2019 and the New Location

[DISCLAIMER: HEAVY SARCASM ALERT! Please be aware that this text contains heavy sarcasm which can be confusing to some people. If you are from Ohio please refrain from reading, it may result in headaches and general confusion. If you find yourself becoming disoriented while reading this text please discontinue reading and go back to your buzzfeed quiz.]

This year has been one looooooooong year. No surprise there. Time no longer works in a linear fashion while waiting for the next adventure to begin. Our Seattle journey is coming to a close in 2019 and we are packing up the wagon and hitting the dusty trail to a new location we’ve never been before, but it’s where the dart landed so away we go.

Our wagon doesn't look quite this good.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida was where the first dart was thrown back in the summer of 2004. My future husband, sister-in-law and I left Michigan with nothing but a trunk full of bathing suits and liquor. We drove all day and all night ready to hit the dull sandy beach at sunrise. Slushy alcoholic drinks and flip flops would sustain us until we needed real jobs and Dan started dental school. We were never going to move anywhere snowy and cold ever again! A balmy 90 degrees year round was the life for us. Getting inside that hot black car with leather seats and sweating through your work pants at 7am was all part of the charm.  

Four years and a handful of hurricanes later we decided Florida wasn’t the place for us, so off we went to Colorado Springs, Colorado in the summer of 2008. The front range of those beautiful Rockies was a sight to behold, who would ever get tired of looking at that stunning mountain view? The weather was the perfect mix of sun, seasons, and a little snow. Life couldn’t get better than this! People everywhere would stop and talk to us about what wonderful skiers they were. Man, the confidence here is off the charts! It’s amazing that every person said they were an expert climber, hiker, snowboarder, runner, biker. What can’t these people do?!  Who needs to be humble when they live in Colorado!

That John Denver was full of sh**!

In October 2012, we decided it would be better to be IN the mountains than be near the mountains. We headed to Frisco, Colorado to live in a tiny mountain town and raise our kids like good mountain people do: skiing and snowboarding before they can even walk. If we live in Colorado we have to become experts at everything so mountain emersion is key.  Yes, this is the life for us! It was a Thomas Kincaid work of art every day, from October 1 to May 31, looking at all that fresh white snow piled so high you could walk right over our fence. What a joy it was to have our neighbors ski right up to our porch and chat with us while we were relaxing in the hot tub. Who needs privacy when there’s an HOA that says no fencing or porch enclosures to enhance a “neighborly community,” not us! Searching for our dogs that would escape the yard every week after it dropped 5 feet of snow was certainly a great workout, especially with a baby on your back.  The baby weight from both kids dropped off so fast!

No sarcasm about the amount of snow we had.
That was legit!

Then, sometimes in mid-life we decide we want something better than what we have had. A new adventure awaited us, which by now “us” was a family of 4. In late spring of 2017 we moved to Seattle so Dan could go back to school to specialize. Sure it rains, but it doesn’t snow! The summer is 78 degrees and sunny for 4 months straight. Plus it is the perfect time to become minimalists! Purging all of our stuff to live in a two bedroom apartment is such a freeing experience. How rejuvenating it is to live with nothing!

This is where it’s at! A family of 4 in an 800 sq foot apartment with one bathroom just makes us all feel closer together. ‘No boundaries’ I like to call it! This cozy little shoebox of a home only costs triple what a 3000 sq foot house would cost anywhere else. But the seafood, water and mountains are just what we need. It only took us 45 minutes to get to the seafood restaurant 8 miles away.  We planned ahead so we weren’t completely starving by the time we were seated 35 minutes after we got there, even though we had a reservation. That’s just big city living!

Seattlites shopping downtown a week
before Christmas.

Although… having a yard and garage would be nice, especially for all the hockey equipment we have. Perhaps owning a house that costs a fraction of what we pay in rent would be an investment. Maybe owning two cars again would be handy for all the after-school activities we attend. I could definitely get on board with more than one bathroom…

Let’s get those darts back out.

