervene, but I am always close enough to listen to what is happening.

Kenzie: "Hi! My name is Kenzie! Want to play with me?"
(We have worked with her on how to introduce herself to other kids.)
Kids: Looking away from her. Nasty faces. Talking to each other.

I am walking with Ketcher and letting him climb the bridge, which is his favorite part of library time. I hear the kids say "Go away!" I walk over to Kenzie with a colorful book and she is distracted for a moment.

The kids walk around and Kenzie inevitably tries to follow.

"Stop following us! Go away!"

Where the hell is the Mom at this point? Oh right behind us, choosing to ignore how awful her kids are being a 3 year old. Awesome.

I get her reasonably distracted and we pick out some Pooh Bear books, and a song book. The kids are back on the top step and Kenzie runs up to sit with them.

The little girl says: "Stop following us, we don't like you!"

I lose my shit.

I don't give a rats ass if that Mom is in the room or not. I walk over to them, pick up my daughter whose face is no longer smiling, and I said: "That was NOT NICE!" and walked away.

Oh... what I would have loved to really say...

I looked at the Mom who obviously heard me and gave her my best - you are a terrible person - face.

I am still sitting in the car. I haven't put it in drive yet. I need to calm down.. I text Dan to tell him how terrible, once again, the people in this town can be. We live in a touristy mountain town. Idealistic from the outside. On the inside, people can be self-entitled, spoiled, jerks. I don't care if you push your attitudes on me, but I will be damned if you, or your children, are going to treat my kids like that.

The kids are getting restless. I start driving to the grocery store and I talk to Kenzie about what happened. I tell her she is kind, and I am proud of her for being nice, even when other kids were being mean.

We get home from running errands and Dan comes home for lunch. He asks Kenzie about her library trip. She tells him all about the two kids that kept saying: "Stop following us, we don't like you."

Hearing it from her mouth is like a punch in the gut. Sometimes I assume she might be too young to understand what is happening, but that is totally untrue. She gets it. She just chose to ignore their comments and keep trying to play with them. She is kind. We are teaching her the right attitudes. Unfortunately it breaks my heart that this happens over and over again.

I am sure there are mean kids in every town, in every class, in every grade... but why? Why is it so hard to teach our kids kindness? Compassion? A sense of community?

Today I will be hugging the Littles tighter and try to be thankful that my kids are the nice ones.

Thank you for reading! Please support your local library and read to your Littles. There is nothing better than a good book and a snuggly baby in your lap, especially when the book teaches kindness.

5 Best Parenting Tips for Under 5

Here it is parents! A list of the best items for the under 5 crowd!

It's like Oprah's favorite things... but I'm nobody.

#1 Best Parenting Idea EVER: Quiet time boxes

Kenzie gave up napping by 18 months. Eventually, instead of playing quietly in her room, she would lay on the floor and kick the living hell out of her door for an hour. Imagine sitting at the kitchen table, trying to reconcile bank accounts, while hearing the constant pounding of feet on a door. It was not a good situation. I scoured the internet and found the idea for quiet time boxes.

The steps to building your own set of boxes:

• Gather up all the kids toys in the whole house, that are small enough to fit in a box.
• Buy 20 qt. plastic tubs... a lot of them.
• Fill the tubs with the toys.
• Take a new one out every day for 2 hours until the last box has been used.
• Repeat.

The majority of our boxes contain these items:

• Story on CD with read-a-long book
• color-wonder book with markers (can't write on anything but the book. Genius!)
• Dress up outfit
• Figurine set to play with
• Puzzle
• Book
• Magnet set

That's pretty much it. As she has gotten older, each box has it's own theme. Examples: under the sea, safari, aladdin, frozen, tangled, etc. It gives them plenty to play with in a 2 hour time span. Every now and again she puts herself down for a nap. That's her call to make. As long as she sleeps a solid 7pm to 7am, I am not trying to force her to nap.

When quiet time is over, so are the toys. We put them all back in the box and the boxes are put away. They ONLY come out during this time which makes them special.

