The Worst Mother's Day Ever

The clock shows 4:00am, but I'm not tired. For the last hour, I have been having flashbacks from last year's Mother's Day. It was spent in a hospital listening to my son scream while they attempted to place an IV. Five times they tried. Five. One whole hand. It was how old he was turning in less than a week.

Mother's Day in the ER at
Seattle Children's 2019.

I remember Ketcher's skin was burning and swelling. I remember that morning having to cut his little cotton Paw Patrol pajama T-shirt off of him because it was hurting his skin. I remember sleeping at the end of his hospital bed that night, not being able to touch him because he was in so much pain, but wanting to be right there in case he woke up and was scared. I remember crying because I couldn't hug him and that's all a mom wants to do when her kids are sick and scared. 

It started on a Thursday, he was playing in the dirt outside our apartment in Seattle. That night he looked like he had a little sunburn on his neck, even though I knew I put sunblock on him. On Friday his face and neck looked like a normal sunburn.  On Saturday I took him to Seattle Children's Hospital because he started looking sunburnt in places that had not been exposed to the sun. They sent us home thinking it was an allergic reaction to the lotion. 

On Sunday, Mother's Day, his face was swollen and red. Pus came out of his eyes instead of tears. His clothes were hurting him. I couldn't pick him up, or pull his shirt over his head, or hug him. All four of us arrived at the hospital together not realizing we were going to spend the whole day in a cramped ER room waiting for a diagnosis. 

The first time they tried placing the IV, I held him on my lap. He was screaming and I was instructed to hold his arms down. Pain shot through him every time his skin was touched and they were poking him over and over. "Mommy don't let them hurt me!" Tears ran down my face. I kept whispering "It's okay. It's okay." I choked down my sobs. "MOMMY MAKE THEM STOP HURTING ME!"

Those words will stay with me forever. I failed him that day. When they couldn't get the IV in I told Dan I couldn't be in there when they did a second attempt. I was not the strong stoic parent he needed. I was crying and that was probably adding to his fear. I took Kenzie and went to the waiting room so she could color while they tried again... and again... and again. 

I teach my kids that mistakes are great. Mistakes are how we learn and get better. I make a lot of mistakes as a parent, but not being there for him when he needed me will haunt me. Even though Ketch was 4 years old, he communicated very clearly. That day when he woke up, after they finally placed the IV, he asked  "Mommy I needed you, why weren't you there?"  

Passed out after multiple IV attempts.

That was a sucker punch to the gut and I deserved it. There was no good answer. All I could say was that I was sorry and I needed to take Kenzie out of the room while they tried again. That was true, but I should have been with him. 

He was quarantined after they gave the diagnosis of Staph Scalded Skin Syndrome. Kenzie was no longer allowed to be in the room. One parent would be home with her and the other parent would stay with Ketch. Dan and I would meet at the hospital room door, debrief, and then change shifts. 

Monday night he was improving but he couldn't sleep. His skin was still too painful to touch. Around midnight, after the nurse came to check on him, he was standing up at the edge of his bed, he looked at me through narrowed eyes. Seething anger radiated and with a sinister growl he said. "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" 

I was shocked and frankly, scared. His mellow, happy-go-lucky temperament was completely stripped away leaving him raw and indignant. 

Quietly, with a shaky voice I said "This happened. No one did this "to" you. Sometimes things just happen." 

"YOU LET ME PLAY OUTSIDE. I WAS WITH YOU WHEN THIS HAPPENED!" 

Tears were pouring down my cheeks again. I hadn't slept in 30+ hours. How do you rationalize with a sleep-deprived 4-year-old? You don't. 

He saw my tears, heard a weak apology, and then he laid back down. "I'm just tired." He sighed. I spent the rest of that night terrified that our relationship had completely come apart at the seams. It was all my fault and he knew it.  

His skin started peeling as the burn went away.

The next morning I had a plan. A few weeks prior to this, I had just devoured the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. (This book is absolutely outstanding if you are interested in psychology, PTSD, and trauma.) Psychological trauma from an illness or hospital stay is actually common. Children need to process trauma just like adults do in order to understand it and move forward. Ketch was too young to be able to understand these giant feelings he was having. He needed a professional to help him through this.  

Seattle Children's Hospital has child psychologists and counselors on call. When the morning nurse finished her checkup I followed her out to the hallway and told her we needed someone to come talk to my son.  I also told the doctor, the second nurse, and Dan who sent me home as soon he could that day. I am sure it was very clear that I was a complete mess.  It was Tuesday and I hadn't slept since Saturday night. 

That afternoon someone came and played with Ketcher. They gave him a stuffed bear and had him place his own IV. He was also feeling much better and we were scheduled to be released that night. When I came back up to the hospital after cleaning the apartment - instead of sleeping - he was back to his usual bubbly self. "Mommy the bear has an IV like me!!! See?! I'm not scared of it anymore!" 

Last day in the hospital.

He wasn't scared. He wasn't angry. I was relieved and elated! 

We had to pick up medicine at the hospital pharmacy before we went home. He was smiling and dancing around in his little Mickey Mouse bathrobe and slippers, pointing out all the animals painted in every hallway and corridor. I breathed a sigh of relief as we wound our way around the hospital. I needed some sleep but I needed something else more.  

After what felt like days, weeks, and months... I could hug him again.  I lifted him up and hugged him until he told me to stop. He was eager to keep looking for new animal murals. 

Today there will be no Mother's Day Brunch. There will be no meeting for drinks or laughing with friends. There will be no movie theater, mall, or bookstore. There will be no monitors beeping, or doctors poking. There will be no tears from fear, hospital room debriefing, or pain. We will be stuck inside, sheltered from the cold and COVID. 

This Mother's Day the four of us will be quarantined together. We are healthy, happy, and safe. 

Best of all, today I get to hug my babies all day.

This was taken a few days ago. He's a ham.

