The cure for boredom

Dan went back to work so I am back in the saddle again. Ok maybe not "in the saddle," more like being dragged by the foot still strapped in the saddle.

Eiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

My concept of dates and time cease to exist. Nursing sessions feel like hours, nap time feels like seconds. I know it’s the afternoon because that’s when the rain rolls in. There are no moments not taken up by one or both of the kids.

I wake to Ketcher crying to be fed at 5am. I fall asleep at 10pm when he finally nods off for the night. Of course there may be 1-2 feedings in the middle of the night, but at this point I am skilled enough to pull off a feeding and diaper change without really waking up.

"What else is she asleep during?!"

My days are taken up with the art of toddler distractions. When I feed Ketch, Kenz and I play the “where’s the…” game. She loves it and it takes no effort. I name something in the room and she points to it. She knows couch, light, lamp, quilt, door, ceiling, carpet, bassinet, ottoman, window, plant, guitar, tree, mandolin, banjo, chair, table, TV, Ketcher, mommy, remote… the list goes on and on. We do the same thing in the bath if she gets fussy.

I can’t believe I used to sit and watch TV, work, read, or workout. I used to get bored. I can’t imagine being bored any more. I barely have time to eat and as any parent knows, I can't even use the bathroom alone.



"You think you got it bad, at least you can wipe your own butt!"

My bookkeeping business, which consists of 1 employee... me, has picked up another client, so in the highly unlikely event that both children are asleep at the same time, I am working. Right now I am writing this post as I make a lasagna for dinner and Kenzie is playing loudly in her room. Ketcher is asleep in the swing (thank God for the swing!!!) and the dogs are quietly sulking upstairs.  

So what's the cure for boredom?  Have 2 children 18 months apart. I promise you will not be bored. Teetering on the brink of insanity, but never ever bored.

 

The Baby Blues

It's been 3 weeks since delivery and I am still battling the "Baby Blues".

Symptoms of “baby blues” include: (copied from the American Pregnancy Association website)

• Weepiness or crying for no apparent reason
• Impatience
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Anxiety
• Fatigue
• Insomnia (even when the baby is sleeping)
• Sadness
• Mood changes
• Poor concentration

Luckily I don't have all these symptoms, but I have enough to make me watchful for post partum depression. I will gladly take a happy pill if that would help make me a better parent and wife.

Yup those are the ones!

I used to be a morning person, happily waking up with a song and a bounce in my step. Greeting the day like an old friend. Now I greet the day like Janice, the cranky old lady down the street, that screams at everyone walking by. She needs some sleep and maybe a really strong cocktail.

Ketcher has started to get more alert, and with that is a whole lot more crying. He also has some serious day/night confusion right now. He sleeps all day, so much that I have to wake him to eat, and then at night it's party time... and by party I mean endless poopy diapers, eating, and crying. My mantra is "Only a few more weeks.  Only a few more weeks.  Only a few more weeks."  By 6 weeks old they usually have the day/night confusion under control. By 12 weeks they lose the witching hours and start to fall into a decent schedule. Only a few more weeks.

Kenzie has good and bad moments.  I would be a lot more tolerant of her screaming fits if I had more sleep. Currently every time her high pitched siren goes off, I rush her into her room. It's all I can do to not lose it. By lose it I mean stoop to her level and get frustrated or yell. No sense in both of us tantruming for no reason.

I get especially pissed when Ketcher is finally drifting off to sleep after being awake for endless hours and Kenzie starts screaming. Her screams could break the sound barrier. She obviously inherited my lung capacity and loudness. This too shall pass, right?  When?  Can I get a date on that?

"You wish your eyebrows were this perfect!"
-girl in the mirror

As for me? I am at that horrible stage of thinking I should be back to my pre-baby body. I know... it's only been 3 weeks, but try telling that to the girl in the mirror. She is using my sleep deprivation against me, to get under my skin and taunt me like a sixth grader. I have already been through the hell of sixth grade, I am not going back. (See this post if you need more insight to my past.)