#2 Best Tip for Leaving the House: Stocked Bag

Leaving the house with kids of any age is never easy. First you have to bring a car load of junk "just in case" and second they usually decide to poop at the exact moment you have to leave to be somewhere.

I can't help you with the pooping, but I can give you some tips to make leaving the house quicker and easier.

First of all, forget the over the shoulder diaper bag. Get yourself a big backpack with lots of compartments. Fill the compartments as such:

• Compartment 1: A set of diapers,  a big pouch of wipes, and a changing pad. Wipes will double for butts and hands & face. If your kids are over 1 year old, you probably won't do much changing outside of the house any more.
•  Compartment 2: utensils, bibs, yum boxes, pouches of food. The Yum Boxes are the key here. They can be filled 20 minutes before you leave, with all the snacks your little one can handle, and you won't have to wait for food to be delivered to the table, or pay for food that doesn't get touched. Don't have a yum box for each kid yet? Buy them right now. You can thank me later.
• Limited number of toys. Lugging around 100 toys will just hurt your back. Put a few special toys in the pack they are only allowed to play with while at restaurants or outings. My 3yr old loves wipe clean books. My 1.5 yr old, loves food... so that's an easy one.
• Don't forget Sippy cups in the side pockets. They aren't supposed to leak, but they do.

Keep extra diapers, clothes, coats, shoes, and snacks in your car. That way you don't have to lug them everywhere but they are close in case you need them.

When you get home, replace the bibs, utensils, diapers, and wipes if needed. Clean the food and trash out of your bag so it will be ready to go for next time.

#3 Best Sleeping Tip: Early bedtime

My kids sleep like champs. They both have a bedtime of 7pm. They both sleep until 7am. Although my 3 year old gave up naps very early, my 1.5 year old takes a 2+ hour nap every day as well as sleeping 12 hours.

Putting them to bed early has so many more benefits than just getting your kids to sleep:

• We get a babysitter at 7pm. The kids are already in bed and we don't need to worry about the whole "babysitter - kids" dynamic. I used to babysit as a kid and I would have LOVED for someone to have put the kids to bed BEFORE I came over. It's tough putting someone else's kids to bed. It's also probably tough to be put to bed by someone other than your parents.
• We get alone time every night. It's nearly impossible to have a conversation while the kids are awake. Let alone one of meaningful purpose.
• Getting to sleep ourselves. With a 7pm bedtime, we can go to sleep at a decent hour every night. As you can see, this is the gift that keeps on giving.

#4 Best Quality Time Tip: School Time

When they are old enough... that's your call... school time is actually super fun and extremely important.

I didn't even bother until Kenzie turned 3. She has a hard enough time sitting still. I thought it was probably time when she would sit and work on a puzzle for longer than 30 minutes. 30 minutes on anything for a toddler is a BIG deal. At no point do I focus on anything for 30 minutes long unless she is really into it.

Supplies: Google preschool curriculum and you will see all the sites devoted to educating our little ones. I love Timberdoodle kits and that's what I use to school my kids. Timberdoodle uses logic based learning and a hands on approach.  Dan and I are both better at learning hands-on then by reading or listening. However, if your kids have a LOVE of books or writing or listening, there are curriculums for those learning styles too.

You can also jump on amazon on buy all sorts of good stuff if you just want to choose a few things to cover.

Here are some of the items we use every week:

• Read 1 alphabet book a week
• Logic games: Peak-a-boo bunny, Day Night, 3 Little Pigs
• Pencil work: Dot-to-Dot for tiny tots, building thinking skills workbook, math workbook, preschool workbook, drawing books
• Farmland math - which uses a farm mat and 30 farm animals of various colors
• Alphabet letters to play with - puzzles, bananagrams, magnets
• Montessori books - letter work, number work, maps
• Preschool science kit

What I saw in Kenzie after we started "school time" is almost indescribable. She is more focused, confident, and helpful. She learns about teaching others, when I teach her. She tries to "teach" Ketcher about games, writing, drawing, counting, and anything else we cover. Plus the one-on-one time with her is helping her not act out during the day. Her attention tank is full on school days so she is much more agreeable.