Thoughts from Quarantine Day 10

3-26-2020 a continuation from yesterday

8:30am I wanted to take a sweet video of the kids unloading the dishwasher. The video proved that siblings will argue about anything. Video link here.


9am Kenzie has started making a clicking sound with her tongue. It is pushing me toward the brink of madness. We dive into their daily binders so I can distract her from the clicking.

Here is a little snapshot of their work.  Every day they ask me to photograph every page. Every. Single. Page.

5 years old - grade K
Firefighter or Inigo Montoya?

7 years old - grade 1
"wewu" - the sound of a police car apparently

Kenzie starts working on word ladders and reading comprehension. This kid loves words. She loves them so much she uses them nonstop. There is never a time that she isn't speaking and spewing her love of words onto others. Such passion.

Ketcher takes this time to wander the house and open multiple sets of Legos onto the living room carpet. Once the sets have been spilled out, and the carpet sufficiently covered, he joins us at the table.

It's math time. Usually, I stagger math because I can't help both kids at once but Kenzie pulls out her worksheet (sent home on the last day of school) and says "This is easy!" and gets started. It is easy for 1.2 minutes and then I am going back and forth with each kid taking turns while the other one cries in waiting.

I am teaching Ketcher about tens and ones. He is not getting it. I ask what is 20 + 1, he stares at me blankly and says "Eleven?" I didn't sleep much last night and my patience is very thin today. I take a deep breath. I try to explain it louder because that makes total sense, right? Kenzie keeps jumping up and down behind us yelling "I CAN SHOW HIM! I CAN SHOW HIM! LET ME SHOW HIIIIIIM!" I am so annoyed by the jumping and yelling that I scream "SIT DOWN AND WORK ON YOUR OWN MATH!"

I regret yelling immediately and start thinking she could teach him better than I can. There's no going back now, so I keep plugging away and eventually, he finishes the problems in his notebook.

Now I have to help her. I read through the 1st-grade story problem. I don't understand what they are asking. Something about a graph and 2s. I tell her to just ignore the graph and answer the questions.

Ketcher is now asking me to play Legos with him. Over the past 5 days, we have been working on a giant temple from Ninjago. We are in the final stages. If he tries to work on it without me, the whole thing will break apart. I must distract him.

I say, "Ketcher lets do science now!"  He runs over and gets out his science notebook. He spends a while cutting, coloring, and pasting the items from the sheet into the notebook while I finish helping Kenzie with math.

We all talk about living and non-living things. We finish up and I set out some snacks. I organize our binders with tomorrow's worksheets and feel like I held it together pretty well considering how tired I am.

11am Time to do laundry, make lunch, and pick up the house.

1:00pm Kids are at "recess" right now. I told them to go play outside but they decided to go downstairs and inventory the playroom. They are screaming all of their words. They may have a hearing problem. I need to get that checked out after this lockdown is over. Every word is penetrating my brain. I just took out my hearing aids and it has helped. We gave the youngest a kazoo on Saint Patrick's Day.  I wish I could go back in time and slap myself.

Time to get some work done.

2:00pm Somehow these two are still playing together and things have gotten quiet. Real quiet. I am deliberating between sneaking down and seeing what they are up to, and just assuming the worst. I decide to keep working and let the damage continue.

2:03pm Aaaaand they're back.

2:05pm I send them outside to collect items for our Nile river model. It is just a cake pan with tin foil folded in the middle to hold water. They are collecting dirt, grass, and rocks.

Is this the Nile River or just a way to get the kids out of the house?

3:00pm I cleaned out my inbox while they were outside. Right now they are pouring water into the Nile River. It is getting "muddy". I send them back outside to dump their models into the yard.

We are done with "school" now.  I turn on Magic School Bus on Netflix and start prepping for dinner. I will have to work tonight after they are in bed so I pour more caffeine in my cup. It's been a day. Tomorrow will hopefully be better.

Sending lots of calm and love out there to all of you reading this now.

*******************************

I hope through these writings, I stay more connected to everyone. I don't do well with complete social isolation.

I have linked most of our homeschool sources throughout this post.

Here is the list of contents in our morning binders.

Tips for binder work: 

1. All the subjects and worksheets will not be done in one day. 
2. After a worksheet is completed add a new one to the page protector. Our worksheets come from the packets sent home on the last day of school, or interactive notebooks (referenced above), or a basic Grade level workbook like this. 
3. The checklist and all the Word/Number of the day sheets are in page protectors.  Use a dry erase marker to complete them, and then wipe them clean so they are ready to go for tomorrow.
4. Mazes and word searches are age-appropriate. These should be fun, not hard. 
5. History/Geography contains maps of the area I am reading about from The Story of the World: Volume 1 by Susan Wise Bauer or pictures that I printed that might capture their attention (like the Mummy from the Louvre we photographed back in 2006. 
6. The first book of the day could be included in the front cover of the binder. I give each kid a very easy book to read so it's enjoyable and not hard.

As always, thank you for reading!!!
~Amanda

Thoughts from Quarantine Day 9

3-26-2020: I decided to journal life during this lockdown.  It may be the only way I stay sane. I am already starting to feel like a sea captain and the crew is getting restless.

It's been 9 days since we began this quarantine and I have only been out one time to grab a few food items from the store... strawberries, milk, beer, and Jameson.  That was 3 days ago.

Today I woke up at 6am to the smell of dog poop and the sound of nails against the wall.  I knew what I was walking into when I opened the bedroom door but had no idea of the grand scale of the poop this morning. Tully, our nearly 16-year-old dog has no ability to hold his bowels and almost every morning it's the same mess. I always hope he hits the puppy pads I have set out but he never does. Today was exceptionally bad because he had pooped all over his bed, knocked down the glade plug-in air freshener, and smashed a massive amount of poop into the wall and baseboard. It took 15 minutes to clean it all up.

Luckily the kids didn't wake up and I go back to bed, only to sit on my phone reading Coronavirus articles and letting my daily dose of fear set in. I think I am enjoying homeschooling because it takes my mind off of everything else. It's a small portion of control in this otherwise uncontrollable situation. Although I admit, I am still being autocorrected when I misspell quarantine so only time will tell if the kids come out of my homeschooling for the better.

