I can handle normal.

I woke up to the light reflecting off the snow, giving our room a daytime glow, even though it is only 6:30am. I look at the monitor. Ketcher is laying in bed using his hockey stick to swipe at toys on the floor. Kenzie is in her drapes gazing at the snow. I smile.

Today feels good. It's been a week since the darkness seemed all consuming. Sometimes we have to be in the dark to see the light.

It's normal, I can handle normal.

Dan's alarm goes off and he grabs his phone to check the snow report. He reaches over and touches my shoulder. I know today is going to be a good day.

We get up and I head downstairs to take care of the dogs and kids. The dogs barrel down the stairs ready to run outside. When I open the door they see the snow and hesitate. Tully (he's our senior dog) is not a fan of snow. The puppy, on the other hand, isn't quite sure of what this white, cold substance is. He licks at it and then heads out. He is a Swiss Mountain Dog and made for the snow.

I spend a few minutes getting breakfast ready before I let the kids out of their rooms. I think about how much has changed in the past week.

There was a lot of darkness. After months of struggling, I hit my lowest. There was no way I could have gotten out of it without help.

I don't like to put myself out there. As soon as I hit post, I always feel this twinge of regret, but I am so glad I posted. With each text, email, message and comment I felt like I wasn't alone. Everyone has bad days, weeks, months, and hearing that other people are going through it, or went through it, made me feel normal, instead of alone.

I can handle normal.

I open the kids bedroom doors. They both come out slowly today. Ketcher still seems groggy and Kenzie is wandering around hoping Daddy is already downstairs. She is holding her snowboarding T-Shirt in one hand and a stack of felt ornaments in another.

The laundry basket is full of clothes to be folded so I get started. Again I let my thoughts wander...

Dan answered my cry for help two-fold. First, he took me out on a date, just us, and we talked... like really talked. We got back on the same page, and having both of us on the same page, is like starting a new, happier chapter of life. We have been together for 14+ years so it is only natural fall out-of-step every now and then. Thankfully it's never at the same time, one of us is always there to pull the other back in.

That's normal, I can handle normal.

Kenzie needs serious physical exercise. She is a toddler with infinite amounts of energy. Dan took her out snowboarding, ice skating, and doing all things that he did before he broke his leg. This gave me time to spend with Ketcher. The strength of a second child is their ability to relish time without a sibling. Time spent playing with toys without having them ripped out of their grip. So although it did us both good to have some quality time together, it helped me catch up on work so I didn't have to work at night.

It was time well spent and I feel better.

The kids are chasing the puppy around the house. They are all making a lot of noise but everyone seems happy. I go through the usual morning motions, but today, I have a smile on my face.

Kenzie brings me the stocking ornament from her felt Christmas tree grandma made. When we ask her what it is, she says "it's a foot." I start giggling and she laughs with me. It's more of a screaming hysterical laughter, but she's happy. That's what counts.

Dan heads to the ski hill, and we take up our morning spots on the couch. I fold laundry and think about how thankful I am. I know there will be bad times and I am glad that out of the darkness there will always be light. It's all normal, and I can handle normal.

So many thanks go out to everyone that took the time to comment on my last post. Your thoughts, prayers, and words have not been taken for granted. I hope I can pay-it-forward.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

I can't sleep. It's been days since I have had a complete nights sleep. Although the puppy is adding to the problem, it's not the kids, it's just me.

I climb out of bed and turn off Dan's alarm. He offered to get up with the kids this morning. I let the puppy out and take a quick shower. At 7am I creep down the stairs. I can already hear Kenzie, who is laying on the floor, with her lips pushed against the bottom of the door, calling to me. "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mama, mama, mama, maaaaa, mommmmmmmmYYYYYYYY!"

I feed the puppy and put him back outside. I contemplate opening Kenzie's door, but decide to start with Ketcher.  He is quietly looking at books in his bed, like normal. I hand him one of the many books I have memorized and proceed to recite it as I change his diaper. He is laughing at my different voices as I go through what each character says.  He has an easy calm about him. I thank God every day for his soothing demeanor. The rest of us in this house are all type A people. We all fight for control. It's exhausting.

Meanwhile, Kenzie is calling out relentlessly, but just like every morning, she is a ticking time bomb and the first of many tantrums will come within the first 10 minutes of opening her door.

We finish up and I open her door a crack. She bursts out like a cannon ball running through the house yelling "NO GUS!" Gus (the puppy) is still outside. Ketcher creeps in her room and starts playing with a set of Peanuts characters she could care less about. She notices and goes into hysterics, grabbing and kicking at the small toys. Ketcher hands them over and sighs. He knows not to poke the bear, even at 17 months.

I make eggs, oatmeal, and bagels for breakfast, start Dan's truck, and lean against the counter looking at my hands. They are dry and have cuts all over. Between sewing Halloween stuff and arranging branches on the Christmas tree, they hurt.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

I wonder if they are a reflection of what is going on in my head right now, I am hurting too.

