Another Year Another Lesson

Happy belated birthday Libras!

I am a few weeks post-birthday but better late than never. This year has been a tough one. With another year in the books, comes another life lesson. 

37 is shaping up nicely, a far cry from 36 which came only 3 weeks after my dad passed away suddenly. "Suddenly" is an important word to add here. "Suddenly" is not just painful, it leaves you completely bewildered. The weeks after are very foggy. I remember coming back to Colorado to a half packed up house. I just wanted to lay down and sleep for a few years. Just until the pain went away and I could feel normal again. Life doesn't give a damn if you are in pain, it just keeps on moving anyway.

Just like this... 

Two weeks later we headed from the mountains to the front range to await our next move to Seattle. I remember the joy of being busy. Unpacking, cleaning, rearranging, ignoring my feelings, making plans with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. My friends in Colorado Springs were ready to embrace me with open arms and wipe my tears away... but I didn't show them any. 

Nope, crying is for the weak. I am too strong for such nonsense.  I would pencil in some time once a week or so to write and let out my feelings. Just enough time to process a piece of it, but not enough to fall apart. Autumn turned into winter and winter melted into spring and I became a raging workaholic. No social life, no time, no feels. I was working, packing, parenting, or rage cleaning... aka trying to control something when life seems uncontrollable.

Hard work is good for the soul, teach 'em young.

In May it was time for "The Big" move. This time frame gets really hazy. There was so much worry, so much anxiety, so many things went wrong, so much money wasted. Once the dust settled we were here in Seattle. Dan started his Endo program and it was just the kids and I. Enough work to keep me busy but not enough to suffocate my thoughts. 

I was dreading Seattle but everything happens for a reason. Those summer days at Lake Washington, with the kids (with limited internet), left me plenty of time to think, to feel, and to allow time to dissect the aftermath of it all. 

The kiddos at Lake Washington.

Kids have an interesting way of dealing with life events. My son spent every day for three weeks, after we got here, packing all of his sister's doll house furniture into his large green semi-truck and driving around the house. He did this: Every. Single. Day. It was his way of processing the mess of moving. 

Moving day or Groundhog Day?

Alternatively, my daughter spent every waking minute never leaving my side. When Dan was around she hung on his neck, arm, or leg. She can still be seen almost always having one hand on us to make sure we don't pack up and move without her.

This year had an unhealthy amount of life changing events. Since I can't change what happened, and it serves no purpose to dwell on "why," I spent the summer processing my reactions to these events. 

Why would anyone think it isn't acceptable to cry after losing a loved one? 

Why does anger makes you stronger but sadness makes you weak? 

Why try and control things that are uncontrollable? 

Why do I try and change the way the kids are reacting when they are owning their feelings? 

The last one struck a nerve. I am projecting onto them what I don't accept in myself. Carl Jung was the ring leader for accepting your "shadow." He concluded that the only way to fully accept yourself, and others, meant you had to face and accept all of yourself. That includes your worst parts, the parts you try and hide, and the qualities you dislike in others. 

Kids are a blank slate. They don't try and hide anything. In fact they are the masters at overreaction, am I right? They have no life experiences to compare with, so every sadness is the worst thing that could ever happen.  Ever!

A perfect example of this was on the day of the eclipse. I was busy rearranging a closet in the bedroom, and my daughter came to the doorway with red puffy eyes and tears streaming down her cheeks. She had obviously been softly crying for a while. When I asked her what was wrong, she said "I miss Daddy!" and proceeded to sit down and wail. I stood there a moment thinking why on earth is she crying?  He left 2 hours ago for school and he will be back at 5pm. Sigh... the teenage years are going to be hell.  Luckily I was already deep into my quest for knowledge on emotional self care.   (Book list appears at the bottom of this post, because I love getting my nerd on.)

The eclipse was a nice distraction.

I carried her to the couch and gave her a squeeze. I told her I missed Daddy too but he would be home in a few hours. She was welcome to cry if she felt like it. With that, my new parenting style was born. 

I (try to) no longer say things like:

• "stop crying" 
• "you shouldn't be angry" 
• "knock it off" 

Instead I accept their feelings and say things like: 

• "it's okay to feel sad" 
• "it makes sense to be angry about that" 
• "you can feel that way"  

I don't always accept the behavior that comes along with the emotion... so it sounds more like: 

• "It's okay to feel sad, but tone down the scream crying" (if you have girls you know exactly what I'm talking about) 
• "It makes sense to be angry, but we don't hit" 
• "You can feel that way, just pick yourself up off the floor of Target and let's get out of here so you can do that safely at home." 

Better still I've been able to say the same things to myself; instead of withdrawing and rage cleaning. Although rage cleaning will always have it's purpose. I have a healthier view of myself and I can lend an empathetic and supportive ear to my friends that end up crying in a closet after they have been drinking. We all have them, we all love them, we all want them to accept themselves too.

At 37 I am still trying to control the uncontrollable... I like a good challenge... but I am working on embracing those emotions I once suppressed. Maybe one day I will cry at hallmark commercials and newborn babies, but for today I will settle for the happy tears that come when I uncork that bottle of wine and toast my 37th year. Here's to feeling strong, going with the flow, and making the lives better of everyone we meet.  Cheers!

Apothic White... my new favorite!

Thank you for reading friends! Please like, share, message, or comment if this post gave you some feels of your own.

Reading List:

Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford

Romancing the Shadow: A Guide to Soul Work for a Vital, Authentic Life by Connie Zweig & Steven Wolf

The Mindful Child: How to Help Your Kid Manage Stress and Become Happier, Kinder, and More Compassionate by Susan Greenland

Everyday Blessings: The Inner work of Mindful Parenting by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn Hall & Melissa Cook

I Thought It Was Just Me: Making the Journey from "What will people think?" to "I am enough" by Brene Brown

More Books:

The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama & Desmond Tutu

Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg