Statistics: 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys are sexually abused as children. This statistic is partially based on estimation because child sexual abuse is wildly under reported.
If I do a quick calculation on all the parents/grandparents/guardians I am friends with on facebook (that will hopefully read this post) and all of their children combined that could potentially be saved from abuse, we are saving a LOT of kids. (It should be noted that I did not actually do any calculations while working on this post.)
This topic is still considered taboo, however child sexual abuse thrives on secrecy. Do not wait until your child is "old enough" to educate yourself. In an alarming number of cases the abuse began when the child was only 3 years old. The point at which it was reported (if at all - most child sexual abuse is not reported), is not until the child is a teenager or an adult. Years of abuse and coping leaves the child feeling unprotected and abandoned, and leaves the abusers door open to so many other children.
If you can, please read:
Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse
This book should be required reading for all parents, but let's face it, we have very little time. In the book, the author interviewed child sexual abusers, in prison, to find out the circumstances behind their assaults. Nearly all of the abusers had the same answers.
What is child sexual abuse?
First of all you should know what child sexual abuse is: At the extreme end of the spectrum, sexual abuse includes sexual intercourse or its deviations. Yet all offences that involve sexually touching a child (or forcing them to touch someone else), as well as non-touching offenses (showing child things of sexual nature, talking inappropriately to a child about sexual topics), and sexual exploitation, are just as harmful and devastating to a child's well-being. Definition used from americanhumane.org.
Tips to keep your kids safe:
Here are some important points from the book on keeping your kids safe:
- Do not blindly drop your kids off at lessons, or play dates, without checking things out. Ask questions, see the house, be intrusive. This will usually scare off a potential child abuser. A piano teacher abused hundreds of children, because parents dropped their children off at his house and left. No questions, no visits. He said he would have been scared to abuse a child whose parents had come in and looked around, even once.
- Teach your kids the proper names for their body parts. Child abusers tend to go after kids that call their body parts cutesy names. They stated that the child was naïve and the parents probably didn't discuss uncomfortable topics with their kids.
- Watch for behavior changes. Changes in behavior are key indicators that something is wrong. It could be grades going from straight As to failing. An outgoing, happy child becoming melancholy and withdrawn. A child who used to care about their appearance is purposely trying to be unnoticeable.
- Pay attention when your child doesn't like someone. It is not natural for children to have strong feelings of dislike toward an adult. There is probably a reason for it and it is rare when they come straight out and say that they are being abused. Usually they will say things like "I don't like him." "He is mean." "He is bad." It's very general, and they are waiting for you to take the initiative and ask the hard questions. There was a case where the boy was being molested by his church youth counselor. He told his mother he didn't like the man. The mom got angry and told him not to say things like that. The boy never said another word about it. His mother failed to protect him, or get him the help he needed. Not only that, the man went on to abuse so many other children that could have been protected.
- Do not force your children to hug and kiss other family members or children. They should learn at an early age that they are in control of who touches their bodies. If they feel comfortable and want to give a hug, it should be up to them.
- Teach your child about secrets. Child sexual abuse often goes unreported because the abuser teaches them to keep secrets. Tell your child that surprises can be kept because they make people happy and excited, but secrets are hurtful and unsafe.
The majority (but not all) of sexual abusers are heterosexual men, that know the child in some way. It is rarely a complete stranger. Generally the abuser was abused as a child. This is passed down through generations. Abusers prey on children... not necessarily a specific gender.
Helping a child that has been abused:
What happens after the abuse:
- If you think something may have happened, ask questions, talk about it. It will be uncomfortable for both of you, but they will feel safe and begin to heal.
- Get your child into therapy or counseling. The earlier you begin this, the earlier they will heal. Coping is not healing. Healing is recognizing something happened, surrounding them with support, and finding out what they need to move on.
- Report the abuser. Help save another child from abuse.
Healing from child sexual abuse:
- Therapy is beneficial for children and parents. If the child has siblings, they might benefit as well. If the abuser was a family member, it is possible the abuse has happened to the other children and they didn't tell anyone.
- Healing is a long road. They need to feel safe and that someone is protecting them. There is no single path to healing, with your love and guidance, your child will heal on their own time.
- Spending extra time with your child, in a loving and safe environment, will help them on the road to acceptance and gaining back their self-esteem.
What to avoid:
DO NOT:
- Do NOT minimize the situation. Being touched inappropriately, or dealing any sexual situation before they are ready, is something confusing and terrible for a child to have to sort out. Do not use comparisons such as rape vs. molestation, or if you were abused as a child, comparing their situation to yours.
- Do NOT ignore the situation. There are other children in danger. Get your child help and report it to the police to protect other children.
- Do NOT blame the child. This goes without saying, but some people are stupid. Your child, or teenager, needs your support and unconditional love. No matter what the circumstances were they were NOT at fault.
- Do NOT allow contact between your child and the abuser. If it is a family member, it may feel like a loss to everyone to not spend holidays with the family, but what is important, is standing up for your child. Be their hero. Save them from the shame and hurt that would come from forcing everyone to be in the same location.
- Do NOT lose control of yourself in front of them. They need a safe space to talk about the situation. If you start screaming and crying and threatening to hurt their abuser, they may not feel safe. Go to the police, but first talk to your child and make sure they feel safe.
This post is by no means all inclusive, please go to the library or jump on amazon and educate yourself.
Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse
I have not read these but some of them are only $0.99 if you have a kindle, or the app on your phone:
Pedophiles Don't Discriminate: How to Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse
No More Secrets: Protecting Your Child from Sexual Assault
There are tons of books to educate even the youngest kids on what is inappropriate:
I Said No! A Kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private
Your Body Belongs to You
No Means No!: Teaching children about personal boundaries, respect and consent; empowering kids by respecting their choices and their right to say, 'No!'
Do You Have a Secret? (Let's Talk About It!)
If you are a victim of child sexual abuse there are also a lot of recovery books to help you heal:
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 20th Anniversary Edition
It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion
Hush: Moving From Silence to Healing After Childhood Sexual Abuse
There are so many other facets of sexual abuse when it comes to technology. Please get educated and teach your children about the warning signs of online stalkers and video game "groomers".
More resources:
A great website for further resources and information: http://www.stopitnow.org/
Educating the masses? PSA is a company I work for that creates and distributes awareness materials. Please check out their website for DVDs, promotional items, sliders, and display materials: www.psacorp.com.
Please share this post to help keep kids safe.
Again, please share this so we can help protect our kids.
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