I read through a few funny memes... thank God people still have a sense of humor.

I get quietly out of bed. Dan is still sleeping. I accidentally woke him up last night after I dreamed that he fell out of bed and was laying on the floor unconscious. I sat up and said "ARE YOU OKAY?!" and proceeded to lean on top of him and peer onto the floor, expecting to see him lying face down. He woke up and said something that I didn't hear, although I can probably guess, and then I laid back down and fell back into a restless sleep.

I step out of the bedroom to start the day. The house smells terrible. The kids run out of their rooms and I set out breakfast and give them their "morning challenge". This gives me just enough time to answer any emails that came in for work overnight and allow me to sip some coffee.  It's going to be a long day.

If you want a free printable of the morning challenge click here.

MORNING CHALLENGE

	EAT BREAKFAST
	GET DRESSED
	BRUSH HAIR
	BRUSH TEETH
	MAKE BED
	BRING OUT LAUNDRY
	BRING OUT WATER BOTTLE
	TURN OFF BEDROOM LIGHTS
	UNLOAD DISHWASHER

Seriously, thank you for reading and all of your support and funny memes! Humor keeps the spirits up in this stressful time.

Cheers!
~Amanda

Quarantined: Working at Home with Kids

Working from home with kids is not an easy task. In fact, you probably can't even read this without being interrupted 311 times, unless it's 1am.

As a reference, my kids are 5 & 7 years old. Both of them were home with me 100% of the time until they started Kindergarten. The oldest started K last year and the youngest started K this year. These past few months were the first time I was able to work from home with no children in the house.

Tips for EVERYONE that work-at-home with kids.
If you want one single tip from this whole post here it is:  Schedule your day and stick to it so you have blocks of time for work.

• Schedule meals and snacks - If you don't schedule eating they will ALWAYS be eating and ALWAYS be asking you to get them food. A L W A Y S!
• Breakfast, mid-morning snack (or second breakfast), lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner
• A good rule is every 2.5-3 hours put food out. That sounds like something one might say about a pet, but it applies here too.
• Make the snacks a tray of food - example: cheese, fruit, something crunchy like goldfish or veggie straws, something salty like olives or pickles, and a veggie (if your kids eat those foreign objects). They can nibble until the next meal.

• Schedule a bedtime and stick to it. I am feeling your eye rolls already. I know this may sound like the most unrealistic thing to attempt, but it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. 
• The key here is to make bedtime non-negotiable. 
• If you pick 7pm then you need to start the routine at 6pm: bath, books, bed
• If the kids can read independently, tell them they can read in bed with a book light until they get tired. 
• As an example: My kids went to bed at 6pm until they were about 5 years old. Now that we are quarantined, and have no hockey/dance/school functions we are holding steady at a 7pm lights out bedtime. The 7-year-old reads for a little before she falls asleep. This gives me a solid 3 hours to work before I get tired.
• Side note: If you don't have to work, you and your partner get to just hang out. If you like one another, this may result in some good conversation, arguments about who's music is best, and enjoying a drink or two. 

• Nights are for focused work. Unfortunately, if the children are awake, you will still get interrupted. According to a study I read once (but can't remember the name of) it takes 7 minutes to get focused up after being interrupted. That's a lot of lost time.
• Day time work should be for answering emails and doing the easy stuff. 
• Kid screen time should be reserved for conference calls and other work tasks that can't be done at night. More on this below.
• Cleaning, laundry, and cooking should all be done at times when children can help out. 
• No child is too young to contribute to the household - chores teach responsibility
• Cooking is a group task. Kids love sharp stuff, give that 5 year-old a butter knife and have them cut the tops off strawberries. 
• Home economics is school too.

Infant - Toddler - Preschool
Obviously, this will not really apply to an infant. When you are in that phase just attempt a nap schedule that coincides with "quiet-time" which will give you a block of time to work. This works best after lunch and can be 1-2 hours depending on if your older child naps or not.

• Quiet time boxes are a MUST!  The concept is simple: Put toys in boxes and rotate them every day. Think about the toy boxes you have at home. Do the kids ever play with anything in them?  Maybe just a few toys off the top?  Have you ever attempted to throw away unused toys and all of a sudden it's Christmas morning and everything is being played with?  You get the idea. 
• If your stores are open go buy 20 medium/large size Sterilite-type containers or order them online from amazon. 
• When they arrive, take some time to drop all the toys into various boxes. This will work better if there is a variety of toys in one box. (example: coloring books, crayons, blocks, a few barbies, a book, and some cars) 
• If you have preschool-age kids this works best using theme boxes. Example: restaurant box - play food, utensils, paper and crayons to make a menu, fake money, etc. Keep the ideas simple  - school, mail, office, grocery, health, space, dinosaurs, princess, weather, etc. No theme is boring to a kid. 
• The boxes will be used during the 1-2 hour quiet time they spend in their room. Having "new" toys to play with every day will remove the number of distractions from your work time which should coincide with quiet time. 
• When quiet time is over, pack the boxes up and put them away.  They are special and should only be used during this time. 
• The toys should be age-appropriate or younger. If anything is too difficult they are going to want you to help them, so keep it simple.

Preschool - Homeschool - Early Elementary

I started homeschooling the oldest when she turned 3 because honestly, she was unbearable with nothing to do. A nice way of putting it is that she is a "spirited" child. At that point, I had a 1 1/2-year-old, a 3-year-old, a puppy, and I was working from home full-time. Here is when I really had to get my shit together.

• School time is 100% you focusing on them. Do not think you can work and have them do school at the same time. Unless your child is older and enjoys reading quietly on their own, you will need to be right next to them answering questions and guiding them on what tasks to do next. 

• Homeschool is NOT a 6 hour day. Even the people that home school their older kids full-time, do not spend 6 hours on school. So just breathe. Anything is better than nothing.