I am tired. I am tired of the screaming, the reasoning with someone totally unreasonable, with the monotony that comes with parenting 2 small children, every day, all day. I am tired of the late nights of working, keeping the house clean, and cooking dinner. I am tired of simply keeping my emotions under wraps and acting like everything is great.

I know I have said this repeatedly, and I say it to myself every day... I designed this life for myself. I have 2 healthy children. I should be elated to be exactly where I wanted to be. Somehow this life is falling short of the grand scheme I had in my mind.

I thought there would be more hugs, more laughs, more happiness. Isn't that what the hallmark channel would lead us to believe? I thought parenting would bring a new level of challenge and closeness to my marriage. Didn't people tell me that when I got pregnant? Aren't I supposed to be relishing every tiny moment in this life I have created?  Isn't that what Disney teaches us? That some day, after we have everything we want, we live happily ever after?

The harsh reality is that small children have no real emotional control. That the screaming and crying grates on your nerves. That doing simple tasks, like going to the store can be physically and emotionally draining. That two people from two different parents, parent differently. That there is very little time to spend emotionally connecting with your partner. That there is really nothing that you can control, aside from the daily activities you choose to do.

The dogs outside barking, pull me from my thoughts. I let them in and start cleaning up plates. The kids are running around the house like maniacs. Kenzie is screaming... so much screaming. I don't know how that girl still has a voice.

As I clean I start to wonder what my problem is...

Before children I would wake early, work out, enjoy the whole process of getting ready, eat a healthy breakfast, jam out to my music on the way to work. Sit in my office all day working to solve all the accounting puzzles that come with the job. I know I am weird like that, but I really do love what I do. I would go out to lunch with my work bestie and shoot the shit. Jam out on the drive home. Go out for dinner and drinks with Dan. Go to bed, and do it all again the next day.

So why did I even want kids? I was lonely. We are away from our families. It's Dan and I. He has his love of adrenaline inducing sports, and I had... a lot of time to think and wonder what my life would be like with someone to take care of. At the time we had 5 healthy, adult dogs. That just wasn't enough. I needed someone to bake cookies with, to help me decorate a Christmas tree, to give my life meaning.

I got it. I didn't want just one, safety in numbers. They can watch out for each other. For a while, things were fine. I was so happy. In awe of the 2 tiny lives we created. Now I have 2 toddlers and I am trying to find the happiness again in my daily life.

Every time someone tells me that these years are the hardest, and "it will get better"... I just want to burst into tears and hug them. I need comforting words like that. I need to know that there may be a time when I do get more happiness and less tears. That the laughter will come easily. That there will be more hugs and less hits. That things won't be so damn hard.

Ketcher is crying. The puppy has tackled him to the ground. I pick him up and he says "Eat?" This kid is a never ending pit of hunger. I fill a cup with cereal and send him on his way. Kenzie notices and is back in hysterics because she doesn't have a cup of cereal. I quickly remedy the situation, and she screams with glee.

Right now, everything is a struggle and I am tired.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

 

A big thanks to Amber for telling me to tell the real story on my blog. I am glad to have you in my life.

5 Things I Really Need to Work On

I have been working on a "things that I have learned" post, in honor of my 35th birthday this month, but the more I self reflect, the more I realize I have a lot to learn. So here are some things I really need to work on...

1. Learn names.

It's basic. There are tricks to learning, but with me, it doesn't work at all. Here is how the commentary in my head goes, when I meet someone for the first time:

     Me:  Hello neighbor! My name is Amanda.

     Neighbor: Hi Amanda, my name is Bill.

     Me thinking as the neighbor is talking... hmm... his name is Bill? He looks more like a Dave. His name should be Dave.

     Later that night...

     Me: I met the neighbor in the house behind ours today. He seems nice.

     Dan:  What's his name?

     Me: I think it's Dave.

The same goes for kids names, and places that people come from.

Oh she is way too nice to be from Florida... Minnesota seems like a better fit.

    Dan: Where was she from?
   
    Me: Minnesota



2. Ask for help.

Asking for help is healthy. Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, until it feels like it will crush you, is not. Yes, I can do it myself... but it will make us all a lot happier if sometimes I reach out and ask for help.  With juggling working from home and 2 kids and now a puppy... there are a lot of moments that I could use a little help. So if you get a text from me, requesting the pleasure of your company, it is probably a small cry for help. If I selected you as my life line... consider it the ultimate honor in trust and friendship.

3. Talk to other people

Is there some kind of class everyone takes when they are pregnant so they all know each other and each others kids? I drop Kenzie at dance class, and all the other parents talk amongst themselves like they are best friends. It's a mix of Moms and Dads that I am guessing are stay at home parents since her class is at 11:15 on a weekday. So how did they find each other?  Where is this network I can join? Do I even want to join? I am busy trying to squeeze in 45 solid minutes of uninterrupted work, but I can't help feel a little envious of their relaxed, social manner.

The only sentence I have muttered since her first class 6 weeks ago was...

     shrieking coming from the room... all the parents stand to peak in the window of the door, hoping it's not their daughter

      Me: "Oh that's mine... if she isn't screaming I would be worried."

