Being Invisible

My kids asked me the proverbial question: If you had a superpower, what would it be?

It’s a thought provoking question. I would say power absorption, but I don’t feel like explaining the intricacies of it to two of the most inquisitive children on earth. Flying would be amazing but then you would really need to watch out for weather, bird migration, planes, etc. The most useful superpower in the majority of my life would have been invisibility.

We all need some Super Kids in our lives.

Have you ever attempted to will yourself to be so small you would remain unseen? Most of us can think of a time in childhood we tried to hide away to avoid being punished, or maybe in school when you just wanted to blend in with the crowd, or as an adult trying to avoid an angry boss, and most definitely as a parent when your kid is asking you to watch them jump in the pool for the 457^th time that day.

Some of my youngest memories of wanting to be invisible were from school. I was surely the ugliest child with the longest awkward years of anyone that has ever existed in history. At least that’s my opinion. I look back at those 4^th, 5^th, 6^th, 8^th,  and 9^th grade pictures with disdain. I managed to pull off a decent 7^th grade picture somehow… maybe it was the perm I had just gotten. [Awkward coughing.]

See! I told you.

I was picked on, bullied, back stabbed, fake boy-friended, and every other mean girl thing you can imagine all before I started high school. Luckily it was the 80s/early 90s and I could roam my house all I wanted free of being terrorized, except by phone which was a whole lot different.

<Ring> “Hello?”

“Is this Amanda?”

“Yes”

“Nobody li…” <click>

I am not telling you this because I want an ego stroke, a pity party, or even a hug (although I will never turn that down). These wounds are completely healed. I am dope AF now, probably because these things did happened to me, so suck it bullies!

I am telling you this because this feeling of wanting to be invisible, has kept me from seeing my own dreams, and maybe you have a similar feeling.

Oh wait… did you think I dreamed of going into accounting as a kid? Who the hell has that dream? Accounting was a great way to not have interaction with people, to simply blend into the background of a business. Working from home as an accountant is the icing on a completely tasteless invisible cake.

Once upon a time, I had the biggest dreams of all. I was surely going to be the greatest actress of all time. I would put on “shows” for anyone that would watch, I asked for acting lessons, I sang until my throat was scratchy every day, all day, as loud as I possibly could. You’re welcome neighbors!

In 7^th grade we had our very first play try-out for Alice and Wonderland. How perfect was this?! I had been prepping to be Alice since my next door neighbor and I reenacted every scene in the made-for-TV version of Through the Looking Glass with our Barbies, Rose Petal dolls, and a horde of McDonalds toys. I was going to land the role of Alice!

I didn’t realize that every person in the 7^th and 8^th grade class would be trying out too, or that I was going to get the worst case of the giggles of my life.  I left that audition room with the utmost confidence that I would get the lead role of Alice, despite not reading any of the lines without laughing hysterically. I was absolutely sure that they took one look at me and knew I was star quality.

When the cast list was posted I was crushed. I didn’t even make the list at all. Not even a mushroom, or a tree, or Tweedledum.  I sobbed at school. I sobbed at home. I cried until I couldn’t breathe and then cried some more. See this wasn’t just going to be my breakout moment as an actress, this was going to be my breakout moment from being bullied. I wouldn’t have to hide in the bathroom anymore, I wouldn’t feel like I wanted to blend into the cinderblock walls and move like a ghost unseen.

I firmly decided at 12 years old that I was not going to be the star in my own life, but I would be kickass at best supporting role.

I didn’t try out for theater again until my senior year. By then I had supportive friends that made me feel almost invincible. They were beautiful, talented, and hilarious souls that unknowingly began my healing process. I never landed any starring roles and that was fine by me. I was perfectly content singing in the chorus and that’s exactly where I’ve been choosing to be for the last 20 years.

Blending in and being supportive worked just fine, right up until my first child was born. I was in a brand new town, with a brand new baby, working in a brand new role – exclusively from home. I was a recluse. I was isolated. I was desperate to have contact with other people. I was also snowed in 10 months of the year. I was officially invisible and it was killing me. I started writing this blog as an attempt to step out of that shadow back into the light, one tiny insignificant post at a time. I had no idea what direction it would go in, or if anyone would read it.  At that point, if I only reached a single person, I would no longer be a ghost.

I flip through my blog posts from the past 5 years and they tell an interesting story. At my best, I was turning out 2-3 posts a week. A little humorous, almost all of it about parenting, and it was light. At my worst, I have 100s of posts written but never published. Those writings are darker, deeper, and tucked back in the shadow, never to be shared. At those times I was moving among the shadows again, only stepping into the light out of necessity, terrified of being seen.

I have been sifting through so much emotional baggage in the last two years and I finally came to an epiphany: Since those elementary school days I have never trusted myself. I wasn’t a good judge of character when it came to friends. I deluded myself into thinking that a 7^th grade audition was my make or break moment. I thought being supportive of everyone else would be enough for me.

Being a shadow isn’t enough for anyone. Around my 37^th birthday last year I decided that I was going to take 365 days to step out of the shadow and into the light. The opinions of others have no bearing on my character or my choices. If I wanted to dress up to go out, I did. If I needed to say something to someone, I said it. If a karaoke night was an option, I went for it. I feel stronger, healthier and braver than any other time in my life. With that said… if I feel like writing something, I’m going to share it.   

So, maybe explaining power absorption to a couple of preschool science fanatics would be easier than answering why invisibility would be useful.

I asked them what superpower they would choose and I hope it forever stays:

                “Freezing and unfreezing!” – Ketcher (4yo)

                “Healing people!” – Kenzie (5yo)

It's your turn to think about if you are living as a shadow, or if you are living every moment to it's fullest. I hope you can take a year to test your boundaries and see where it takes you. Don't wait until next year, or your next birthday. Do it right now!