I can handle normal.

I woke up to the light reflecting off the snow, giving our room a daytime glow, even though it is only 6:30am. I look at the monitor. Ketcher is laying in bed using his hockey stick to swipe at toys on the floor. Kenzie is in her drapes gazing at the snow. I smile.

Today feels good. It's been a week since the darkness seemed all consuming. Sometimes we have to be in the dark to see the light.

It's normal, I can handle normal.

Dan's alarm goes off and he grabs his phone to check the snow report. He reaches over and touches my shoulder. I know today is going to be a good day.

We get up and I head downstairs to take care of the dogs and kids. The dogs barrel down the stairs ready to run outside. When I open the door they see the snow and hesitate. Tully (he's our senior dog) is not a fan of snow. The puppy, on the other hand, isn't quite sure of what this white, cold substance is. He licks at it and then heads out. He is a Swiss Mountain Dog and made for the snow.

I spend a few minutes getting breakfast ready before I let the kids out of their rooms. I think about how much has changed in the past week.

There was a lot of darkness. After months of struggling, I hit my lowest. There was no way I could have gotten out of it without help.

I don't like to put myself out there. As soon as I hit post, I always feel this twinge of regret, but I am so glad I posted. With each text, email, message and comment I felt like I wasn't alone. Everyone has bad days, weeks, months, and hearing that other people are going through it, or went through it, made me feel normal, instead of alone.

I can handle normal.

I open the kids bedroom doors. They both come out slowly today. Ketcher still seems groggy and Kenzie is wandering around hoping Daddy is already downstairs. She is holding her snowboarding T-Shirt in one hand and a stack of felt ornaments in another.

The laundry basket is full of clothes to be folded so I get started. Again I let my thoughts wander...

Dan answered my cry for help two-fold. First, he took me out on a date, just us, and we talked... like really talked. We got back on the same page, and having both of us on the same page, is like starting a new, happier chapter of life. We have been together for 14+ years so it is only natural fall out-of-step every now and then. Thankfully it's never at the same time, one of us is always there to pull the other back in.

That's normal, I can handle normal.

Kenzie needs serious physical exercise. She is a toddler with infinite amounts of energy. Dan took her out snowboarding, ice skating, and doing all things that he did before he broke his leg. This gave me time to spend with Ketcher. The strength of a second child is their ability to relish time without a sibling. Time spent playing with toys without having them ripped out of their grip. So although it did us both good to have some quality time together, it helped me catch up on work so I didn't have to work at night.

It was time well spent and I feel better.

The kids are chasing the puppy around the house. They are all making a lot of noise but everyone seems happy. I go through the usual morning motions, but today, I have a smile on my face.

Kenzie brings me the stocking ornament from her felt Christmas tree grandma made. When we ask her what it is, she says "it's a foot." I start giggling and she laughs with me. It's more of a screaming hysterical laughter, but she's happy. That's what counts.

Dan heads to the ski hill, and we take up our morning spots on the couch. I fold laundry and think about how thankful I am. I know there will be bad times and I am glad that out of the darkness there will always be light. It's all normal, and I can handle normal.

So many thanks go out to everyone that took the time to comment on my last post. Your thoughts, prayers, and words have not been taken for granted. I hope I can pay-it-forward.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

I can't sleep. It's been days since I have had a complete nights sleep. Although the puppy is adding to the problem, it's not the kids, it's just me.

I climb out of bed and turn off Dan's alarm. He offered to get up with the kids this morning. I let the puppy out and take a quick shower. At 7am I creep down the stairs. I can already hear Kenzie, who is laying on the floor, with her lips pushed against the bottom of the door, calling to me. "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mama, mama, mama, maaaaa, mommmmmmmmYYYYYYYY!"

I feed the puppy and put him back outside. I contemplate opening Kenzie's door, but decide to start with Ketcher.  He is quietly looking at books in his bed, like normal. I hand him one of the many books I have memorized and proceed to recite it as I change his diaper. He is laughing at my different voices as I go through what each character says.  He has an easy calm about him. I thank God every day for his soothing demeanor. The rest of us in this house are all type A people. We all fight for control. It's exhausting.