How do these people know each other so well, our kids are only 2!

4.  Live in the moment.

This is so much easier said than done. I spend the majority of my time thinking about the future... What am I going to make for lunch, what is happening this weekend, what my kids need to know before they start school, what college they might attend, how far they might move away from me when they are grown up, and who is going to live with me when I rent that condo in Miami and live out my own version of Golden Girls when I am old?  I am going to miss all these sweet moments, if I don't start living in the moment.

I am well aware that I will be the Sofia of the group.

I have been trying to spend at least 10 minutes of quality alone time with each kid, every day. This means getting on their level and doing whatever it is they are into at the moment. That might be working a puzzle alongside Kenzie, because God forbid I touch any of the puzzle pieces she is working with. Crawling around on the floor after Ketcher, who thinks this is possibly the greatest game of all time. It doesn't seem like a lot of time, since I am home with them all the time, but trust me... 10 minutes of uninterrupted time, with no phones, screens, dogs, or sibling distraction is a major accomplishment. Hopefully we can bump that time up once the youngest and the puppy are a little older.

Well said Cookie, well said.

5.  Be a better person.

Being the parent of young children makes you extremely self-centered. It is just how we survive. If we had to also think about the people outside of our crazy households, we would explode. That said, I really need to take some time and be better. Be a better daughter. Be a better sister. Be a better friend. Be a better example for my kids with regard to people in my life. I know it is a stretch... and I know it won't be easy... but it needs to happen and the sooner the better.

Anything I missed? Have any of these struck a cord with you? Tell me about it.

As always, thank you so much for reading!

Trapped!

A toddler, a baby, and a puppy are stuck in one room all day... no this is not the beginning of a hilarious joke, unless you count the one that has been played on me.

Today the living room and hallway to the children's bedrooms are off limits. We are having the floors redone. How am I going to survive this day with 2 toddlers and a puppy? Well... blog about it, of course.

The day begins at 6:30am... First I have to take the puppy out and then get cleaned up before the workers arrive. We were told they would be here between 7:30 and 8:00am.

7:00am I release the kids from their rooms and it's time for breakfast. I can never get the food into Ketcher's mouth fast enough. He cries while I cook the oatmeal, eggs, bacon, and bagels.

7:30am Dan lets the puppy and Tully down. Breakfast for all. I can't put Kenzie in her high chair, which is blocked by the couch. The puppy bites at her pants, she screams relentlessly.

8:00am I finish carrying toys, clothes, diapers, a small table and chairs upstairs for the days activities. The puppy continues to bite at the kids and they scream and cry. The puppy decides to crawl under the bed and destroy an old unfinished Sudoku book. If it keeps him away from the kids, I don't care.

8:30am Where the hell are these people? I'm glad I woke up 30 minutes early to get ready. Sarcasm font. I had to put the puppy in his crate for 10 minutes of quiet. There is no amount of coffee that can make this morning bearable. Kenzie is coloring with the magic markers that only appear on the special coloring books. Ketcher is using those markers to color the walls and furniture. Thank God for those markers.

8:35am Tully perks his head up. I am assuming they are here. I come downstairs to find them already in the living room discussing what they will be doing. On one hand it's unnerving to find 3 men in your house that didn't knock to come in, on the other hand, if they had knocked the dog would have barked and set off a chain reaction of crying and screaming.

9:00am This past half hour has been quiet. The kids are watching Doc McStuffins, Tully is napping on the bed, the puppy is still in his crate, and I am working. This seems doable... until I release the puppy again.

9:30am The kids need to get dressed and then we have to walk the dogs. Outside is gloomy, cold and still wet from the frozen grass thawing. Ketcher wants to pick up giant rocks and carry them around. That's a broken foot waiting to happen. My lower back is screaming as I am trying to juggle 2 leashes and a 30 lb toddler on my hip. I can't wait for this day to be over. It's only 9:30...

10:30am Finally it's time for some grocery shopping.  My favorite time of day is anytime I am in the car. Kiddos are strapped in, Ketcher is already sleeping and we haven't left our neighborhood yet. Kenzie and I are quietly listening to the music.

11:15am After picking up mail at the post office, we arrive at Target. I get the kids out, set Kenzie's cart on the ground and we head in.

11:16am we are heading back out to the car. Kenzie needs to pee and refuses to do it in the big public potty. I keep diapers and wipes in the car for both kids so I slip one on her. She pees, I take it back off and we are heading back inside. The guy taking his break next to the door looks at me like I'm crazy.

11:45am This is not the fun trip I was expecting. Kenzie is refusing to push her cart. I did find her some Sofia the first dolls on clearance to carry around. She wants to ride in the basket but baby brother is in his rightful spot. She is pissed.

11:55am We made it back out to the car and after I throw some packets of Doc McStuffins fruit snacks at the kids, I tear open the pouch of cookie dough. Nothing has ever tasted better. Ever.