Hang the map.

Blindfold please.

Done.

In August of 2019 we ride!

Will La Crosse, Wisconsin be our final destination? Will our nomad hearts ever be tamed? To that I say, there’s a lot of world we haven’t lived in yet, so stay tuned.

2019 will be a year of change for all of us. Don’t be afraid.  Embrace the adventure! Trust this: If everything starts to fall apart… all you really need is a trunk full of bathing suits and liquor and you’ll figure it out.

Not our actual trunk of booze but pretty close.

Happy New Year everyone and thank you for reading!

~Amanda

First day of school

The first day of Kindergarten, what an odd emotional task to drop your child off at school for the first time. After 5 1/2 years of being with each other every moment of the day, you would think the feeling of relief would be stronger than the sadness of loosening the strings that bind us. 

Standard first day of school shot.

Some of the thoughts that rush through your head:

• Have I taught her enough to be safe?
• Will the other kids be kind?
• Will she be kind to other kids?
• Will the teacher treat her fairly?
• Will she follow directions?
• Will she be scared? 

Worse than the questions about her first day are questions like these:

• Why didn't I play with her more?
• Will she remember all the days we spent together before school started?
• Why is SHE comforting ME? Aren't I supposed to be the strong one?

I remember a time not so long ago that I was looking at everyone else's 'back-to-school' pictures and feeling envy. I remember being so isolated, in the thick of raising an infant and a toddler, that I was dreaming of the day I would drop my kids off at school and have time to run errands without packing a 10 gallon sack full of diapers, bottles, toys, and snacks. I still wouldn't want to go back to those days, although if anyone has an infant they need me to hold for a few hours I am eager to help out. 

Now that the kids are 4 & 5 they are so fun. They are also still a lot of work, make no mistake about THAT. The needs and wants are endless. Together they are continuously hungry and the moment I sit down their bodies catapult into starvation mode, even if an entire plate of food is sitting in front of them. They can do everything themselves, as long as I am there to clean up the spills and broken pieces. They are so brave, as long as there is a pack of band-aids and healing mommy kisses at the ready.

They talk endlessly. When one stops the other picks up. They ask questions about everything under the sun, and moon, and in outer-space.  They aren't satisfied with a vague answer. They want to read a book about it, or see a picture of it, take it apart and put and it back together to see how it all works. I haven't had a moment of silence in 5.5 years but I've learned more than I could have ever imagined. 

They are best friends and the worst of enemies depending on which way the wind is blowing. They can scream at one another about complete non-sense and then hold hands in the back seat. 

I knew my feelings about dropping Kenzie at school were much stronger than her feelings about leaving us. Every night I would read her 'first-day-of-school' books and by the end of the book I was so choked up I could barely finish. As I was baking cupcakes for Kenzie's 'welcome-home-from-your-first-day-of-school' party - because you know how much I love to throw parties for no particular reason - I started tearing up thinking about how strong and smart and independent she is, and wondering if school is going to change her wild spirit. 

Yesterday in the midst of chaos in her classroom, among parents/grandparents/siblings all attempting to talk their kid into being excited and not scared, being friendly and not shy, letting go and not clinging to their legs, my child was the one that told me to let go. On Facebook I posted this blurb about what happened:

First day of kindergarten. When I bent down to say goodbye she put her arms around my neck and whispered “It’s okay Mama, you’ll be fine without me.” I was so choked up when she pulled away my “I love you” was barely audible. My eyes were so full of tears one blink and they would have spilled over. When she noticed she quickly covered my eyes with her tiny hands and said “maybe you should go now.” 🤦‍♀️😆

She's ready to start the day and get me out of there.

That brown bag is a gift to the parent from the teacher.
Kenzie colored the bag on Kindergarten orientation day.