My insecurity is starting to spill out in the form of jealousy. Dan and I have been together for over a decade, so lets not jump to the conclusion that it's other women, I am jealous of his freedom. He will be returning to work on Friday after 3 weeks of man-ternity leave. He will once again enter the world of adult conversation, leaving me alone to talk to the only person who talks back, the girl in the mirror... oh and Janice.

Meet Janice! She likes warm hugs and walks
in the rain, said no one ever.

Only a few more weeks.

Breastfeeding, what they don't tell you

"Breast is Best!" is what every pregnant woman is told. To the point that you feel very guilty if you can't breastfeed or even if you supplement with formula.

Let's talk a little bit about what they don't tell you...

Don't be fooled, it hurts. Maybe for some women it doesn't, because they are magical like a unicorn, or that one lady that's a friend of a friend that gave birth naturally with no pain. I am not saying it will hurt forever, but there will be pain and probably a fair amount of frustration.  I am 16 days in and either Ketch is getting the hang of latching on properly, or I have just become more tolerable of the pain... but most of the time, there is still a minute of discomfort.

I know they are out there... but I have never seen one.
A mom that never had pain breastfeeding  I mean.

Cramping. You feed your baby, your uterus contracts. Yup, those are contractions. They can be uncomfortable, painful, or just annoying, but there they are putting your body back to the way it used to be pre-baby.  No pain, no gain right? Luckily this only lasts for a week or two. Then its up to you to get your body back in shape. I would rather take another month of cramping.

Soooooo thirsty! Did someone pour sand into your mouth? It is painful to sit down and have your baby latch on, only to realize you left your ice cold water across the room. You don't dare move, you just have to suffer through another 40 minutes until you can guzzle that frosty glass of water.  Make sure you have water at all your feeding locations or suffer dehydration worse than Death Valley in July.

Just... out... of... reach... DAMN IT!

It's boring. Not in the beginning. You will stare lovingly at your baby's hair, fingers, nose... but after a month of 40 minute feeding sessions every 2 hours, you will be craving a new episode of Goldbergs.

You will worry. There are no measurements, no estimates, not even pumping will give you an accurate measure of your supply.  You just have to wing it and hope the doctor gives you a thumbs up at your baby's next appointment.  Side note:  You become much more confident after your first baby.

Can't breastfeed or don't want to?  If it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world. My brother and I were formula fed and my brother is one of the smartest people I know. As for me, I am pretty awesome, so there's that...

I only breastfed this little one for 6 months. Once
those first teeth popped through she said to me:
"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

We made it!

Smiling again... phew!

What's that?  Is that a smile? Yup, it sure is!

The eye of the storm has passed finally.  Kenzie, our little ray of light, has returned from darkness.

Her cold is gone, and she is all smiles, hugs and kisses. Without being asked, she has decided to help me with the baby as much as she can. When I set Ketch on the ottoman she knows it's time for a diaper change. She brings me the wipes, a diaper and the vaseline. She loves to hold the bottle and when he cries she comes up and pats my back... it must be because I make a sad empathy face at Ketcher or perhaps she is simply thinking: You brought him home mom, good luck with that!

A snack bowl can be a
tantrum saver.

Since last Tuesday we have been working on different strategies that might help her stay in control. The most important was to cut out all screen time. That means no TV, movies, music, iphone apps, ipad apps, facetime, and anything else with a screen. That also means we keep our phones and computers off while she is awake. So if I haven't returned your call, text, or email, that's why. There is definitely a direct correlation between how much screen time she gets, and how nasty she becomes. This means, no rest for the weary (me).

I have also been mustering up any and all of my energy to spend on her when Ketcher is asleep.  I took back over bath time and bed time and all the meals, except breakfast. She is much happier having mommy back. Dan takes care of Ketcher during those times, so I am not distracted.  I started drawing out the bed time leaving routine to include lots of hugs, kisses and giggles before I leave the room. The last laughs she gives before I leave the room, wash away any of the tension leftover from the day. Which is good because I have Ketcher's witching hours to tackle, which last until midnight.

Our days include LOTS of outdoor time, which is great for my pasty winter-white legs.