As a bonus Ketcher is picking up a LOT. He can count, he knows a lot of his letters, and he knows most of the letter sounds already. I haven't sat down with him and formally worked on anything yet, but I know he is listening to us and obviously picking up what I am laying down.

 #5 Best Tip for Keeping Calm: Have a sense of humor

The kids definitely get to me sometimes. Maybe I have been alone with them for 4 days in a row without a break, or maybe it's been a solid 6 hours and they are in one of their screaming moods. Sometimes I have to stop, breathe, and think about the humor in the situation.

Everyone reacts differently, but if you can approach life with kids with humor, you are becoming a more approachable parent. No child wants to be honest and open with a reactive parent. When you are starting to lose it, just think about how other parents might approach this situation with humor.

Make no mistake, you are going to lose it with your kids, no matter how great your sense of humor is. There is a fair amount of yelling, and trantrumming of my own that goes on in this house. When that happens, I forgive myself, and move on. Laugh about how ridiculous it is to lose my cool to a 1.5 and 3 year old. Apologize to my kids for being crazy and work on it again tomorrow. Luckily they are forgiving.

Do you have any tips, products, or items that have saved your sanity? Share them here or on facebook!

As always, thank you so much for reading!

Out with 2015, in with 2016

2015 was a bust. In with 2016!

As much as I want to write about all my complaints over the past year, if you have been reading my blog, you already know. It was a tough year.

To summarize for my new readers:

Two toddlers, a new puppy, a husband with a broken leg, very sick children for almost the entire summer, and a health scare for my Mom. That pretty much sums it up.

Moving on...

The new year usually brings new projects. I believe it's the way to deal with the end of the holidays. Focusing on something new means we don't have to dwell on the next 6 months of winter (up here in the mountains anyway), a relentless work schedule, and not having anything to look forward to.

In years past, I have jumped on the usual bandwagon of resolutions: working out, eating healthy, saving the environment, and whatever else calls to me at the moment.

My 2016 resolution was set about a month before year end: I need to work on my priorities. I spent 35 years - well maybe just the adult half - working on my career. I made some epic mistakes in 2015... taking on more work, trying new avenues of income, thinking going into an office was the answer to whatever I was looking for. I realize now my priorities were seriously misaligned and none of that was going to make me happy.

My two nuggets are tiny, they need me. I love my work, but I love my family more. So the time has come to enjoy the work schedule I have, and relish in the freedom working from home gives me. I need to live in the present, because these kids are all the sudden starting to grow up fast.

Kenzie turned 3 on December 1st and she went from toddler into being a preschooler. To start, I decided to give night time potty training a try. It's been nearly 3 weeks and she has not had an accident. She has started to get up at the crack of dawn and run around the house until everyone else is awake, but her undies stay dry and I never have to put her in diapers again. Woo hoo!

She has realized her little brother is a potential playmate. When the moon is full, and the stars are in the right alignment, they can actually play together for the better part of an hour without either of them crying. As if a mystical unicorn is frolicking in the yard, I peak nervously through the doorways to catch a glimpse of this wonder. It is fragile, magical, and I never want to disturb it.

I haven't been able to capture it yet... so here's a picture
of a unicorn.

Finally, if you follow me on instagram @ayoung102 you already know what's coming: I started doing school time every day with her. I was nervous that I would get frustrated, or she would get frustrated, but it turns out, she is ready to learn. School time is now our favorite part of the day. She asks for it on the weekends. She always wants her "school toys". Watching her learn is probably one of the greatest joys I have witnessed as a parent.



Banangrams matching game

Dot to Dot for Tiny Tots

Ketcher is now the crazy toddler of the house. Fortunately for him, Kenzie put us through the ringer and back, so we are seasoned at dealing with tantrums and anything else he throws our way.