I know she'll be fine. I know I'll be fine. I know I'll keep telling myself both of those things until they are true. 

Ketcher and I stayed out of the house for most of the day yesterday, maybe because we are used to the chaos, the loudness, the energy that surrounds Kenzie when she enters a room. When we got home it was quiet. Too quiet. Within a couple of hours we were picking her up and it was as it always has been. We threw our little celebration complete with pink bears and cupcakes. Kenzie thanked me profusely for letting her go to school and she can't wait to go again. 

Welcome Home from School Party!

I guess I bought that pink bear for both of us. She hugs it when she's home and I hug it when she's gone. It's silly to be emotional over a first day of kindergarten, but it is the first time I realize that my time with her is so short and one day the drop off will be to a life of her own. 

Ketch and I are sitting at the table quietly this morning. Kenzie was already dropped at school. We are still in a weird state of not knowing what we should do without our ball of energy to guide us. Next year he will be off to kindergarten and I will be running errands with nothing but myself to look after. No kids asking for a bathroom or a snack. No one telling me they are bored after 10 minutes at Target. No one fighting over who gets to ride in the cart. No one to cry when we leave the toy isle, or beg relentlessly for one piece of candy at checkout. Maybe this won't be so bad after all... 

In the meantime, I can't squander my time crying over what will happen 13 years from now. I have to instill in Ketcher a thirst for knowledge and an open mind before I drop him at school next year. I don't know what our future educational plans are for the kids, I might homeschool again when the time is right, they may end up staying in school for good, or maybe doing a hybrid if our future state allows such things. Whatever the future holds, you can bet these two littles will be able to handle it. I just have to figure out how to handle myself.

First unit: The Human Body

Being Invisible

My kids asked me the proverbial question: If you had a superpower, what would it be?

It’s a thought provoking question. I would say power absorption, but I don’t feel like explaining the intricacies of it to two of the most inquisitive children on earth. Flying would be amazing but then you would really need to watch out for weather, bird migration, planes, etc. The most useful superpower in the majority of my life would have been invisibility.

We all need some Super Kids in our lives.

Have you ever attempted to will yourself to be so small you would remain unseen? Most of us can think of a time in childhood we tried to hide away to avoid being punished, or maybe in school when you just wanted to blend in with the crowd, or as an adult trying to avoid an angry boss, and most definitely as a parent when your kid is asking you to watch them jump in the pool for the 457^th time that day.

Some of my youngest memories of wanting to be invisible were from school. I was surely the ugliest child with the longest awkward years of anyone that has ever existed in history. At least that’s my opinion. I look back at those 4^th, 5^th, 6^th, 8^th,  and 9^th grade pictures with disdain. I managed to pull off a decent 7^th grade picture somehow… maybe it was the perm I had just gotten. [Awkward coughing.]

See! I told you.

I was picked on, bullied, back stabbed, fake boy-friended, and every other mean girl thing you can imagine all before I started high school. Luckily it was the 80s/early 90s and I could roam my house all I wanted free of being terrorized, except by phone which was a whole lot different.

<Ring> “Hello?”

“Is this Amanda?”

“Yes”

“Nobody li…” <click>

I am not telling you this because I want an ego stroke, a pity party, or even a hug (although I will never turn that down). These wounds are completely healed. I am dope AF now, probably because these things did happened to me, so suck it bullies!

I am telling you this because this feeling of wanting to be invisible, has kept me from seeing my own dreams, and maybe you have a similar feeling.

Oh wait… did you think I dreamed of going into accounting as a kid? Who the hell has that dream? Accounting was a great way to not have interaction with people, to simply blend into the background of a business. Working from home as an accountant is the icing on a completely tasteless invisible cake.

Once upon a time, I had the biggest dreams of all. I was surely going to be the greatest actress of all time. I would put on “shows” for anyone that would watch, I asked for acting lessons, I sang until my throat was scratchy every day, all day, as loud as I possibly could. You’re welcome neighbors!

