The long drive to realization.

The last 4 months have been life changing for me. I'm not just talking about getting back into shape. I have been on  mental journey to find myself as a person again. I lost the person I was and solely became a mom, but I am still me damn it!

Between taking care of 2 little ones and working, some weeks more than 40 hours, I don't have a lot of time to sit and think. The only time I can really get introspective about myself is when I am driving alone. Unfortunately (or fortunately) everything is about 10 minutes from my house which is not enough time to get into the deep stuff.

When I decided to go to my company Christmas party alone, because we couldn't get a babysitter, it was the first 2 hours I had alone with myself since... well I couldn't think of the last time that happened. I was so tense from being cooped up for too long.

The commute to the Springs was 2 blissful hours singing to MY music, dancing in my seat, and getting over-the-top excited for dinner with my old co-workers and then a night out with my friends. After 2 glasses of wine, a shot, a few mixed drinks, and realizing that I really don't belong downtown after 10pm, I passed out around 4am. Of course the next day when I drove home, I spent the entire 2 hours trying not to vomit because I was so hung over. Not my best move.

A month later was our company annual meeting. Again on the drive down I sang and chair danced and enjoyed my ride, but I also had time to think about why I was so happy to be leaving. It wasn't until the drive home the next day that things started to get heavy.

My presentation was over, and the day was done. I started the car and turned on the 90s station. As I listened to the nostalgia from my teen years, I started to panic.

I had just been at work all day. I missed it. I missed the camaraderie, the intelligent banter, and talking to people that could talk back in complete sentences. I didn't have to say "stop" or "no" or "be gentle" or any of the other 100 phrases I repeat every hour of every day.

Somewhere along I-25, I realized what I was going home to: Long days of cleaning and feeding, and trying to squeeze work into a moment of silence that feels like 10 seconds. I was coming home to cleaning up pee from the floor (dogs), changing poopy diapers (kids), and trying to put clothes on a wiggly octopus (octopus, obviously). Having conversations about princesses, Frozen and the Muppets. Answering the question: "Where's daddy?" A thousand, no, maybe a million times a day. Wiping noses and tears off cheeks. Trying to find food that a toddler will eat, or as I like to call it: Pandora's box.

It felt like I was driving back to a prison. I started to feel hot, I rolled down the windows to a balmy 50 degrees in Denver. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I had a lump in my throat.  I sank in my seat and tried to let the music soothe me to a happier time. It didn't.

I got home just before the kids went to bed. I figured as soon as I saw them, all thoughts would be extinguished, and life would go on as usual. When I walked in the door, I was greeted in toddler style with a "MOMMMMYYYY" and the best hug in the world. Then the baby's smile and squeal as I snatched him up and squeezed him. It was a great moment.

As I went to bed that night, the moment had faded and I was left with my thoughts. I stared at the ceiling and felt my eyes sting with tears. I couldn't sleep worrying that I wouldn't be able to shake these feelings of unhappiness. A few days later I had to get out. It was breakfast, and I told Dan that as soon as the baby was down for his nap, I was going to take a shower and go to target. He told me. "No, after the baby goes down, workout, and then we will all go to Target together."

"No." I said, "I will be going out without you or the kids." I thought about how many times I had been out this month alone. Aside from my 1 day work trip... none.

As I slowly pushed the cart through the clothing isles I saw T-Shirts I swear I owned in 1995. Same styles, same bands on the front, same colors. I looked around and realized the mid-90s clothing fashion is back. I smiled and shook my head.

Add some flannel and overalls and here is target's line of clothing.

When I got into the car after an exquisite hour of shopping alone I turned back on 90s music. As I entered the highway, I realized that my teen self and I are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time, 20 years apart. We are both searching for our independence.

20 years ago in January of 1995, I was 14 years old. I was awkward, lonely, and sad. My wounds from Junior High were still so fresh. I was trying to find a place in school, in life really, that I could be myself, but I didn't know who I was yet. I was hurting to be independent, as all teenagers are.

As I have been working through my Mandy Project, there has still been a piece missing that I couldn't put my finger on. Some small unhappiness, that nags at me in the middle of the night. I need to find my independence again. I need to find myself away from all of my other daily roles.

In my usual fashion, I went right to work on it. I found a contracting job where I can either work from home, or go into the office 1-2 days a week, when Dan can watch the kids. It is an opportunity for me to be me. Yes, it's work, and I am sure I have boggled the minds of some of my readers, that would give anything to NOT have to work. For me the workplace is where I feel intelligent, confident, and happy.  Although I have never stopped working, I need a space outside of the home to get things done. A space without having to take care of laundry, dishes, food prep, diapers, noses, baths, dogs, toys, boo-boos, and bills.

It's been a little over a month since that fateful day in January. I made the commute to Colorado Springs yesterday, there and back, my 4 hour trip in sketchy weather. I had plenty of time to think.

Not only have I found a place to go and work when needed, but I have found some friends here to grab a Moscow mule with from time to time, and Dan and I decided that a weekly date night is worth more than the cost of a babysitter.