12:05 Lunch at jimmy johns with the kids. We come here so often, as soon as we walk in, the kids grab a bag a chips and go sit down in a booth. I order the food, get my large coke, and join them. Ketch eats half a slim 4, Kenzie finishes a bag of chips. Nutrition at its finest.

12:30 We get home and I have to deal with the puppy. I take him out and then when I bring him back inside he pees on the carpet twice.

1:00 This is typically quiet time, but we can't get to the kids rooms. So we are all stuck together in the bedroom. Luckily the kids quietly watch Sofia the first, for the most part.

Ketcher is over this... and am I.

2:45 Time to get this crew outside. It has stopped raining finally so we set out. Ketcher is in the stroller, Kenzie is sulking 20 feet behind me, and somehow I am managing both dog leashes. We are going at a snails pace but I'm glad to be moving again.

4:30 Ketcher slept the whole walk. He seemed moody that he missed the sights but was happy to eat snacks and play with his sisters toys back in the room. Kenzie is freaking out because Ketcher is playing with his toys. The puppy has had water and is now napping in his crate.

5:00 Time to feed everyone.

6:00 Bath time. The kids are not happy to be in the tub without 50 lbs of toys floating along next to them. They decide to try and end bath time early by splashing water out of the tub and screaming. Jokes on them. I took my hearing aids out and now I'm sitting on the floor reading the latest Time magazine. When they get out, I make them clean the floor with towels.

6:30 I am dying to put the kids to bed but the floor guys are STILL here. Probably because they showed up an hour late. I am laying face down on the bed unable to deal any more. Kenzie is sitting on my back yelling "Giddy up!" and pulling on my ponytail. I have no energy to stop her. Ketcher is chilling on the pillows watching an episode of Sesame Street from 1971. Gordon has mutton chops and Oscar is orange. I don't think I will make it to 7.

6:40 Dan comes home and muster the energy to stay coherent for another 20 minutes.

7:00pm I don't care if the floor guys are here or not - they weren't -  I am done. I toss the kids into their bedrooms with waters and a goodnight hug and kiss. No books, stories or songs tonight. I run to the cupboard and pull out the biggest wine glass I have. It is no where near the size I need it to be.

Hello Fresh = hello explosion of deliciousness

The only way to put all the details about my experience with Hello Fresh is in a blog format. Here it goes...

Note: If you are thinking about ordering, and want a discount, please use this referral code: 2DSWNR

A little about my Hello Fresh order:

I bought the "classic" box for 2 which is 3 meals worth of food for 2 people. $69/week but I received $40 off my first box. Let me do the math for you: $11.50 per person per meal (at full price). Honestly, I buy a lot of food and it goes to waste. I am not a great cook, so I need help. This meal tasted like something I would order at an expensive restaurant.

Even if we had tacos, a simple, cheap meal... we are talking $7 for 1 lb of hormone free beef, $1.50 hard shell tacos, $3.50 soft shell taco boats, $2 shredded lettuce, $2 tomatoes, plus cheese, sour cream, salsa, and taco sauce. That's a minimum of $8 per person just for tacos. Colorado food is considerably more expensive than other states we have lived in, so if you live elsewhere it probably wouldn't cost this much.

This cost is offset by not having to grocery shop for obscure ingredients or take the time to search for meals and read reviews. My time is definitely worth $11.50 a meal.

**Note: they have packages for families of 4 and vegetarian packages as well.

So yesterday a giant box of food was delivered to my door. The meat was on bottom surrounded by ice packs. The remaining ingredients were separated into 3 boxes of food, clearly labeled with the title of the meal, along with calorie information.

Tonight I began to cook at 7:10, after putting the kiddos to bed and pouring a medium... or maybe large, glass of cabernet. Tonight's meal is Italian Meatloaf with green beans and potatoes.

All the ingredients measured for this recipe.

It took me 15 minutes to cut up all the ingredients and preheat the oven.

 

The next step was to soak the bread in water and the beef stock. Tully decided he was ready to try Hello Fresh too...

It really did smell awesome at this point.

Next, combine ingredients and make the Italian Meatloaf.

 

The recipe called for 20 mins at 400. Unfortunately due to the altitude here (9100 feet) I had to cook the meatloaf an extra 10 minutes.

 

 

While that was cooking I boiled the potatoes which took 30 minutes, 15 longer than the recipe called for.

 

 

By the time the potatoes were done I didn't even care about mashing them. I combined the remaining ingredients and mixed them with the drained potatoes. Delicious!

 

I will be making this again, with or without, their shipped ingredients. It was seriously amazing and SO easy. It was the perfect amount for 2 people with no leftovers. When my kids get a little older, and less picky, I will be upgrading to the family pack.

If you are thinking about ordering, please use this referral code: 2DSWNR
It will get you $40 off your order and I have a chance to receive a discount off my future order.

Thanks for reading!

 

You have a problem with "princess"?

To the mother that posted on scarymommy about how we shouldn't be calling our daughters princesses...

First of all, man are you angry! Who cares if people call their daughters "princess"? Your eye rolling at the mom who called her daughter "princess" at Target was uncalled for, and unnecessary. Stop judging other mothers. You have no idea what is going on in her life.