In 7^th grade we had our very first play try-out for Alice and Wonderland. How perfect was this?! I had been prepping to be Alice since my next door neighbor and I reenacted every scene in the made-for-TV version of Through the Looking Glass with our Barbies, Rose Petal dolls, and a horde of McDonalds toys. I was going to land the role of Alice!

I didn’t realize that every person in the 7^th and 8^th grade class would be trying out too, or that I was going to get the worst case of the giggles of my life.  I left that audition room with the utmost confidence that I would get the lead role of Alice, despite not reading any of the lines without laughing hysterically. I was absolutely sure that they took one look at me and knew I was star quality.

When the cast list was posted I was crushed. I didn’t even make the list at all. Not even a mushroom, or a tree, or Tweedledum.  I sobbed at school. I sobbed at home. I cried until I couldn’t breathe and then cried some more. See this wasn’t just going to be my breakout moment as an actress, this was going to be my breakout moment from being bullied. I wouldn’t have to hide in the bathroom anymore, I wouldn’t feel like I wanted to blend into the cinderblock walls and move like a ghost unseen.

I firmly decided at 12 years old that I was not going to be the star in my own life, but I would be kickass at best supporting role.

I didn’t try out for theater again until my senior year. By then I had supportive friends that made me feel almost invincible. They were beautiful, talented, and hilarious souls that unknowingly began my healing process. I never landed any starring roles and that was fine by me. I was perfectly content singing in the chorus and that’s exactly where I’ve been choosing to be for the last 20 years.

Blending in and being supportive worked just fine, right up until my first child was born. I was in a brand new town, with a brand new baby, working in a brand new role – exclusively from home. I was a recluse. I was isolated. I was desperate to have contact with other people. I was also snowed in 10 months of the year. I was officially invisible and it was killing me. I started writing this blog as an attempt to step out of that shadow back into the light, one tiny insignificant post at a time. I had no idea what direction it would go in, or if anyone would read it.  At that point, if I only reached a single person, I would no longer be a ghost.

I flip through my blog posts from the past 5 years and they tell an interesting story. At my best, I was turning out 2-3 posts a week. A little humorous, almost all of it about parenting, and it was light. At my worst, I have 100s of posts written but never published. Those writings are darker, deeper, and tucked back in the shadow, never to be shared. At those times I was moving among the shadows again, only stepping into the light out of necessity, terrified of being seen.

I have been sifting through so much emotional baggage in the last two years and I finally came to an epiphany: Since those elementary school days I have never trusted myself. I wasn’t a good judge of character when it came to friends. I deluded myself into thinking that a 7^th grade audition was my make or break moment. I thought being supportive of everyone else would be enough for me.

Being a shadow isn’t enough for anyone. Around my 37^th birthday last year I decided that I was going to take 365 days to step out of the shadow and into the light. The opinions of others have no bearing on my character or my choices. If I wanted to dress up to go out, I did. If I needed to say something to someone, I said it. If a karaoke night was an option, I went for it. I feel stronger, healthier and braver than any other time in my life. With that said… if I feel like writing something, I’m going to share it.   

So, maybe explaining power absorption to a couple of preschool science fanatics would be easier than answering why invisibility would be useful.

I asked them what superpower they would choose and I hope it forever stays:

                “Freezing and unfreezing!” – Ketcher (4yo)

                “Healing people!” – Kenzie (5yo)

It's your turn to think about if you are living as a shadow, or if you are living every moment to it's fullest. I hope you can take a year to test your boundaries and see where it takes you. Don't wait until next year, or your next birthday. Do it right now! 

Heading Home and Hoping for Acceptance

I’m procrastinating. I know I need to pack but haven’t even taken out the luggage yet. I have mixed feelings about visiting Michigan. Of course I am excited to see friends and family. That goes without saying. It’s just... well, it's the only time I really have to confront the fact that I won’t see my Dad again.