Ok dad, lets go play!

She still has a moment here and there where she loses control, but we have an action plan now that works. She also has the usual tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, but they are over in less than a minute, and we don't even justify them with a glance.

We still need some time to get our new routines set in stone, but we are getting there and the days are so much better. I recall from Kenzie's newborn days that things with Ketcher will get worse before they get better, so I am glad we have a handle on Kenz for now.

What to really be scared of after delivery

This is for all the pregnant moms I have been scaring with my posts lately. 

Ketch and his giant hand.
(It's just the camera angle.)

I just need to clarify a few things:

First of all, there is nothing more amazing than the newborn stage with your first baby. Yes, you have to deal with constant sleep deprivation for the first time ever, but you also get to experience the first smile, the first head turn, the first giggle. You also really learn what it means to love unconditionally. It is a feeling so fierce, so scary and so wonderful it makes every poopy diaper and 3am crying session able to be forgotten.  Just ask any parent who has children that are grown and gone. No one remembers the bad, because there is so much good.

Second of all, I have a toddler to chase around all day long, as well as, the sleepless nights. Sleep deprivation and hormones make for a really emotional roller coaster. It is healthy to be able to express your emotion, but instead I have to suppress it because there is enough emotion going on in this house without me adding to it.

Third, there are a lot of things I can't do right now because of Ketcher's oxygen tank. Some examples include putting Ketcher in a sling, so I can still get things done when he is awake. Or even going for a walk... I could do it but it would take me longer to prep the stroller, both kids, and hook up the travel oxygen than the actual walk. Even something as simple as sitting on the porch requires manual labor to move the tank and get setup outside in a way that doesn't involve tangled cords.

I am having a wonderful time connecting with my new baby.  Night feedings are almost a blessing, because they are the only time I am not distracted while I feed him. You will find that watching your sleeping baby smile and frown and make all kinds of faces is just one of life's simple and profound pleasures. That goes by so fast, make sure you get some video of it.

"Oh, not the belly pushing!"

Even with all the nasty spewing out of Kenzie there are still so many moments that make me so glad to be her mom. Tonight I was putting her to bed, and I was giving her raspberries on her cheek.  She wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a big kiss and started laughing like crazy. She didn't want to let me go. We were both laughing and it was just one of those moments you catalog in your memory.  I won't remember the epic the tantrum at target, but I won't forget that first real bedtime snuggle.

The only real things to be afraid of are the mesh underwear you get at the hospital, when they push on your belly every 15 minutes for the first 24 hours after birth, and the pain of breastfeeding.

The Goal: Survival

My writing buddy
while Dan and Kenz are
out hiking.

We have had good days and some very, very bad ones.

Warning: There is no real lesson or organization to this post. I am just trying to get it all out there in the hopes that someone will have some life changing advice for me, or maybe someone out there, who is going through the same thing, won't feel alone.

Nights are really going great. Ketcher has witching hours just like all babies, but he tends to sleep consistently from midnight to 7am, with only 1 feeding during that time. I barely feel sleep deprived, although my moodiness and short fuse say otherwise.

I am not sure why the newborn diapers are sliding down around Ketcher's ankles. He isn't THAT small. Three mornings a row I woke up and noticed wet spots on his swaddle and his diaper was literally at his ankles. Don't be confused about the wet spots, it's poop. It's always poop.

Kenzie is starting to pay a little more attention to Ketch. Yesterday she started helping hold the bottle when we bottle feed. That is wonderful to see, but she also dropped the tub of Vaseline right on the little guys face, so it's a give and take.

Time bomb is probably an understatement these days. Kenzie thrives on routine and her routine went out the window when I went into labor last tuesday. New people feeding her, putting her to sleep, etc. She is still sick with a runny nose and teething. She is apparently hungrier and more tired than usual, which might be a growth spurt. It's a perfect storm of misery for all of us.

We are trying to cope through trial and error... mostly a lot of error. The goal now is to keep her belly full and make sure she isn't tired. I would love to have on disney movies all day to keep her distracted, but the more screen time she gets, the more of a nightmare she becomes, so we put the kibosh on all screen time.