• Schedule your school time. I can't stress this enough when working from home: schedule, schedule, schedule. 
• Preschool: Keep it short - Depending on the kid, this may be two 30 minute periods or 1 hour in the morning with some games in the afternoon. Games are a great way to learn math, social skills, reading and logic.
• Kindergarten: Currently I am doing 1.5 hours in the morning and another hour (if that) in the afternoon. Most of this is centered around whatever he is interested in right now. 
• Early Elementary: My oldest is in first grade, so I am still keeping it short. She is doing 2 hours in the morning and another hour in the afternoon + reading. 
• This sounds like a lot but you will see from my next post about homeschool, it is very short lessons and mostly based on what they enjoy doing, with a few worksheets sprinkled in.

• Morning school = afternoon work. 
• If you devote much of your morning to your children, you can ease the guilt when you work in the afternoon. 
• Save their favorite subjects for the afternoon so they can work independently, or at least work with less tears. My oldest cries whenever we do Math so I do Math right after our group work. She loves reading and writing so those are saved for afternoons.

• Save screens for afternoons/conference calls. 
• I am a little crazy about minimizing TV and iPads. I use screens for when I NEED to work or seriously need a break.
• Before a conference call, I always put out some snacks, turn on their favorite movie, or let them play on their ipads with instructions to NOT interrupt me. Tell them what happens if they do interrupt you during your call. Be specific and FOLLOW THROUGH so they know not to do that again.
• Unless you have to do focused work in the morning, do not use screens until the afternoon.

• Reading time is a requirement for all children old enough to read independently.
• Reading should be in the afternoons. This is the older child's version of "quiet time."
• Set a timer and tell them they are responsible for reading on their own until the timer goes off. 
• Make a reading challenge if your kids are competitive. 
• Let them choose their books, even if it's graphic novels, comics or other things you wouldn't choose for them. 
• At the end, ask the child to write out a page or passage from something they read today. 
• This adds a little writing and copy work into their school day. 
• If they enjoy art, ask them to draw a picture to go with their writing. 
• This activity will increase the time you have to finish up emails or other work.

This whole situation is not easy. You are going to get frustrated at your kids and irritated with work. Some days will be smooth and some days will completely suck. Older kids will understand your need to work a little more. Young kids won't understand why they can't hang all over you while you are trying to type a strongly worded email to Barb who is taking a leave of absence from her work-at-home schedule because she needs a day off for "mental health" reasons. Barb doesn't even have kids...

Final thoughts about being quarantined with our kids...

• Have a sense of humor. Some parents can laugh and be light-hearted about anything. I am not those parents, but keeping them in mind makes me rethink how I react to things. 
• Watch the Mr. Rogers documentary. The movie was good, but the documentary is excellent. It will remind you how important it is to try and look at things from your child's perspective.
• Think about what you are saying in front of your kids. If you keep talking about the coronavirus death toll, it is going to scare them. They don't need to be scared. They are looking to the adults in their life to protect them and make them feel safe. Being pulled away from their friends, teachers, and activities is plenty for them to digest right now.
• The more anxious you are, the more anxious they are. Anxious children do not allow parents to get any work done. They are needy, clingy, and whiney. Please make them feel safe and loved and focused on first, then deal with work. 

We are all in this together and we will make it through. Except for Barb... she is definitely not in this.

For other posts about working from home during a time when the world was not being quarantined, please search "work from home" in the search bar on this page. The information may be humorous, useful or neither. It's a crapshoot.

Right place and right time

$25.03

A woman crying. 

A young daughter quietly consoling her mother, eyes darting around wildly. When our eyes locked I could see “help” flashing in them just for a nanosecond.

Let’s start from the beginning…

We have spent the last 3 months in a giving mode. We gave our kids their favorite Halloween costumes. We gave out candy. We gave our friends and family vast amounts of delicious cooked food on Thanksgiving. We gave cans and other goods to the food drives and dropped off toys for toys-for-tots. We spent hours picking out the perfect gifts for everyone in our lives. We gave ourselves the right to stress eat, indulge, and do as we please all season long. We gave and gave and gave.

January comes and we breathe a sigh of relief and begin to shift the focus back on ourselves.  Now it’s time to take our bodies back and get things for ourselves back in order. It’s the only thing to do when the weather is bleak and there's little to look forward to until Spring.

While I was wandering the grocery store this morning, filling my cart with salads and healthy lunch snacks, I saw an Indian woman about my age, draped over the apples with her eyes closed. I wasn’t sure if she was crying or having a migraine.   

My 4-year-old was prattling on about fruit roll-ups as I pushed the cart a little closer.  I paused to look at some fruit I didn’t intend to buy watching the woman and her daughter, who was about 11-years-old. She was just as tall as the mother and had on a similar pink and yellow tunic. The daughter was holding a small basket of groceries and a gallon of milk. She set down the basket and started patting her mother on the back. “Are you okay?” She whispered. Her eyes were darting around the produce section. Was she embarrassed or was she looking for help?

“Mmm-hmm” I mumbled, as my son continued to talk about things that only 4-year-olds talk about.

I wanted to go ask if they needed help but I never want to pry, embarrass, or bother. The daughter was whispering things in an unfamiliar language as the mother stood perfectly still with her eyes still closed. Once again the daughter's beautiful eyes searched the area and when our eyes met I saw a flash of "help" looking back at me. 

The woman finally started moving again, shoulders slumped, she was leaning against her daughter who was walking as focused as possible to the checkout.

I followed behind a distance, watching them. If they need help, please let me be of service, I thought. 

There were 2 people between us with 1 item in their baskets each. A cashier came over and grabbed the next person in line. Less than a minute later another cashier came for the person in front of me. Now I was right behind them. 

Ketcher was sitting in the front basket of the cart putting items he could reach on the belt. The mother was leaning against the wall of candy with her hand covering her eyes. Her daughter was fumbling with the credit card machine.