I have this really unhealthy coping mechanism of avoidance. Have you been in an uncomfortable situation with me? Have we ever discussed and moved past it? Probably not. I hate that I do that. It’s not healthy. I think ignoring the problem will make it magically disappear, but really it just makes it worse and the relationship is forever damaged. If that happened with us, I’m sorry.

Last night I lay in bed thinking into the wee hours of the morning. No doubt I am running on 3, maybe 4 hours of sleep today. The kids must know it intuitively because they seem to be unusually quiet and happy to play by themselves right now.

I was thinking about those first moments I come back to my childhood home.

We turn the corner and I can see it. I am as excited as the kids on the ride over. We pull into the driveway and I have one last pang of anxiety. Are the kids hungry? Well rested? Will they behave? The family only sees them once a year so I have to make sure they are on their best behavior. Who am I kidding? We just traveled for 8 hours and they ate a bag of nacho flavor Doritos and some nuggets. No one slept on the plane and they have watched so much TV I’m sure their brains are in fight or flight mode. Oh well…

We walk up to the door and no doubt Kenzie will push the doorbell button – a novelty, since we don’t have one – at least 25 times in a row. The familiar squeak of the door opening rings through my ears. The same sound that would alert my parents to sneaking in past curfew.

I still expect to see the same brown shag carpet that I greeted me for 35 years, but my Mom replaced it a few years ago. The kids rush in past the dining table I consumed an obscene amount of Ramon Noodles at, and head right for ‘Grandma’s Toys’. I wish they would just give some hugs and then ask for toys, but history proves the hugs will come later, they are most excited for the toys they haven’t seen in a year but ask about every single time we FaceTime my mom.

I feel relief to see my Mom’s face again. We hug and then I reflexively look down into the family room at my Dad’s empty easy chair and the heartache will creep right back in.  The kids might be arguing about toys but the house will always seem too quiet without his booming voice.  

I make my way around the house. The seven steps upstairs creak as they did 20 years ago.  I go into the bathroom and look at myself. I don’t know what I expect to see but it’s not the person that is looking back at me. This person is so much older. She looks tired. There are more wrinkles on this face than I expected. I toss my hair and tell myself that this mirror is playing tricks on me. I don’t look that old.   

I walk into my childhood bedroom expecting to see the white wall paper with pink and teal splashes, and the stars on my ceiling that light up at night. None of those things are there anymore. I sit on the bed for a second to swallow the lump in my throat and pull myself together. I open the empty closet that used to hold all of Dad's clothes and push the luggage inside. Take one more deep breath and snap myself back to the here and now.

I don’t have my good coping tools in Michigan. I don’t have my favorite healthy salads or my rowing machine. I don’t have Lake Washington or a house I can relentlessly organize. I don’t have my Keurig machine and favorite Green Mountain French Vanilla coffee cups. I don’t have my mom group or my girl’s nights, to help remind me that life exists outside of my head.

Maybe I won’t need any of that. Maybe when I walk in this time I will feel at peace. Maybe it will be the final step to acceptance and I can put all of this anxiety behind me. Maybe it’s exactly what I need because people and places are presented in our lives at a time we need them.

Time to stop avoiding the uncomfortable. Time to see the house for what it is, not what it was. Time to let all of it go and enjoy the time we get there. My kids haven't even seen the playground across the street. They haven't spent hours looking for 4 leaf clovers in the back yard. This trip I will make new memories and give us something to look forward to on the next trip. 

Mother's Day Reboot

As our culture grows and changes, I think Mother’s Day needs a reboot too. Parenting is not something that is done alone. There are so many people along the way that keep us going and teach us to be better mothers. I wanted to write a little something to honor all the women that make me a better mom.

First of all, I want to honor the women that listened to my concerns about kids looooooong before I had kids. Ashlee, Jen, and Michelle who always said I would be a good mom and reminded me that I take care of everyone else, so motherhood would just come naturally. I love you girls!  