While she is "working", Ketcher gets to play with toys without having them stolen from him. He gets to use her school toys, in whatever manner he sees fit, and it actually is really easy.

Farmland Math - "I got this!"

There are times when I even get to write a little for myself while they are in "school".

So, that's the update at the moment. Many more good things to come this year!

Thank you so much for reading!

I can handle normal.

I woke up to the light reflecting off the snow, giving our room a daytime glow, even though it is only 6:30am. I look at the monitor. Ketcher is laying in bed using his hockey stick to swipe at toys on the floor. Kenzie is in her drapes gazing at the snow. I smile.

Today feels good. It's been a week since the darkness seemed all consuming. Sometimes we have to be in the dark to see the light.

It's normal, I can handle normal.

Dan's alarm goes off and he grabs his phone to check the snow report. He reaches over and touches my shoulder. I know today is going to be a good day.

We get up and I head downstairs to take care of the dogs and kids. The dogs barrel down the stairs ready to run outside. When I open the door they see the snow and hesitate. Tully (he's our senior dog) is not a fan of snow. The puppy, on the other hand, isn't quite sure of what this white, cold substance is. He licks at it and then heads out. He is a Swiss Mountain Dog and made for the snow.

I spend a few minutes getting breakfast ready before I let the kids out of their rooms. I think about how much has changed in the past week.

There was a lot of darkness. After months of struggling, I hit my lowest. There was no way I could have gotten out of it without help.

I don't like to put myself out there. As soon as I hit post, I always feel this twinge of regret, but I am so glad I posted. With each text, email, message and comment I felt like I wasn't alone. Everyone has bad days, weeks, months, and hearing that other people are going through it, or went through it, made me feel normal, instead of alone.

I can handle normal.

I open the kids bedroom doors. They both come out slowly today. Ketcher still seems groggy and Kenzie is wandering around hoping Daddy is already downstairs. She is holding her snowboarding T-Shirt in one hand and a stack of felt ornaments in another.

The laundry basket is full of clothes to be folded so I get started. Again I let my thoughts wander...

Dan answered my cry for help two-fold. First, he took me out on a date, just us, and we talked... like really talked. We got back on the same page, and having both of us on the same page, is like starting a new, happier chapter of life. We have been together for 14+ years so it is only natural fall out-of-step every now and then. Thankfully it's never at the same time, one of us is always there to pull the other back in.

That's normal, I can handle normal.

Kenzie needs serious physical exercise. She is a toddler with infinite amounts of energy. Dan took her out snowboarding, ice skating, and doing all things that he did before he broke his leg. This gave me time to spend with Ketcher. The strength of a second child is their ability to relish time without a sibling. Time spent playing with toys without having them ripped out of their grip. So although it did us both good to have some quality time together, it helped me catch up on work so I didn't have to work at night.

It was time well spent and I feel better.

The kids are chasing the puppy around the house. They are all making a lot of noise but everyone seems happy. I go through the usual morning motions, but today, I have a smile on my face.

Kenzie brings me the stocking ornament from her felt Christmas tree grandma made. When we ask her what it is, she says "it's a foot." I start giggling and she laughs with me. It's more of a screaming hysterical laughter, but she's happy. That's what counts.

Dan heads to the ski hill, and we take up our morning spots on the couch. I fold laundry and think about how thankful I am. I know there will be bad times and I am glad that out of the darkness there will always be light. It's all normal, and I can handle normal.

So many thanks go out to everyone that took the time to comment on my last post. Your thoughts, prayers, and words have not been taken for granted. I hope I can pay-it-forward.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

I can't sleep. It's been days since I have had a complete nights sleep. Although the puppy is adding to the problem, it's not the kids, it's just me.

I climb out of bed and turn off Dan's alarm. He offered to get up with the kids this morning. I let the puppy out and take a quick shower. At 7am I creep down the stairs. I can already hear Kenzie, who is laying on the floor, with her lips pushed against the bottom of the door, calling to me. "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mama, mama, mama, maaaaa, mommmmmmmmYYYYYYYY!"