“Do I use it like this?” Her card was turned the wrong way. I knew there was no right way she could get that card to work. The mother moved next to her and shook her head. She tried again the right way; after a short pause, and another head shake from her mother, I moved in.

“Do you need some help?”

They didn’t answer. I looked at the daughter and said, “here let me help.”  I slid my card in. The daughter was speaking to her mother again. I didn't recognize the words but the tone was urgent. As the machine took its time processing the transaction I wrapped my arm around the daughter's shoulders. She turned in and hugged me.

When I pulled my card out and stuffed it into my coat pocket the mother flung her arms around me. Her eyes wet with tears and cheeks shining from tears that had been falling for too long to tell.

“Thank you! God bless you!” was all she said. I didn’t know what to say but “It’s going to be okay.”

The daughter smiled at me one last time while they gathered their goods. I busied myself with organizing the groceries on the belt. They left and the cashier looked at me baffled. “That was such a nice thing you did.” I smiled and said, “I was just here at the right time.” She nodded.

It was $25.03 but it was so much more than that. This mother and daughter needed to know that there are people looking out for them. A stranger at the grocery store cares. I think people really need to know this right now. People care. I care. Hopefully, you care.

I am writing this, not for any praise or accolades. I am writing this to remind everyone during this dark time to remember there are still people that need to be helped. Keep an eye out and an opportunity will present itself. It may not feel natural to help a stranger, but it sure feels good.

Thanks for reading!

~Amanda

2019 and the New Location

[DISCLAIMER: HEAVY SARCASM ALERT! Please be aware that this text contains heavy sarcasm which can be confusing to some people. If you are from Ohio please refrain from reading, it may result in headaches and general confusion. If you find yourself becoming disoriented while reading this text please discontinue reading and go back to your buzzfeed quiz.]

This year has been one looooooooong year. No surprise there. Time no longer works in a linear fashion while waiting for the next adventure to begin. Our Seattle journey is coming to a close in 2019 and we are packing up the wagon and hitting the dusty trail to a new location we’ve never been before, but it’s where the dart landed so away we go.

Our wagon doesn't look quite this good.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida was where the first dart was thrown back in the summer of 2004. My future husband, sister-in-law and I left Michigan with nothing but a trunk full of bathing suits and liquor. We drove all day and all night ready to hit the dull sandy beach at sunrise. Slushy alcoholic drinks and flip flops would sustain us until we needed real jobs and Dan started dental school. We were never going to move anywhere snowy and cold ever again! A balmy 90 degrees year round was the life for us. Getting inside that hot black car with leather seats and sweating through your work pants at 7am was all part of the charm.  

Four years and a handful of hurricanes later we decided Florida wasn’t the place for us, so off we went to Colorado Springs, Colorado in the summer of 2008. The front range of those beautiful Rockies was a sight to behold, who would ever get tired of looking at that stunning mountain view? The weather was the perfect mix of sun, seasons, and a little snow. Life couldn’t get better than this! People everywhere would stop and talk to us about what wonderful skiers they were. Man, the confidence here is off the charts! It’s amazing that every person said they were an expert climber, hiker, snowboarder, runner, biker. What can’t these people do?!  Who needs to be humble when they live in Colorado!

That John Denver was full of sh**!

In October 2012, we decided it would be better to be IN the mountains than be near the mountains. We headed to Frisco, Colorado to live in a tiny mountain town and raise our kids like good mountain people do: skiing and snowboarding before they can even walk. If we live in Colorado we have to become experts at everything so mountain emersion is key.  Yes, this is the life for us! It was a Thomas Kincaid work of art every day, from October 1 to May 31, looking at all that fresh white snow piled so high you could walk right over our fence. What a joy it was to have our neighbors ski right up to our porch and chat with us while we were relaxing in the hot tub. Who needs privacy when there’s an HOA that says no fencing or porch enclosures to enhance a “neighborly community,” not us! Searching for our dogs that would escape the yard every week after it dropped 5 feet of snow was certainly a great workout, especially with a baby on your back.  The baby weight from both kids dropped off so fast!

No sarcasm about the amount of snow we had.
That was legit!

Then, sometimes in mid-life we decide we want something better than what we have had. A new adventure awaited us, which by now “us” was a family of 4. In late spring of 2017 we moved to Seattle so Dan could go back to school to specialize. Sure it rains, but it doesn’t snow! The summer is 78 degrees and sunny for 4 months straight. Plus it is the perfect time to become minimalists! Purging all of our stuff to live in a two bedroom apartment is such a freeing experience. How rejuvenating it is to live with nothing!

This is where it’s at! A family of 4 in an 800 sq foot apartment with one bathroom just makes us all feel closer together. ‘No boundaries’ I like to call it! This cozy little shoebox of a home only costs triple what a 3000 sq foot house would cost anywhere else. But the seafood, water and mountains are just what we need. It only took us 45 minutes to get to the seafood restaurant 8 miles away.  We planned ahead so we weren’t completely starving by the time we were seated 35 minutes after we got there, even though we had a reservation. That’s just big city living!

Seattlites shopping downtown a week
before Christmas.

Although… having a yard and garage would be nice, especially for all the hockey equipment we have. Perhaps owning a house that costs a fraction of what we pay in rent would be an investment. Maybe owning two cars again would be handy for all the after-school activities we attend. I could definitely get on board with more than one bathroom…

Let’s get those darts back out.

Hang the map.

Blindfold please.

Done.

In August of 2019 we ride!

Will La Crosse, Wisconsin be our final destination? Will our nomad hearts ever be tamed? To that I say, there’s a lot of world we haven’t lived in yet, so stay tuned.

2019 will be a year of change for all of us. Don’t be afraid.  Embrace the adventure! Trust this: If everything starts to fall apart… all you really need is a trunk full of bathing suits and liquor and you’ll figure it out.

Not our actual trunk of booze but pretty close.

Happy New Year everyone and thank you for reading!