Do you really think calling a girl "princess" will make her grow up entitled and selfish? I am pretty sure that takes some serious indulging and lack of punishment. It sure as hell isn't because the word "is loaded with meaning."

Although I am not calling my daughter "princess" as a nickname, I do use it to my advantage. I ask her, when she tries knocking down her brother: "Is that how a princess acts toward others?" If she get's too rough with the dog, I remind her that princesses are kind to all animals.

She takes princess lessons seriously.

Our adult world is not magical, it can be ruthless and callous. The years our daughters want to be a princess are so short, and I (and without question, Grandma) will indulge Kenzie with a wardrobe full of lace and frills and satin. Complete with heeled shoes, tiaras, and big gaudy jewelry.

If you knew my daughter, you would know that she loves to wear these wonderful costumes while skate boarding, biking and snowboarding. She doesn't let the word "princess," or the fact that there are no snowboarding princesses, hold her back. She is making her own style of princess, and I think Disney would be proud.

Does that mean that she can't do her chores? Snow white, Cinderella, and Aurora (sleeping beauty) all were shown doing chores while growing up. This made them kind, gentle, and gave them really good practice at singing.

Cleaning her spot after dinner.

Does indulging the inner princess bring about little entitled diva's? It could, but only if you allow that kind of behavior.

She has to sit in a time out and watch the bubbles.

I grew up obsessed with Disney princesses. My neighbors and I would act out Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty with our Barbies. When I was 9, the holy grail of Disney movies came out: The Little Mermaid. (To a 9 year old, this was the be-all end-all of princess movies.)  I knew there was nothing in this world I wanted more than to be a mermaid. My neighbors and I would act out every scene, sing every word, we even tried to write the piano music to all the songs.

I would say that as an adult I don't have delusional thoughts about magical kingdoms, princes, and some fairy tale ending that leaves me feeling depressed. In fact, I would say I have a pretty healthy attitude about reality, hope, and fantasy. I can't even describe how I feel when I watch her, watch a classic Disney movie for the first time. To see her smile and squeal when a song comes on she already knows. To see her dance and sing along with me while we play a certain song over and over until we fall down laughing. To sing songs and act out parts of the movie she loves the best. Of course I am always the villain now, which suits me pretty well since becoming a parent.

Belle "shopping" with her Cinderellas.

If my daughter turns into a spoiled, self indulgent adult one day, I won't blame it on the word "princess". It will certainly be my fault, for not teaching her about kindness and helping others. So the next time you want to be pissed off, go watch a Disney movie and lighten the hell up.

Follow our Kenzie on instagram @instaprincessdiaries.



Seriously? How can you roll your eyes at that?

Paranoid? Or cautious?

Growing up in the era of America's Most Wanted, Unsolved Mysteries, Law and Order, and Crime Stoppers, I was taught to be on guard at any moment. Each face in the grocery store was possibly a criminal still on the loose. Was I paranoid? Or just being cautious?

This has followed me into my adult years.

One dark winter evening a few years ago, I pulled into a very busy grocery store parking lot. I had to park very far away from the doors, and earlier that day I had fallen down the stairs and twisted my ankle. I was limping pretty bad, but I needed a few ingredients for dinner that night.

I got out of the car, and as I was limping toward the doors, I noticed a man walking toward me. He started asking me if I could give him money for gas. I said "No!" a little too loud and shuffled as quickly as I could to the drive leading up to the store.

If only they just looked like a typical hoodlum.

I knew he was watching me hobble away.

Inside the store I figured I had better get a plan together. He knew where I parked. The lot was full, so it would have been easy to hide. He knew I was injured. If he wanted to attack or steal my purse, I would have been an easy target.

Along with my grocery items, I bought a set of knives that could easily be opened without scissors. As soon as I left the store I stood out front opening the set. I held the biggest one blatantly in my hand as I walked back to my car in the dark.

Sure, I looked crazy, but I will not go down because of stupidity.

When we moved to our small mountain community I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. People leave things open around here: Cars, garages, doors... My neighbor comes over and tells me if my dog gets out of my yard. My other neighbor told me she is a busy body that watches the neighborhood from her second story condo. He seemed annoyed, but I was grateful.

On Sunday, Dan granted me 3 exquisite hours of solo alone time. I needed to run some errands and do some shopping before our upcoming trip.

As I headed to Target, I noticed a big white truck riding pretty close behind. Close enough for me to worry when I hit my brakes extra hard approaching a yellow light. As I approached the next stop light, yellow again, I went through it and watched it change to red. The white truck, following ever closer, was still on my ass. There was no mistake that he ran the red light.

I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, making me pay attention. I veered over to make a left into Target and he was right behind me.

I turned quickly, while he waited for cars to go by. Our target parking lot is split into 2 different areas. I pulled into a spot and waited to see what he would do. Sure enough, he pulled into a space close to mine, and I sped off to the other end of the empty lot. I sat there waiting to see what he would do. He got out of his truck and watched mine.