Meanwhile, Kenzie is calling out relentlessly, but just like every morning, she is a ticking time bomb and the first of many tantrums will come within the first 10 minutes of opening her door.

We finish up and I open her door a crack. She bursts out like a cannon ball running through the house yelling "NO GUS!" Gus (the puppy) is still outside. Ketcher creeps in her room and starts playing with a set of Peanuts characters she could care less about. She notices and goes into hysterics, grabbing and kicking at the small toys. Ketcher hands them over and sighs. He knows not to poke the bear, even at 17 months.

I make eggs, oatmeal, and bagels for breakfast, start Dan's truck, and lean against the counter looking at my hands. They are dry and have cuts all over. Between sewing Halloween stuff and arranging branches on the Christmas tree, they hurt.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

I wonder if they are a reflection of what is going on in my head right now, I am hurting too.

I am tired. I am tired of the screaming, the reasoning with someone totally unreasonable, with the monotony that comes with parenting 2 small children, every day, all day. I am tired of the late nights of working, keeping the house clean, and cooking dinner. I am tired of simply keeping my emotions under wraps and acting like everything is great.

I know I have said this repeatedly, and I say it to myself every day... I designed this life for myself. I have 2 healthy children. I should be elated to be exactly where I wanted to be. Somehow this life is falling short of the grand scheme I had in my mind.

I thought there would be more hugs, more laughs, more happiness. Isn't that what the hallmark channel would lead us to believe? I thought parenting would bring a new level of challenge and closeness to my marriage. Didn't people tell me that when I got pregnant? Aren't I supposed to be relishing every tiny moment in this life I have created?  Isn't that what Disney teaches us? That some day, after we have everything we want, we live happily ever after?

The harsh reality is that small children have no real emotional control. That the screaming and crying grates on your nerves. That doing simple tasks, like going to the store can be physically and emotionally draining. That two people from two different parents, parent differently. That there is very little time to spend emotionally connecting with your partner. That there is really nothing that you can control, aside from the daily activities you choose to do.

The dogs outside barking, pull me from my thoughts. I let them in and start cleaning up plates. The kids are running around the house like maniacs. Kenzie is screaming... so much screaming. I don't know how that girl still has a voice.

As I clean I start to wonder what my problem is...

Before children I would wake early, work out, enjoy the whole process of getting ready, eat a healthy breakfast, jam out to my music on the way to work. Sit in my office all day working to solve all the accounting puzzles that come with the job. I know I am weird like that, but I really do love what I do. I would go out to lunch with my work bestie and shoot the shit. Jam out on the drive home. Go out for dinner and drinks with Dan. Go to bed, and do it all again the next day.

So why did I even want kids? I was lonely. We are away from our families. It's Dan and I. He has his love of adrenaline inducing sports, and I had... a lot of time to think and wonder what my life would be like with someone to take care of. At the time we had 5 healthy, adult dogs. That just wasn't enough. I needed someone to bake cookies with, to help me decorate a Christmas tree, to give my life meaning.

I got it. I didn't want just one, safety in numbers. They can watch out for each other. For a while, things were fine. I was so happy. In awe of the 2 tiny lives we created. Now I have 2 toddlers and I am trying to find the happiness again in my daily life.

Every time someone tells me that these years are the hardest, and "it will get better"... I just want to burst into tears and hug them. I need comforting words like that. I need to know that there may be a time when I do get more happiness and less tears. That the laughter will come easily. That there will be more hugs and less hits. That things won't be so damn hard.

Ketcher is crying. The puppy has tackled him to the ground. I pick him up and he says "Eat?" This kid is a never ending pit of hunger. I fill a cup with cereal and send him on his way. Kenzie notices and is back in hysterics because she doesn't have a cup of cereal. I quickly remedy the situation, and she screams with glee.

Right now, everything is a struggle and I am tired.

You wouldn't notice, but I do.

 

A big thanks to Amber for telling me to tell the real story on my blog. I am glad to have you in my life.