I feed the puppy and put him back outside. I contemplate opening Kenzie's door, but decide to start with Ketcher.  He is quietly looking at books in his bed, like normal. I hand him one of the many books I have memorized and proceed to recite it as I change his diaper. He is laughing at my different voices as I go through what each character says.  He has an easy calm about him. I thank God every day for his soothing demeanor. The rest of us in this house are all type A people. We all fight for control. It's exhausting.

Meanwhile, Kenzie is calling out relentlessly, but just like every morning, she is a ticking time bomb and the first of many tantrums will come within the first 10 minutes of opening her door.

We finish up and I open her door a crack. She bursts out like a cannon ball running through the house yelling "NO GUS!" Gus (the puppy) is still outside. Ketcher creeps in her room and starts playing with a set of Peanuts characters she could care less about. She notices and goes into hysterics, grabbing and kicking at the small toys. Ketcher hands them over and sighs. He knows not to poke the bear, even at 17 months.

I make eggs, oatmeal, and bagels for breakfast, start Dan's truck, and lean against the counter looking at my hands. They are dry and have cuts all over. Between sewing Halloween stuff and arranging branches on the Christmas tree, they hurt.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

I wonder if they are a reflection of what is going on in my head right now, I am hurting too.

I am tired. I am tired of the screaming, the reasoning with someone totally unreasonable, with the monotony that comes with parenting 2 small children, every day, all day. I am tired of the late nights of working, keeping the house clean, and cooking dinner. I am tired of simply keeping my emotions under wraps and acting like everything is great.

I know I have said this repeatedly, and I say it to myself every day... I designed this life for myself. I have 2 healthy children. I should be elated to be exactly where I wanted to be. Somehow this life is falling short of the grand scheme I had in my mind.

I thought there would be more hugs, more laughs, more happiness. Isn't that what the hallmark channel would lead us to believe? I thought parenting would bring a new level of challenge and closeness to my marriage. Didn't people tell me that when I got pregnant? Aren't I supposed to be relishing every tiny moment in this life I have created?  Isn't that what Disney teaches us? That some day, after we have everything we want, we live happily ever after?

The harsh reality is that small children have no real emotional control. That the screaming and crying grates on your nerves. That doing simple tasks, like going to the store can be physically and emotionally draining. That two people from two different parents, parent differently. That there is very little time to spend emotionally connecting with your partner. That there is really nothing that you can control, aside from the daily activities you choose to do.

The dogs outside barking, pull me from my thoughts. I let them in and start cleaning up plates. The kids are running around the house like maniacs. Kenzie is screaming... so much screaming. I don't know how that girl still has a voice.

As I clean I start to wonder what my problem is...

Before children I would wake early, work out, enjoy the whole process of getting ready, eat a healthy breakfast, jam out to my music on the way to work. Sit in my office all day working to solve all the accounting puzzles that come with the job. I know I am weird like that, but I really do love what I do. I would go out to lunch with my work bestie and shoot the shit. Jam out on the drive home. Go out for dinner and drinks with Dan. Go to bed, and do it all again the next day.

So why did I even want kids? I was lonely. We are away from our families. It's Dan and I. He has his love of adrenaline inducing sports, and I had... a lot of time to think and wonder what my life would be like with someone to take care of. At the time we had 5 healthy, adult dogs. That just wasn't enough. I needed someone to bake cookies with, to help me decorate a Christmas tree, to give my life meaning.

I got it. I didn't want just one, safety in numbers. They can watch out for each other. For a while, things were fine. I was so happy. In awe of the 2 tiny lives we created. Now I have 2 toddlers and I am trying to find the happiness again in my daily life.

Every time someone tells me that these years are the hardest, and "it will get better"... I just want to burst into tears and hug them. I need comforting words like that. I need to know that there may be a time when I do get more happiness and less tears. That the laughter will come easily. That there will be more hugs and less hits. That things won't be so damn hard.