To Stacey Jennings, who talked me through my fears about kids when I was pregnant. She gave me the most honest piece of advice I have ever received: “If you have two kids close in age, the first 5 years are hell, after that it’s worth it.” I can honestly say, now that my 5 years of hell is over, she was absolutely right. I am loving every minute now.

The moms of Frisco that were with me at my worst: Aly Anderson, Shae Loomis, Jenny Alford. I struggled so much and was probably not much fun to be around when my two were just an infant and a toddler. Thanks for listening, supporting and not judging me. If it wasn’t for your support I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed some days.

We mothers are usually taking care of everyone else and no one is taking care of us. This is a shout out to the women that remind us that we are better parents when we take care of ourselves first.

To Sarah Hoffman at Health Made Simple (instagram: @SimplyFitSarah) who consistently posts inspiring messages about fitness, nutrition, and life. You are so strong lady and you inspire so many. I need constant reminders to eat healthy or else I have pizza for almost every meal. (seriously)

To Mistie Lyons who is #fitAF and has transformed her body over the last year while managing work, two hilarious boys, and the most elaborate Elf of Shelf scenes I have ever seen. You inspire me to take care of myself and have a sense of humor with my kids.  Please keep on posting!

To the moms that are completely out-numbered by their kids but they still maintain a sense of humor and the power to keep going every day: Andalynn Burgess, Brooke Burl, Katie Hlavka, and Paula Adams. You mamas have strength and stamina that I can’t even imagine. You also probably need a nice long vacation without kids. <hint hint husbands>

To the moms with new babies, you remind me of how cute babies are, and how sleepless the nights were. I love your pictures so much. If you are going through a tough part – don’t worry it gets easier. So hang in there Sarah King, Sarah Bowen, and Nicole Karst! The best is yet to come!

To the Mom’s that are always posting something hilarious to make us all laugh. I’m so glad I follow you two on Facebook: Sarah Ruth & Lisa Liebold-Schulz

To the step moms that love their step kids as their own. I don’t know your struggles but the love you have for those kids is absolutely enough. You are amazing!

To the moms that continue to find time to message and text me. I know that struggle is real and I SOOOOO appreciate getting messages from you. There are too many to mention here but thank you so much. We are sharing our journeys together, no matter the time and distance between us and I love you all!

To my new mom friends in Seattle! It didn’t take long to find my mom tribe here. I am so grateful for you ladies! Amy Hackmann, Adriana Marin & my “dance mom” group: Juli, Kristin & Megan

To the nurse & teacher moms: I don’t even know what to say. You give 1000% every single day and you deserve a raise, vacation and some sort of trophy for being outstanding humans. Kudos: Heather Jeffery Baldwin, Gabi Weston, Nicky Smith and… as I scroll through my Facebook friend list way too many others to mention. You are the real rockstars.  

To the homeschool moms on my Instagram feed. You ladies keep me motivated to not just stay at home with my kids, but to teach them and have fun with it every single day. If you are looking for some great moms to follow please add these to your feed: @simplylearning @thenikeanderson @royalbaloo

Most importantly, to the family that loves us, supports us, prays for us, and never judges us. We are lucky to feel the love so very far away from all of you. There are far too many family members to name but each of you has a special place in our hearts.

Special mention to the mother-in-laws that support us, love us like we are their own kids, and ask for nothing in return. You are loved Laurel Young. Thank you for all of your support.

Of course my own mother, Trudy Anderson, who is always a FaceTime away. Even though I know she wants to make me move home after Dan graduates, she still puts on a smile and supports me when I tell her about the various locations of Dan’s interviews. She never holds me back and I imagine that it is the most difficult part of being my mother. I love you Ma! Thank you for letting me be me, nomad and all.