With my heart racing, I left target. I circled back around and parked in the other lot, far from view of the white truck. I spent a long time perusing the isles and an additional 15 minutes just reading greeting cards. All the while, watching the people around me. I didn't see him again.

I don't know what would have happened, had I not noticed him, maybe it would have been innocent. However, I will never ignore my internal warning system, because crazy is everywhere. Even a small mountain community. Maybe even more so...

http://www.summitdaily.com/news/12041459-113/vanmatre-victim-according-mountain

Do you have any stories about that "feeling" that something isn't right? Did you protect yourself, or ignore it?

Hello, I'm here.

It's been a long time since I have written. Writing feeds my soul, and it is starting to starve without it.

Since it has been months since I have actually attempted to write anything with feeling, I'm not quite sure where to begin.

First of all, being a work-from-home parent of a 1 year old and a 2 1/2 year old, is as you would expect. It's like being trapped on a sinking ship, trying to blow up a life preserver that has a hole in it. Sometimes it appears that the ships hole has been patched and we are sailing to the shore... and just as I can see land it starts to sink again. Trying to blow up that broken life preserver leaves me exhausted and out of breath.

Work has tripled in the past few months. I'm not complaining, it has just caused me a few premature wrinkles and about 2-3 hours less sleep at night. I'm managing. The good news is that I feel really great about my accounting business, but I could kick my own ass, for taking that extra job at Dan's office back in January. I took it because I wanted a day away from the house, but after a month they gave my dusty desk to someone that actually shows up every day, and I was banished back to my home.

No bother, I have plenty of extra time now that Ketcher is mobile. His favorite places to play are in the pots and pans cupboard, and in his sister's bedroom. It's so easy to work when both kids are banging their hearts out to something that sounds like John C Riley at the end of Stepbrothers. (starts at 3:14)



With Ketcher's mobility, comes Kenzie's hyper awareness that her brother is all up in her business. Every toy is a battle. Every snack is something to hoard. Every bath frays my nerves. She is ready to spring at any moment. Even the hugs look more like wrestling moves from WWF... er, WWE is it now?  Anyway, you get the idea.

I am going to order one of those referee whistles. I'll let you know how it works out.

I have been combing pinterest and facebook articles trying to come up with some sort of sanity savor. Naps are getting shorter, bedtimes are getting later, and I am trying to salvage a small piece of peace in my day. Then I found it...

The baby still has his two naps per day. Kenzie watches a movie during his first nap and during the second nap she proceeds to either kick the living hell out of the door of her room, or beat on her windows and walls until she feels she has achieved her goal - to make Ketcher wake up and cry.

Leave the door open you say? Oh... that's cute.

Anyway, this afternoon nap is a critical time in my day for conference calls, damage control, and other work related items that need my full attention.

I was lazily reading through my facebook parenting websites, at 5am one morning, and I found this gem...



http://www.cuttingtinybites.com/2015/05/guide-to-quiet-time-boxes.html

These boxes serve 2 purposes: 1. Aiding in Kenzie falling asleep at 7pm. 2. Keeping her arms and legs from making noise during nap time.

If Kenzie does take a nap, she usually stays up in her room until around 9pm. That's a lot of noise, and a long time for her to be messing around. So out with the nap, and in with "quiet time".

I made 15 boxes to rotate over the next few months. Each box has a book, at least one puzzle, blocks or another building set, and a variety of toys that never really get played with on a daily basis.

These only took a few hours to make - due to
the kids removing each toy as I placed it in the box.

I also went to the library and checked out 2 CDs worth of stories to play while she is in her room. Be warned: the fairy tales and fables are actually freaky and quite dark.  Nothing like a little Rumplestiltskin to scare kids into behaving.

Yesterday was the first day. I put her in her room, with the drapes open enough to shine some light in. I opened the box of toys and made a big deal of how awesome it all was. I pushed play and left. I went upstairs to watch it unfold on the monitor while I did some work.

Not one sound came from her room the whole time. She happily built a tower, played with the puzzles, looked through the books, and generally seems quite content.

She was a little over tired by the time 7pm came. I was trying to get her calmed down and in bed by reading and made this mistake:

Me: "It's time for bed. Do you want to read or are you going to screw around?"
Kenzie: "Oh, screw around."
- at least she's honest.

So, we counted the stars and I left the room, fully expecting her to jump up and start kicking the door. No kicks ever came. She fell asleep instantly and slept until a little after 7am.

The battle has been won...

Now it's the end of the day. I have mastered being an awesome parent today, which has left me nearly comatose on the floor. I can feel my phone vibrating. I have 67 emails that came in between 3pm and 7pm and all of them are urgent. I peel my face off the carpet, and brush the dog hair off  - I really need to vacuum -  I haul myself up to my room to work until midnight.

Tomorrow, it starts again...

Do you have any ideas for gaining a few moments of peace throughout the day? I need all the ideas I can get!