I have been keeping a bowl of snacks out. Today I decided to just feed her lunch at about 9:45 because she seemed hungry. She gobbled up a PBJ and was content for about 30 mins.

Since January she has consistently taken 1 nap starting sometime between noon and 1pm.  The last few days we have had to adjust her naps times.  Today she went down at 10:15am because she totally lost control and couldn't stop screaming and crying.  I am pretty sure by the end she had no idea what started it in the first place.

When she loses control she doesn't want hugs or comfort in the traditional sense. So without sound or emotion, I take her into her room and do the usual bedtime rituals which seems to help a lot: Turn on sound machine, close drapes, put her in her sleep suit, turn off the lights. She climbs into bed and usually the crying is more of a whimper at that point. I give her kisses which makes her laugh and even if she doesn't sleep, it stops the out-of-control crying and screaming. Although so far she falls asleep every time.

I don't know if it is just because she is 18 months old and this is normal, or if it really is just a perfect storm of stuff happening all at once. We just really want our Kenzie back, that was here last Monday. With that said, I am sure she just wants her old life back. I don't know when we will find a new normal, or what that will look like, but I am hopeful that it will be better than this.

Postpartum feelings now and then

Wow are things different this time around. With my first baby in the days that followed getting home from the hospital, I was in this euphoric, life changing, anxious, sleep deprived, happy state. I wanted to be within arms reach of Kenzie at all times. When Dan gave her the first bath I cried and freaked out on him because he didn't read all the books I had. Obviously you need to read about how to give a baby a bath or else the child will surely drown.

With Ketch I walked right back into the newborn stage like meeting an old frienemy. We knew each other a while ago, and weren't really friends, but it is comforting to be around someone you know. The night wakings are no longer frustrating, the explosive diapers at 4am don't scare me, I fall easily back to sleep after a feeding, instead of wondering if he is breathing.  I even woke up with poop on my hand and didn't give it a second thought. Good times...

What I didn't see coming was the bone crushing, eye stinging guilt I feel over abandoning my toddler to meet the needs of my sweet baby boy. Her world has just been ripped apart. Dan left for Michigan 4 days ago, I have become inaccessible when I was once her favorite playmate, and for the icing on the cake she has a wicked cold. Basically she is in hell and doesn't understand why. Nor can she even communicate what she is feeling.

So what did the internet search on it render last night at 2am?  Let's discuss...

1. Label your toddlers emotions. I did this yesterday as she sat in the room while I nursed Ketcher. She was screaming and crying on floor and flailing her body around like she was on fire. I said. "I know you are angry right now and frustrated. I promise we will all get used to it and things will get better."  I am not sure she heard me over her blood curdling screams.

2. Address unmet needs. She needs her mom and dad right now, and we aren't there. My doc told me to stay in bed this week, bond with my new baby, stay away from stress because it messes with your milk supply. Mmm'kay... and when should I pencil in time with my oldest?  It is incredibly stressful to hear her wailing from the next room and having to feed or change Ketcher. To make matters worse I can't just pick up Ketch and move room to room. I have to wheel a 3 foot oxygen tank with us every where we go.

3. Let your toddler be involved with the baby. Yes this is one I can do, although Kenzie is much more fascinated by the oxygen tank with all the cords and knobs, and not super interested in the baby. Also, with Kenz being sick I can't have her all that close. I cringe every time she sneezes or coughs in the same room as the new baby.

4. Encourage them to express their feelings.  No issues there. Wail away.

5. Give them some control. Yes she is feeling like her life is totally out of control right now. However, when I give her simple decisions to make she doesn't get the concept yet.  Would you like to wear this or this? She grabs both and walks away.  Decisions at eating time are just ridiculous at this age, she has no idea what she wants until you put it on a spoon and bring it to her mouth.

6. Stay calm and appear happy, because they will feel even worse when they see you get frustrated with them.  I like this one. She needs a lot of TLC and hugs right now. Thank God for Disney movies.  When frustration starts setting in a little Frozen will make everything better.