To all the awesome women in my life that I didn’t mention, because my kids have relentlessly interrupted during the writing of this post… you absolutely matter. If I have liked your posts, or commented, or sent a message, you have inspired me in some way.

To all of us women, mother or not, that give 99% every day all day - you are doing a tremendous job of keeping it together. You are worthy of more in your life than you think. You are an inspiration. Happy Mother’s Day!

I encourage you to post, message, text or call a woman that inspires you to be better. Let’s build each other up and be thankful our tribe extends beyond the conventional boundaries of location. Cheers!

Writings from a Midlife Crisis

Whenever I sit at my computer to do some writing I always hear the digital theme song of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” playing in my head. Remember that show? If you don’t, this post is not for you.

I have been in a sort of mid-life crisis. Don’t shake your head naysayers, the average age for women to have a mid-life crisis is 40 and for men it’s closer to 50, but these are just averages. With my 20 year class reunion approaching this year, I am guessing I am not the only one going through a crisis at the moment.

My blog posts have been few and far between, mostly because I can’t seem to sit down and write something light and comical anymore. I try. I have a lot of posts written but I just can’t seem to push that ‘publish’ button. 

It's lit up in orange more like a caution button. Hmm...

You see my inner critic has been on overdrive for a long time, and it stops me right before I publish my posts. Here is just a sample of what I’ve been hearing: “No one wants to read this.” “You are wasting your time.” “You should be doing something worthwhile.” “Stop trying.” “No one can relate.” That is just about my writing. You should hear what it says about my parenting skills.

Social media has a way of making that inner critic work on overdrive doesn’t it?  Let’s add in the holidays and just scrolling through the feed on a Sunday night will make you feel like you aren’t doing enough, don’t have enough, and just plain are not enough.

This one is for you my Flushing homies.

I worked really hard for a long time to silence that negative voice in my head. Then kids came along and so did sleep deprivation, restructuring of my career, and a lack of self-care. The critic started up again clearer than before.

Two years after kid #2 was born, Dan made the decision to go back to school and it was a whirlwind of packing, moving, and selling a house. The voice quieted down because Dan and I thrive on chaos. Planning, dreaming, and wondering where this new life would take us became the new positive train of thought.

In the middle of it all, I lost my Dad. When that happened the train derailed and exploded in a fiery rage, and I didn’t want anything to change.  I didn’t want to pack up my house. I didn’t want to sell the furniture he had sat on.  I didn’t want to leave the house behind where he met my kids. On the surface, nothing in my life changed, but everything inside me had changed.  That’s when I gave up and let that negative voice take over.

                “You aren’t doing enough for these kids.”

                 

                 "If you only had a better career we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

                “You need to be a better <insert: parent, wife, daughter, friend, sister, person.>”

                “You are worthless.”

                “You will never be the person you should be.”

I constantly felt like I was letting everyone down all the time.  I had given up on myself because I couldn't see a way to make anything better. This cycle of depression is difficult to break out of. We lay in bed swaddled in our negativity, as if we deserve to be miserable. Only when we get up and do something, anything, can we lift our mood.

Anhedonia is a state of mind when you find no pleasure in anything. This was my daily state of mind. I went through the motions day in and day out. I got up every morning and made a big breakfast for my family. I homeschooled the kids and took them to the park. I made dinners and lunches and kept the house clean. I tucked my kids into bed and got my work done. I faked a smile, and silenced the critic before bed with a few cocktails. 

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how bad my thoughts were getting. One day I allowed myself to fall down the ‘rabbit hole’ and I couldn’t seem to pull myself out. The hours ticked by and I was spiraling deeper into despair.  The next day I woke up numb and decided I had enough. This was not me. 

It took about 3 days after my ‘rabbit hole’ episode to understand that I was causing my own state of distress. I started to notice the self-degrading thoughts that were constantly flowing through my head. “You are not your thoughts.” I had said this to people, yet I didn’t even see that I had let my own thoughts take over my life. Your thoughts are a compilation of opinions and almost never the actual truth.