I know I am a better parent now that I have a little more freedom. I don't take my time with the kids for granted. I don't get as stressed out. I laugh more. I smile more. I say "I love you" so much more. Isn't that what it's all about?

Note: I wrote most of this back in January right after I realized what it was that I was missing. I am glad I can go back and update with good news before posting. Those years when our kids are little are short, happy, and exciting, but very isolating. I hope that all of you have found your perfect balance between home life and life away from home.

The Mandy Project: 90 Day Before and Afters

I know this is sadly overdue.  I have been trying to get this blog post posted for about 10 days but work and family come first, so without further ado...

I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, I not only did it, I f***ing KILLED IT!

If you haven't been following the blog these past 3 months, click this link to see the journey from beginning to end.

I am about to break all the rules our founding puritan mothers put forth - I. Look. Ah-may-zing!!! Seriously, I can't fit my head through the door these days, I am so conceited. However, I earned every right to gloat about myself because I worked HARD!

I will save the text for the end because I know you probably just want to see the pics.

See the results for yourself.
Side note: I could not find a time at night to take my pics, so the lighting is definitely different in the last set. It also makes me look pasty white, so my apologies to your eyes.



For sarcastic comments see my previous posts on the makeover. 

 

There is no point in posting measurements or weight, because the proof is in the pictures.

What have I learned?

• I do have time to workout every day, even though I have a baby, toddler, household, a job and run my own business, with a singular employee... me.
• It's okay to put myself first for an hour or two a day. This doesn't mean neglecting my family, it just means that I don't HAVE to entertain them during that time. My toddler has learned to entertain herself, or join in on the fun during my workouts.
• It takes a combo of weight training, cardio, and not gorging yourself on crappy food.
• Cardio, which I hate, does melt fat but it's only a small portion of the overall plan.
• Weight training gets you the body you want. You have saggy arms? Belly? Butt? You HAVE to weight train. Plus weight training builds muscle, muscle burns calories at rest... so if you weight train you will melt even more fat while watching your favorite shows before bed.
• We all know we should eat healthy. I ate moderately well, and often, with an emphasis on protein and cutting out cheese. I do not limit my carb intake other than to make sure I don't stuff myself on bread. I also eat at home 98% of the time because taking my children to a restaurant is social suicide right now. 
• What I did do is work hard during every workout and made sure I only had 1 rest day per week. If you are going to do it - DO IT!

 What have I gained?

• Energy. There is no end to my energy these days. Which is good because I have a FULL plate. Life is good and aside from the random moment of overwhelming stress, I have changed my outlook and attitude.
• Self-esteem. I have never, ever, felt better about myself than right now, in this moment. This is coming from a Mother of 2 that will be 35 years old this year.
• Health. There have been illnesses in the house, but I haven't caught a single one!

What have I lost?

• Fat.
• Post-baby flabby belly.
• Wrinkles.
• Brown hair.
• Pasty, winter-white skin.
• The feeling of being so tired I could slip into a coma.
• Back pain.
• My standard Mom wardrobe of plain T-shirts and yoga pants.

Workouts during the last 30 days:
I did get incredibly bored with P90X. The first 60 days were great because the workouts changed, but the last 30 is just redoing everything you have already learned. I decided to swap out the weight routines and do the Body Beast weight routines instead. This program is specifically for building muscle. So instead of doing 3 weight days, 2 cardio days, and 1 yoga day, I did 4 weight days, and 2 cardio days. No yoga: I. Hate. Yoga. I used P90X plyometrics and kenpo x for cardio.

Nutrition during the last 30 days:
I really wanted to do something that would make these last pictures amazing, however, I didn't really do anything different. The only thing I added was to slam a protein shake right after my workout, in addition to the recovery drink. This did help stop the mindless eating I do after a workout because I am starving. Aside from that, breakfast, lunch and dinner remained the same as before.

My final thoughts:

This has been the best thing I have done for myself in almost 10 years. There is no way I could have made it through this past month, with my sanity in tact, without the energy I have gained from these workouts. I haven't been sick since October, right before I started the program.

Dan and I have been encouraging each other to work towards our fitness goals. We have changed our loft into a gym and we make sure each of us has time to complete our workouts. We have even hired a weekly babysitter so we can go on date night once a week. There are so many other good things that have emerged from this project, I had no idea when I started I would be this happy at the end.

There is nothing more rewarding than modeling healthy habits and body image for my kids. I am never negative about myself. I don't stare into the mirror and point out things that need to change. The kids see us workout hard, eat healthy, and encourage each other to be the best we can be. They see me moving heavy furniture, and hanging big pictures high up on the wall. There is nothing their Mom can't do.

What now? Well, I am going to continue on with Body Beast weights and P90X cardio hybrid and just enjoy the results and feeling great. As the spring fruits and veggies emerge in the super market I might be encouraged to switch up my eating habits. I might do a cleanse to see if I can get that six pack to show up. I don't know. Whatever I do, if I get results I will share.

Thank you all for your encouragement and sharing your projects with me. There were certainly times I was ready to skip workouts for the week, but knowing that we were in this together kept me going. Please share your projects with me by private message, facebook, or leave a comment here.