~Amanda

First day of school

The first day of Kindergarten, what an odd emotional task to drop your child off at school for the first time. After 5 1/2 years of being with each other every moment of the day, you would think the feeling of relief would be stronger than the sadness of loosening the strings that bind us. 

Standard first day of school shot.

Some of the thoughts that rush through your head:

• Have I taught her enough to be safe?
• Will the other kids be kind?
• Will she be kind to other kids?
• Will the teacher treat her fairly?
• Will she follow directions?
• Will she be scared? 

Worse than the questions about her first day are questions like these:

• Why didn't I play with her more?
• Will she remember all the days we spent together before school started?
• Why is SHE comforting ME? Aren't I supposed to be the strong one?

I remember a time not so long ago that I was looking at everyone else's 'back-to-school' pictures and feeling envy. I remember being so isolated, in the thick of raising an infant and a toddler, that I was dreaming of the day I would drop my kids off at school and have time to run errands without packing a 10 gallon sack full of diapers, bottles, toys, and snacks. I still wouldn't want to go back to those days, although if anyone has an infant they need me to hold for a few hours I am eager to help out. 

Now that the kids are 4 & 5 they are so fun. They are also still a lot of work, make no mistake about THAT. The needs and wants are endless. Together they are continuously hungry and the moment I sit down their bodies catapult into starvation mode, even if an entire plate of food is sitting in front of them. They can do everything themselves, as long as I am there to clean up the spills and broken pieces. They are so brave, as long as there is a pack of band-aids and healing mommy kisses at the ready.

They talk endlessly. When one stops the other picks up. They ask questions about everything under the sun, and moon, and in outer-space.  They aren't satisfied with a vague answer. They want to read a book about it, or see a picture of it, take it apart and put and it back together to see how it all works. I haven't had a moment of silence in 5.5 years but I've learned more than I could have ever imagined. 

They are best friends and the worst of enemies depending on which way the wind is blowing. They can scream at one another about complete non-sense and then hold hands in the back seat. 

I knew my feelings about dropping Kenzie at school were much stronger than her feelings about leaving us. Every night I would read her 'first-day-of-school' books and by the end of the book I was so choked up I could barely finish. As I was baking cupcakes for Kenzie's 'welcome-home-from-your-first-day-of-school' party - because you know how much I love to throw parties for no particular reason - I started tearing up thinking about how strong and smart and independent she is, and wondering if school is going to change her wild spirit. 

Yesterday in the midst of chaos in her classroom, among parents/grandparents/siblings all attempting to talk their kid into being excited and not scared, being friendly and not shy, letting go and not clinging to their legs, my child was the one that told me to let go. On Facebook I posted this blurb about what happened:

First day of kindergarten. When I bent down to say goodbye she put her arms around my neck and whispered “It’s okay Mama, you’ll be fine without me.” I was so choked up when she pulled away my “I love you” was barely audible. My eyes were so full of tears one blink and they would have spilled over. When she noticed she quickly covered my eyes with her tiny hands and said “maybe you should go now.” 🤦‍♀️😆

She's ready to start the day and get me out of there.

That brown bag is a gift to the parent from the teacher.
Kenzie colored the bag on Kindergarten orientation day.

I know she'll be fine. I know I'll be fine. I know I'll keep telling myself both of those things until they are true. 

Ketcher and I stayed out of the house for most of the day yesterday, maybe because we are used to the chaos, the loudness, the energy that surrounds Kenzie when she enters a room. When we got home it was quiet. Too quiet. Within a couple of hours we were picking her up and it was as it always has been. We threw our little celebration complete with pink bears and cupcakes. Kenzie thanked me profusely for letting her go to school and she can't wait to go again. 

Welcome Home from School Party!

I guess I bought that pink bear for both of us. She hugs it when she's home and I hug it when she's gone. It's silly to be emotional over a first day of kindergarten, but it is the first time I realize that my time with her is so short and one day the drop off will be to a life of her own. 

Ketch and I are sitting at the table quietly this morning. Kenzie was already dropped at school. We are still in a weird state of not knowing what we should do without our ball of energy to guide us. Next year he will be off to kindergarten and I will be running errands with nothing but myself to look after. No kids asking for a bathroom or a snack. No one telling me they are bored after 10 minutes at Target. No one fighting over who gets to ride in the cart. No one to cry when we leave the toy isle, or beg relentlessly for one piece of candy at checkout. Maybe this won't be so bad after all... 

In the meantime, I can't squander my time crying over what will happen 13 years from now. I have to instill in Ketcher a thirst for knowledge and an open mind before I drop him at school next year. I don't know what our future educational plans are for the kids, I might homeschool again when the time is right, they may end up staying in school for good, or maybe doing a hybrid if our future state allows such things. Whatever the future holds, you can bet these two littles will be able to handle it. I just have to figure out how to handle myself.

First unit: The Human Body

Being Invisible

My kids asked me the proverbial question: If you had a superpower, what would it be?

It’s a thought provoking question. I would say power absorption, but I don’t feel like explaining the intricacies of it to two of the most inquisitive children on earth. Flying would be amazing but then you would really need to watch out for weather, bird migration, planes, etc. The most useful superpower in the majority of my life would have been invisibility.

We all need some Super Kids in our lives.

Have you ever attempted to will yourself to be so small you would remain unseen? Most of us can think of a time in childhood we tried to hide away to avoid being punished, or maybe in school when you just wanted to blend in with the crowd, or as an adult trying to avoid an angry boss, and most definitely as a parent when your kid is asking you to watch them jump in the pool for the 457^th time that day.

Some of my youngest memories of wanting to be invisible were from school. I was surely the ugliest child with the longest awkward years of anyone that has ever existed in history. At least that’s my opinion. I look back at those 4^th, 5^th, 6^th, 8^th,  and 9^th grade pictures with disdain. I managed to pull off a decent 7^th grade picture somehow… maybe it was the perm I had just gotten. [Awkward coughing.]

See! I told you.