I started to dissect my thoughts like this…

“You aren’t doing enough for these kids.” What is “enough”? I don’t know.  What do I do for my kids? I feed them, I spend time with them, I tuck them in at night, and I make them feel loved. What else is there?

“If you only had a better career we wouldn’t be in this situation.” If I had only had a better career? What’s better than setting my own hours and being home with my kids? What’s better than working from a beach or a mountain? What’s better than sitting in the sun, working from my laptop, while my kids play at the playground?

                “You need to be a better <insert: parent, wife, daughter, friend, sister, person.>” If I can’t be supportive of myself, how can I support anyone else? Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Stop holding on to unrealistic pressure and start working on a healthy state of mind.

                “You are worthless.” I don’t think my family would eat unless I was around to cook, so actually I am keeping 3 people alive and that’s worth more than anything.

                “You will never be the person you should be.” What kind of person should I be? If I can’t answer that question, then this statement is completely invalid.

Negative self talk also causes a distortion of reality. Have you ever been through an event with someone and you both have completely different perceptions? Our point of view can make all the difference in the world.

Here's an example from my own life - Moving a family of 4 across the country for Dan to specialize.  I have viewed this at both view points depending on how healthy my state of mind was at the moment.

1. View Point 1:  Even though we will be down an income, after the program is over we will be much better off. I bet there is so much to do in Seattle. This will be a fun adventure for the next 2 years! 
2. View Point 2: How can we even think about relocating to an expensive city while losing our largest income source? I have never even been to Seattle and all I know is that is rains constantly. This is going to suck. 

Can you guess which one I thought as my depression got worse?

One tool must be used to break the cycle of negativity: Writing things down. This is a must when you are trying to dissect your words because the mind is like a slippery slide that can send you in any direction. You can't do this in your head it HAS to be written down.

Here is an actual example from this week:

Task: Buying donuts for Dan's class (seriously... the only difference between this and a kindergarten class is that adults can eat sugar.)
Negative self talk: I won't be able to pick the right donuts. Everyone will complain about them and Dan will come home in a bad mood. It will be all my fault.
Perception of task: What is the point of buying these donuts that no one will like? I can't possibly pick something to satisfy everyone. There are too many choices. I'm sure I will get all the wrong ones.
Talking back to the negative voice: It's donuts. Seriously. If they don't like the ones you pick f*** it. In the unlikely event that Dan comes home moody due to donuts just tell him to pick his own donuts next time. Again... donuts... you can't really go wrong.
Actual outcome: Dan said "Everyone liked the donuts. Nice job!"

How ludicrous was it that I stressed over donuts? <shaking my head, seriously>  Next time you are stressing about something small just remember how our negative perceptions can color the silliest of tasks.

Sums it up perfectly doesn't it?

Recognizing your negative thoughts takes practice. Talking back to your negative thoughts is liberating. Replacing your negative thoughts is a skill we all need to master.

Clearly I have a long journey ahead of me, but just making these small changes has brought back some of the humor and contentment that I lost so many months ago. 

As I push the ‘publish’ button on this post, my thoughts are still:

     “Don’t do it.”
     “You are going to offend someone.”
     “No one will read this.”
     “This post is garbage.”
     “Donut stress? Don't embarrass yourself.”
     “At least you didn't use 'donut' to replace 'don't'... you saved a little shred of your dignity there.”

I am choosing to silence those thoughts right now with the hope that this post will reach someone who needs it and maybe we can take this journey together.

A must read if you have been down on yourself lately: “Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns. Also, I am not in any way a mental health professional and if you are having manic episodes or suicidal thoughts you need to seek professional help as soon as possible. There are people that can help. You are not alone.

After reading this I think we could all use a donut… donut you? Ah hem. I’ll stop now… 

Actual stock photo from Top Pot Donuts - a Seattle must!