Thanks for reading!
-Amanda

20 Childhood Foods from the 80s/90s

If you grew up in the suburbs in the 80s/90s, Goldbergs is a must watch. 25 minutes of remembering what life was like before work, kids, and responsibilities. It was a time we didn't need to work out, we didn't care if our jeans were tight. We ate quickly and rushed out of the house to play "bloody murder" with all the kids in the neighborhood until the street lights came on.

It was a time when we didn't think about "organic" and "local" and checking ingredients on the back of a box. Our moms put on their sensible heels and shoulder pads and went out into the working world while we sat home and fed ourselves. We wouldn't have had it any other way.

Pizza Rolls



Little pockets of fiery heartburn.

Pizza in a tiny bite sized pocket, that is sure to burn your mouth completely. What's the sauce that's in these things? Is there really pepperoni? No one really knows because there doesn't appear to be any recognizable ingredients. The one thing we absolutely know for sure is that you will get raging heartburn 10 minutes after having one if you are older than 25.

 

Ramon Noodles

Maybe you were in high school scarfing these down while watching Animaniacs after school or in college coming home from the bar at 2am, watching a Jay and Silent Bob movie... everyone from the 80s has eaten these. A package of noodles that has zero nutritional value and leaves you starving an hour later, this pantry staple still entices me after all these years because you can't beat $0.30 for a 12 pack.

Bagel Bites

We couldn't get enough pizza in the 80s and with the 90s brought bagel bites! The supreme way to eat pizza while watching late night TV. If you were lucky enough to have the cheese and pepperoni stay on top of the bagel, then you only had to wait 45 minutes for them to cool off so you could take a bite without burning your mouth to the point of blistering. Good times...

Tiny Cereal Boxes

Did you know you could make your own bowl out of them?

When my mom came home from the grocery with these tiny boxes of sugary goodness, I couldn't wait to turn one into a bowl and eat and some breakfast. Except that box of Honey Smacks... nasty.

Hostess Desserts

Nothing says dessert like a twinkie, or a ho-ho, or a cupcake, or a fruit pie. Nothing was better than peeling the chocolate coating off the ho-ho, eating it, and then savoring the cake swirl inside. Mmm...

Tato Skins

Chips are delicious but nothing says healthy like Tato Skins. These hard, salty and disgusting little chips made every parent feel little better about feeding their kid chips.

Funyuns

I could eat a bag of these right now.

A bag of fried onions, sort of. If you were ever friends with me in my childhood, you know how much I loved Funyuns. Sure they tear up the roof of your mouth and you smell like a foot hours after eating them, but they were worth it. 

Bugles

These were much more fun to wear on our fingers than actually eat. The taste was more dusty than tasty... Gag me with a spoon.

Fake Fruit

There was Fruit Rollups, Fruit by the Foot, Fruit Wrinkles, Fruit Gushers, and Shark Bites. They came in everything from Garfield, to Ghostbusters, to Ninja Turtles. No sense in buying real fruit when you could just hand out tiny packs of sugar instead.

Chef Boyardee

Scalding hot on the outside, icy on the inside.

I can't limit this to just one product. There was spaghettios, spaghettios with meatballs, ravioli. Then there were smurfs, dinosaurs, pac-man, teenage mutant ninja turtles and tic-tac-toe. Then to top it off they came out with the mini cups... What can't this chubby chef do?

Squeeze-It's

It's a good day when you pop open your He-Man or She-Ra
lunch box and see one of these.

Let's wash down all this sodium rich goodness with a lot of sugar in a really nasty tasting plastic bottle. It's the ultimate BPA packed drink. The taste = subpar, the thirst quench = zero, the fun bottle that made you feel cool = priceless!

Tab or Faygo

Cream soda is heaven in a bottle.

Sure Tab was a huge 80s drink, but in my part of the world there was only one brand of soda to drink and it was Faygo. Orange, grape, redpop, moon mist, cream soda, root beer, cola and so much more.

 

Hi-C juice boxes

Some of the rich kids had Capri-Sun, the rest of us had Hi-C and it was AWESOME. Especially the ecto-cooler flavor which tasted like... well I have no idea, but I'm sure it was tubular.

Kool-Aid

My life wouldn't have been complete without a full jug of Kool-aid in the fridge, and 100 packets of powder in the pantry. I don't know a house that didn't have Kool-aid in hand, all the time in the summer. There's nothing like a giant purple stain surrounding your whole mouth in every single picture from your childhood.

Happy Meals

Remember these transformers? Micky Ds food that
converts into play figures. Double win!

Nothing says a happy child like a happy meal. We didn't want them for the food, we wanted the toys! Of course 80s happy meals consisted of a box you could make into a tiny house or castle, cookies, chocolate milk or soda, gnarly chicken nuggets and a selection of sauces that were tossed for plain old ketchup. Man, to be a kid again...

Let's not forget about the other drive-thru knock off happy meals. My favorite was Arby's because I actually liked their food, but their toys were definitely subpar.

Gum

Why were these squares so giant?
No one needs to chew that much gum at once.