I was picked on, bullied, back stabbed, fake boy-friended, and every other mean girl thing you can imagine all before I started high school. Luckily it was the 80s/early 90s and I could roam my house all I wanted free of being terrorized, except by phone which was a whole lot different.

<Ring> “Hello?”

“Is this Amanda?”

“Yes”

“Nobody li…” <click>

I am not telling you this because I want an ego stroke, a pity party, or even a hug (although I will never turn that down). These wounds are completely healed. I am dope AF now, probably because these things did happened to me, so suck it bullies!

I am telling you this because this feeling of wanting to be invisible, has kept me from seeing my own dreams, and maybe you have a similar feeling.

Oh wait… did you think I dreamed of going into accounting as a kid? Who the hell has that dream? Accounting was a great way to not have interaction with people, to simply blend into the background of a business. Working from home as an accountant is the icing on a completely tasteless invisible cake.

Once upon a time, I had the biggest dreams of all. I was surely going to be the greatest actress of all time. I would put on “shows” for anyone that would watch, I asked for acting lessons, I sang until my throat was scratchy every day, all day, as loud as I possibly could. You’re welcome neighbors!

In 7^th grade we had our very first play try-out for Alice and Wonderland. How perfect was this?! I had been prepping to be Alice since my next door neighbor and I reenacted every scene in the made-for-TV version of Through the Looking Glass with our Barbies, Rose Petal dolls, and a horde of McDonalds toys. I was going to land the role of Alice!

I didn’t realize that every person in the 7^th and 8^th grade class would be trying out too, or that I was going to get the worst case of the giggles of my life.  I left that audition room with the utmost confidence that I would get the lead role of Alice, despite not reading any of the lines without laughing hysterically. I was absolutely sure that they took one look at me and knew I was star quality.

When the cast list was posted I was crushed. I didn’t even make the list at all. Not even a mushroom, or a tree, or Tweedledum.  I sobbed at school. I sobbed at home. I cried until I couldn’t breathe and then cried some more. See this wasn’t just going to be my breakout moment as an actress, this was going to be my breakout moment from being bullied. I wouldn’t have to hide in the bathroom anymore, I wouldn’t feel like I wanted to blend into the cinderblock walls and move like a ghost unseen.

I firmly decided at 12 years old that I was not going to be the star in my own life, but I would be kickass at best supporting role.

I didn’t try out for theater again until my senior year. By then I had supportive friends that made me feel almost invincible. They were beautiful, talented, and hilarious souls that unknowingly began my healing process. I never landed any starring roles and that was fine by me. I was perfectly content singing in the chorus and that’s exactly where I’ve been choosing to be for the last 20 years.

Blending in and being supportive worked just fine, right up until my first child was born. I was in a brand new town, with a brand new baby, working in a brand new role – exclusively from home. I was a recluse. I was isolated. I was desperate to have contact with other people. I was also snowed in 10 months of the year. I was officially invisible and it was killing me. I started writing this blog as an attempt to step out of that shadow back into the light, one tiny insignificant post at a time. I had no idea what direction it would go in, or if anyone would read it.  At that point, if I only reached a single person, I would no longer be a ghost.

I flip through my blog posts from the past 5 years and they tell an interesting story. At my best, I was turning out 2-3 posts a week. A little humorous, almost all of it about parenting, and it was light. At my worst, I have 100s of posts written but never published. Those writings are darker, deeper, and tucked back in the shadow, never to be shared. At those times I was moving among the shadows again, only stepping into the light out of necessity, terrified of being seen.

I have been sifting through so much emotional baggage in the last two years and I finally came to an epiphany: Since those elementary school days I have never trusted myself. I wasn’t a good judge of character when it came to friends. I deluded myself into thinking that a 7^th grade audition was my make or break moment. I thought being supportive of everyone else would be enough for me.

Being a shadow isn’t enough for anyone. Around my 37^th birthday last year I decided that I was going to take 365 days to step out of the shadow and into the light. The opinions of others have no bearing on my character or my choices. If I wanted to dress up to go out, I did. If I needed to say something to someone, I said it. If a karaoke night was an option, I went for it. I feel stronger, healthier and braver than any other time in my life. With that said… if I feel like writing something, I’m going to share it.   

So, maybe explaining power absorption to a couple of preschool science fanatics would be easier than answering why invisibility would be useful.

I asked them what superpower they would choose and I hope it forever stays:

                “Freezing and unfreezing!” – Ketcher (4yo)

                “Healing people!” – Kenzie (5yo)

It's your turn to think about if you are living as a shadow, or if you are living every moment to it's fullest. I hope you can take a year to test your boundaries and see where it takes you. Don't wait until next year, or your next birthday. Do it right now! 

Writings from a Midlife Crisis

Whenever I sit at my computer to do some writing I always hear the digital theme song of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” playing in my head. Remember that show? If you don’t, this post is not for you.

I have been in a sort of mid-life crisis. Don’t shake your head naysayers, the average age for women to have a mid-life crisis is 40 and for men it’s closer to 50, but these are just averages. With my 20 year class reunion approaching this year, I am guessing I am not the only one going through a crisis at the moment.

My blog posts have been few and far between, mostly because I can’t seem to sit down and write something light and comical anymore. I try. I have a lot of posts written but I just can’t seem to push that ‘publish’ button. 

It's lit up in orange more like a caution button. Hmm...

You see my inner critic has been on overdrive for a long time, and it stops me right before I publish my posts. Here is just a sample of what I’ve been hearing: “No one wants to read this.” “You are wasting your time.” “You should be doing something worthwhile.” “Stop trying.” “No one can relate.” That is just about my writing. You should hear what it says about my parenting skills.

Social media has a way of making that inner critic work on overdrive doesn’t it?  Let’s add in the holidays and just scrolling through the feed on a Sunday night will make you feel like you aren’t doing enough, don’t have enough, and just plain are not enough.

This one is for you my Flushing homies.

