Writings from a Midlife Crisis

Whenever I sit at my computer to do some writing I always hear the digital theme song of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” playing in my head. Remember that show? If you don’t, this post is not for you.

I have been in a sort of mid-life crisis. Don’t shake your head naysayers, the average age for women to have a mid-life crisis is 40 and for men it’s closer to 50, but these are just averages. With my 20 year class reunion approaching this year, I am guessing I am not the only one going through a crisis at the moment.

My blog posts have been few and far between, mostly because I can’t seem to sit down and write something light and comical anymore. I try. I have a lot of posts written but I just can’t seem to push that ‘publish’ button. 

It's lit up in orange more like a caution button. Hmm...

You see my inner critic has been on overdrive for a long time, and it stops me right before I publish my posts. Here is just a sample of what I’ve been hearing: “No one wants to read this.” “You are wasting your time.” “You should be doing something worthwhile.” “Stop trying.” “No one can relate.” That is just about my writing. You should hear what it says about my parenting skills.

Social media has a way of making that inner critic work on overdrive doesn’t it?  Let’s add in the holidays and just scrolling through the feed on a Sunday night will make you feel like you aren’t doing enough, don’t have enough, and just plain are not enough.

This one is for you my Flushing homies.

I worked really hard for a long time to silence that negative voice in my head. Then kids came along and so did sleep deprivation, restructuring of my career, and a lack of self-care. The critic started up again clearer than before.

Two years after kid #2 was born, Dan made the decision to go back to school and it was a whirlwind of packing, moving, and selling a house. The voice quieted down because Dan and I thrive on chaos. Planning, dreaming, and wondering where this new life would take us became the new positive train of thought.

In the middle of it all, I lost my Dad. When that happened the train derailed and exploded in a fiery rage, and I didn’t want anything to change.  I didn’t want to pack up my house. I didn’t want to sell the furniture he had sat on.  I didn’t want to leave the house behind where he met my kids. On the surface, nothing in my life changed, but everything inside me had changed.  That’s when I gave up and let that negative voice take over.

                “You aren’t doing enough for these kids.”

                 

                 "If you only had a better career we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

                “You need to be a better <insert: parent, wife, daughter, friend, sister, person.>”

                “You are worthless.”

                “You will never be the person you should be.”

I constantly felt like I was letting everyone down all the time.  I had given up on myself because I couldn't see a way to make anything better. This cycle of depression is difficult to break out of. We lay in bed swaddled in our negativity, as if we deserve to be miserable. Only when we get up and do something, anything, can we lift our mood.

Anhedonia is a state of mind when you find no pleasure in anything. This was my daily state of mind. I went through the motions day in and day out. I got up every morning and made a big breakfast for my family. I homeschooled the kids and took them to the park. I made dinners and lunches and kept the house clean. I tucked my kids into bed and got my work done. I faked a smile, and silenced the critic before bed with a few cocktails. 

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how bad my thoughts were getting. One day I allowed myself to fall down the ‘rabbit hole’ and I couldn’t seem to pull myself out. The hours ticked by and I was spiraling deeper into despair.  The next day I woke up numb and decided I had enough. This was not me. 

It took about 3 days after my ‘rabbit hole’ episode to understand that I was causing my own state of distress. I started to notice the self-degrading thoughts that were constantly flowing through my head. “You are not your thoughts.” I had said this to people, yet I didn’t even see that I had let my own thoughts take over my life. Your thoughts are a compilation of opinions and almost never the actual truth.

I started to dissect my thoughts like this…

“You aren’t doing enough for these kids.” What is “enough”? I don’t know.  What do I do for my kids? I feed them, I spend time with them, I tuck them in at night, and I make them feel loved. What else is there?

“If you only had a better career we wouldn’t be in this situation.” If I had only had a better career? What’s better than setting my own hours and being home with my kids? What’s better than working from a beach or a mountain? What’s better than sitting in the sun, working from my laptop, while my kids play at the playground?

                “You need to be a better <insert: parent, wife, daughter, friend, sister, person.>” If I can’t be supportive of myself, how can I support anyone else? Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Stop holding on to unrealistic pressure and start working on a healthy state of mind.

                “You are worthless.” I don’t think my family would eat unless I was around to cook, so actually I am keeping 3 people alive and that’s worth more than anything.

                “You will never be the person you should be.” What kind of person should I be? If I can’t answer that question, then this statement is completely invalid.

Negative self talk also causes a distortion of reality. Have you ever been through an event with someone and you both have completely different perceptions? Our point of view can make all the difference in the world.

Here's an example from my own life - Moving a family of 4 across the country for Dan to specialize.  I have viewed this at both view points depending on how healthy my state of mind was at the moment.

1. View Point 1:  Even though we will be down an income, after the program is over we will be much better off. I bet there is so much to do in Seattle. This will be a fun adventure for the next 2 years! 
2. View Point 2: How can we even think about relocating to an expensive city while losing our largest income source? I have never even been to Seattle and all I know is that is rains constantly. This is going to suck. 

Can you guess which one I thought as my depression got worse?

One tool must be used to break the cycle of negativity: Writing things down. This is a must when you are trying to dissect your words because the mind is like a slippery slide that can send you in any direction. You can't do this in your head it HAS to be written down.

Here is an actual example from this week:

Task: Buying donuts for Dan's class (seriously... the only difference between this and a kindergarten class is that adults can eat sugar.)
Negative self talk: I won't be able to pick the right donuts. Everyone will complain about them and Dan will come home in a bad mood. It will be all my fault.
Perception of task: What is the point of buying these donuts that no one will like? I can't possibly pick something to satisfy everyone. There are too many choices. I'm sure I will get all the wrong ones.
Talking back to the negative voice: It's donuts. Seriously. If they don't like the ones you pick f*** it. In the unlikely event that Dan comes home moody due to donuts just tell him to pick his own donuts next time. Again... donuts... you can't really go wrong.
Actual outcome: Dan said "Everyone liked the donuts. Nice job!"

How ludicrous was it that I stressed over donuts? <shaking my head, seriously>  Next time you are stressing about something small just remember how our negative perceptions can color the silliest of tasks.

Sums it up perfectly doesn't it?

Recognizing your negative thoughts takes practice. Talking back to your negative thoughts is liberating. Replacing your negative thoughts is a skill we all need to master.

Clearly I have a long journey ahead of me, but just making these small changes has brought back some of the humor and contentment that I lost so many months ago. 

As I push the ‘publish’ button on this post, my thoughts are still:

     “Don’t do it.”
     “You are going to offend someone.”
     “No one will read this.”
     “This post is garbage.”
     “Donut stress? Don't embarrass yourself.”
     “At least you didn't use 'donut' to replace 'don't'... you saved a little shred of your dignity there.”

I am choosing to silence those thoughts right now with the hope that this post will reach someone who needs it and maybe we can take this journey together.

A must read if you have been down on yourself lately: “Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns. Also, I am not in any way a mental health professional and if you are having manic episodes or suicidal thoughts you need to seek professional help as soon as possible. There are people that can help. You are not alone.

After reading this I think we could all use a donut… donut you? Ah hem. I’ll stop now… 

Actual stock photo from Top Pot Donuts - a Seattle must!