 

We had the BEST gum! Ouch gum that was in the shape of a bandaid, Bubbleyum, Bubble Jug, Doublemint, bubble tape, big chew, and bubblicious which blew the most gigantic bubbles that would get stuck all over your hair and face. Everyone loved gum, like, no duh!

 

Blow Pops!

 

There's gum and then there's gum with sharp bits of sucker all stuck into it. Finding a blow pop in your lunch box was the ultimate in parental lunch packing.

Sour Candy

You only ate these for shock value. Thinking about them made your mouth water, didn't it? I loved anything sour: Tear Jerkers, Cry Baby's, DinaSour Eggs, and the weakest of them all - Sour Patch Kids.

Nuts & Bolts



One final shout out to my favorite 80s food of all time, homemade Chex Mix. In my house it was called Nuts & Bolts and it wasn't made with peanuts or chocolate. It was rad goodness in a crunchy, salty bowl.  I learned how to make this for my kids because sometimes, nostalgia tastes better than healthy.

Share if you want to send some childhood nostalgia to someone in need. Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: I may have missed some of your favorite 80s/90s food, please remind me and my readers what it was by commenting on facebook or below!

Transformation Tuesday... er... Wednesday

It's almost the end of the 1st quarter of 2015. Have you stuck to your New Years resolution? Have you changed for the better since 2014?

Time to celebrate the good changes since 2014.

Good vibes!

The goal was set, it was achieved, now bring on the good vibes. Dan and I must both be radiating some good ones, because after 2+ years of trying to find some close friends, we have managed to find a small group of like minded young professionals to tear up the town with. Date nights are 10x more fun when you have people to laugh with. We even had a BBQ to celebrate the amazing weather on Saturday and people didn't leave our house until 1am. It was a blast and I can't wait to do it again!

I'm not going stir crazy anymore. Yes we just got another 6 inches of snow last night, but I am getting out of the house on a consistent basis. We go on date night once a week, no matter what. I go out for drinks with friends every other week. I am taking the kids to the pool, alone, which before was a suicide mission, but I am strong enough now to carry a 20 lb baby + 15 lb car seat, a 10 lb bag of supplies, and a 28 lb toddler out of the pool area when she starts having a tantrum. 6 months ago, I would have never even considered it.

Cheers to looking and feeling amazing!

I am 2 months into the Body Beast program and things are still changing for the better. I have transformed my body into the best shape it's ever been with the help of P90X to lose weight and Body Beast to gain lots of lean muscle mass. At this point it is really just fine tuning and getting stronger. I wish I could wow you like I did a few months ago, but now this is just how I look. Badass!

That before pic will always make me cringe.
 

Huge accomplishment is in the last picture which was taken this morning, I had just finished my workout. The accomplishment is that I have a terrible cold and a sore throat but I STILL worked out. Yesterday I felt even worse but still did Bulk Legs, which is pretty much the most grueling workout ever.

I feel like I am eating healthier. Not as much processed food like frozen meals, but I am eating a lot of bagels with vegan butter spread. I think gaining muscle makes you hungrier for carbs. Dan really wanted to eat healthy for his last month of Body Beast so we are eating dinners that consist primarily of meat and veggies, with maybe a slice or two of crusty bread or corn bread.

My after workout (or sometimes during workout) drink is about 16 oz of water with 2 scoops of recovery drink and a teaspoon of creatine. Then I slam a protein shake immediately after. I added creatine after reading an article about creatine and sleep deprivation. It was specifically talking about the benefits to women after having children. Dan was already taking it, so I added it to my drink. It hasn't made me gain huge mass, or an excessive amount of water weight, but I feel like my arms and legs are definitely more defined and I get a great pump during my workout.

In case you wanted to know the brands I use.

The Mandy Project continues...

The second round of botox not only took 10 years off my face, it brought be right back into puberty when I had pimples all over my forehead. I haven't had a pimple in years. Plus this time it hurt a lot more. It wasn't just me either... 2 other people said it was more painful. I was looking to find something to help the wrinkles that botox couldn't fix anyway, so the search started for a new facial routine.

You can only see 1 pimple in this pic, but there are
 3 more the camera didn't pick up.

Since I will be 35 this year and I didn't even wash my face before bed until now. I wanted the best of the best, so I decided on the Nerium line of night & day cream. The added bonus is that I also bought the Firm cream to use on my stomach to tighten the skin from my pregnancies and subsequent weight loss. So far so good! Before and afters coming soon...

These are not my before and afters but they were my inspiration for trying the product:

This is not me, but if it can do this for her,
then firming me up should be a snap.

I really need to find a self tanner that works. I am trying out different brands and will share my knowledge with anyone that wants to look brown without gaining wrinkles. So far I have tried 4 brands, 2 more and my write up will be complete.

I put self tanner on one side. Can you tell?
I need better lighting.

I have lots more transformation Tuesday posts to come, it just takes a while when before and after pics are involved. If you have any suggestions or ideas, please share! Thanks for reading!

This post contains affiliate links, because if you're going to buy a product, why not buy it from me?