I worked really hard for a long time to silence that negative voice in my head. Then kids came along and so did sleep deprivation, restructuring of my career, and a lack of self-care. The critic started up again clearer than before.

Two years after kid #2 was born, Dan made the decision to go back to school and it was a whirlwind of packing, moving, and selling a house. The voice quieted down because Dan and I thrive on chaos. Planning, dreaming, and wondering where this new life would take us became the new positive train of thought.

In the middle of it all, I lost my Dad. When that happened the train derailed and exploded in a fiery rage, and I didn’t want anything to change.  I didn’t want to pack up my house. I didn’t want to sell the furniture he had sat on.  I didn’t want to leave the house behind where he met my kids. On the surface, nothing in my life changed, but everything inside me had changed.  That’s when I gave up and let that negative voice take over.

                “You aren’t doing enough for these kids.”

                 

                 "If you only had a better career we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

                “You need to be a better <insert: parent, wife, daughter, friend, sister, person.>”

                “You are worthless.”

                “You will never be the person you should be.”

I constantly felt like I was letting everyone down all the time.  I had given up on myself because I couldn't see a way to make anything better. This cycle of depression is difficult to break out of. We lay in bed swaddled in our negativity, as if we deserve to be miserable. Only when we get up and do something, anything, can we lift our mood.

Anhedonia is a state of mind when you find no pleasure in anything. This was my daily state of mind. I went through the motions day in and day out. I got up every morning and made a big breakfast for my family. I homeschooled the kids and took them to the park. I made dinners and lunches and kept the house clean. I tucked my kids into bed and got my work done. I faked a smile, and silenced the critic before bed with a few cocktails. 

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how bad my thoughts were getting. One day I allowed myself to fall down the ‘rabbit hole’ and I couldn’t seem to pull myself out. The hours ticked by and I was spiraling deeper into despair.  The next day I woke up numb and decided I had enough. This was not me. 

It took about 3 days after my ‘rabbit hole’ episode to understand that I was causing my own state of distress. I started to notice the self-degrading thoughts that were constantly flowing through my head. “You are not your thoughts.” I had said this to people, yet I didn’t even see that I had let my own thoughts take over my life. Your thoughts are a compilation of opinions and almost never the actual truth.

I started to dissect my thoughts like this…

“You aren’t doing enough for these kids.” What is “enough”? I don’t know.  What do I do for my kids? I feed them, I spend time with them, I tuck them in at night, and I make them feel loved. What else is there?

“If you only had a better career we wouldn’t be in this situation.” If I had only had a better career? What’s better than setting my own hours and being home with my kids? What’s better than working from a beach or a mountain? What’s better than sitting in the sun, working from my laptop, while my kids play at the playground?

                “You need to be a better <insert: parent, wife, daughter, friend, sister, person.>” If I can’t be supportive of myself, how can I support anyone else? Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Stop holding on to unrealistic pressure and start working on a healthy state of mind.

                “You are worthless.” I don’t think my family would eat unless I was around to cook, so actually I am keeping 3 people alive and that’s worth more than anything.

                “You will never be the person you should be.” What kind of person should I be? If I can’t answer that question, then this statement is completely invalid.

Negative self talk also causes a distortion of reality. Have you ever been through an event with someone and you both have completely different perceptions? Our point of view can make all the difference in the world.

Here's an example from my own life - Moving a family of 4 across the country for Dan to specialize.  I have viewed this at both view points depending on how healthy my state of mind was at the moment.

1. View Point 1:  Even though we will be down an income, after the program is over we will be much better off. I bet there is so much to do in Seattle. This will be a fun adventure for the next 2 years! 
2. View Point 2: How can we even think about relocating to an expensive city while losing our largest income source? I have never even been to Seattle and all I know is that is rains constantly. This is going to suck. 

Can you guess which one I thought as my depression got worse?

One tool must be used to break the cycle of negativity: Writing things down. This is a must when you are trying to dissect your words because the mind is like a slippery slide that can send you in any direction. You can't do this in your head it HAS to be written down.

Here is an actual example from this week:

Task: Buying donuts for Dan's class (seriously... the only difference between this and a kindergarten class is that adults can eat sugar.)
Negative self talk: I won't be able to pick the right donuts. Everyone will complain about them and Dan will come home in a bad mood. It will be all my fault.
Perception of task: What is the point of buying these donuts that no one will like? I can't possibly pick something to satisfy everyone. There are too many choices. I'm sure I will get all the wrong ones.
Talking back to the negative voice: It's donuts. Seriously. If they don't like the ones you pick f*** it. In the unlikely event that Dan comes home moody due to donuts just tell him to pick his own donuts next time. Again... donuts... you can't really go wrong.
Actual outcome: Dan said "Everyone liked the donuts. Nice job!"

How ludicrous was it that I stressed over donuts? <shaking my head, seriously>  Next time you are stressing about something small just remember how our negative perceptions can color the silliest of tasks.

Sums it up perfectly doesn't it?

Recognizing your negative thoughts takes practice. Talking back to your negative thoughts is liberating. Replacing your negative thoughts is a skill we all need to master.

Clearly I have a long journey ahead of me, but just making these small changes has brought back some of the humor and contentment that I lost so many months ago. 

As I push the ‘publish’ button on this post, my thoughts are still:

     “Don’t do it.”
     “You are going to offend someone.”
     “No one will read this.”
     “This post is garbage.”
     “Donut stress? Don't embarrass yourself.”
     “At least you didn't use 'donut' to replace 'don't'... you saved a little shred of your dignity there.”

I am choosing to silence those thoughts right now with the hope that this post will reach someone who needs it and maybe we can take this journey together.

A must read if you have been down on yourself lately: “Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns. Also, I am not in any way a mental health professional and if you are having manic episodes or suicidal thoughts you need to seek professional help as soon as possible. There are people that can help. You are not alone.

After reading this I think we could all use a donut… donut you? Ah hem. I’ll stop now… 

Actual stock photo from Top Pot Donuts - a Seattle must!