Ketcher is crying. The puppy has tackled him to the ground. I pick him up and he says "Eat?" This kid is a never ending pit of hunger. I fill a cup with cereal and send him on his way. Kenzie notices and is back in hysterics because she doesn't have a cup of cereal. I quickly remedy the situation, and she screams with glee.

Right now, everything is a struggle and I am tired.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

 

A big thanks to Amber for telling me to tell the real story on my blog. I am glad to have you in my life.

5 Things I Really Need to Work On

I have been working on a "things that I have learned" post, in honor of my 35th birthday this month, but the more I self reflect, the more I realize I have a lot to learn. So here are some things I really need to work on...

1. Learn names.

It's basic. There are tricks to learning, but with me, it doesn't work at all. Here is how the commentary in my head goes, when I meet someone for the first time:

     Me:  Hello neighbor! My name is Amanda.

     Neighbor: Hi Amanda, my name is Bill.

     Me thinking as the neighbor is talking... hmm... his name is Bill? He looks more like a Dave. His name should be Dave.

     Later that night...

     Me: I met the neighbor in the house behind ours today. He seems nice.

     Dan:  What's his name?

     Me: I think it's Dave.

The same goes for kids names, and places that people come from.

Oh she is way too nice to be from Florida... Minnesota seems like a better fit.

    Dan: Where was she from?
   
    Me: Minnesota



2. Ask for help.

Asking for help is healthy. Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, until it feels like it will crush you, is not. Yes, I can do it myself... but it will make us all a lot happier if sometimes I reach out and ask for help.  With juggling working from home and 2 kids and now a puppy... there are a lot of moments that I could use a little help. So if you get a text from me, requesting the pleasure of your company, it is probably a small cry for help. If I selected you as my life line... consider it the ultimate honor in trust and friendship.

3. Talk to other people

Is there some kind of class everyone takes when they are pregnant so they all know each other and each others kids? I drop Kenzie at dance class, and all the other parents talk amongst themselves like they are best friends. It's a mix of Moms and Dads that I am guessing are stay at home parents since her class is at 11:15 on a weekday. So how did they find each other?  Where is this network I can join? Do I even want to join? I am busy trying to squeeze in 45 solid minutes of uninterrupted work, but I can't help feel a little envious of their relaxed, social manner.

The only sentence I have muttered since her first class 6 weeks ago was...

     shrieking coming from the room... all the parents stand to peak in the window of the door, hoping it's not their daughter

      Me: "Oh that's mine... if she isn't screaming I would be worried."

How do these people know each other so well, our kids are only 2!

4.  Live in the moment.

This is so much easier said than done. I spend the majority of my time thinking about the future... What am I going to make for lunch, what is happening this weekend, what my kids need to know before they start school, what college they might attend, how far they might move away from me when they are grown up, and who is going to live with me when I rent that condo in Miami and live out my own version of Golden Girls when I am old?  I am going to miss all these sweet moments, if I don't start living in the moment.

I am well aware that I will be the Sofia of the group.

I have been trying to spend at least 10 minutes of quality alone time with each kid, every day. This means getting on their level and doing whatever it is they are into at the moment. That might be working a puzzle alongside Kenzie, because God forbid I touch any of the puzzle pieces she is working with. Crawling around on the floor after Ketcher, who thinks this is possibly the greatest game of all time. It doesn't seem like a lot of time, since I am home with them all the time, but trust me... 10 minutes of uninterrupted time, with no phones, screens, dogs, or sibling distraction is a major accomplishment. Hopefully we can bump that time up once the youngest and the puppy are a little older.

Well said Cookie, well said.

5.  Be a better person.

Being the parent of young children makes you extremely self-centered. It is just how we survive. If we had to also think about the people outside of our crazy households, we would explode. That said, I really need to take some time and be better. Be a better daughter. Be a better sister. Be a better friend. Be a better example for my kids with regard to people in my life. I know it is a stretch... and I know it won't be easy... but it needs to happen and the sooner the better.

Anything I missed? Have any of these struck a cord with you? Tell me about it.

As always, thank you so much for reading!