First day of school

The first day of Kindergarten, what an odd emotional task to drop your child off at school for the first time. After 5 1/2 years of being with each other every moment of the day, you would think the feeling of relief would be stronger than the sadness of loosening the strings that bind us. 

Standard first day of school shot.

Some of the thoughts that rush through your head:

• Have I taught her enough to be safe?
• Will the other kids be kind?
• Will she be kind to other kids?
• Will the teacher treat her fairly?
• Will she follow directions?
• Will she be scared? 

Worse than the questions about her first day are questions like these:

• Why didn't I play with her more?
• Will she remember all the days we spent together before school started?
• Why is SHE comforting ME? Aren't I supposed to be the strong one?

I remember a time not so long ago that I was looking at everyone else's 'back-to-school' pictures and feeling envy. I remember being so isolated, in the thick of raising an infant and a toddler, that I was dreaming of the day I would drop my kids off at school and have time to run errands without packing a 10 gallon sack full of diapers, bottles, toys, and snacks. I still wouldn't want to go back to those days, although if anyone has an infant they need me to hold for a few hours I am eager to help out. 

Now that the kids are 4 & 5 they are so fun. They are also still a lot of work, make no mistake about THAT. The needs and wants are endless. Together they are continuously hungry and the moment I sit down their bodies catapult into starvation mode, even if an entire plate of food is sitting in front of them. They can do everything themselves, as long as I am there to clean up the spills and broken pieces. They are so brave, as long as there is a pack of band-aids and healing mommy kisses at the ready.

They talk endlessly. When one stops the other picks up. They ask questions about everything under the sun, and moon, and in outer-space.  They aren't satisfied with a vague answer. They want to read a book about it, or see a picture of it, take it apart and put and it back together to see how it all works. I haven't had a moment of silence in 5.5 years but I've learned more than I could have ever imagined. 

They are best friends and the worst of enemies depending on which way the wind is blowing. They can scream at one another about complete non-sense and then hold hands in the back seat. 

I knew my feelings about dropping Kenzie at school were much stronger than her feelings about leaving us. Every night I would read her 'first-day-of-school' books and by the end of the book I was so choked up I could barely finish. As I was baking cupcakes for Kenzie's 'welcome-home-from-your-first-day-of-school' party - because you know how much I love to throw parties for no particular reason - I started tearing up thinking about how strong and smart and independent she is, and wondering if school is going to change her wild spirit. 

Yesterday in the midst of chaos in her classroom, among parents/grandparents/siblings all attempting to talk their kid into being excited and not scared, being friendly and not shy, letting go and not clinging to their legs, my child was the one that told me to let go. On Facebook I posted this blurb about what happened:

First day of kindergarten. When I bent down to say goodbye she put her arms around my neck and whispered “It’s okay Mama, you’ll be fine without me.” I was so choked up when she pulled away my “I love you” was barely audible. My eyes were so full of tears one blink and they would have spilled over. When she noticed she quickly covered my eyes with her tiny hands and said “maybe you should go now.” 🤦‍♀️😆

She's ready to start the day and get me out of there.

That brown bag is a gift to the parent from the teacher.
Kenzie colored the bag on Kindergarten orientation day.

I know she'll be fine. I know I'll be fine. I know I'll keep telling myself both of those things until they are true. 

Ketcher and I stayed out of the house for most of the day yesterday, maybe because we are used to the chaos, the loudness, the energy that surrounds Kenzie when she enters a room. When we got home it was quiet. Too quiet. Within a couple of hours we were picking her up and it was as it always has been. We threw our little celebration complete with pink bears and cupcakes. Kenzie thanked me profusely for letting her go to school and she can't wait to go again. 

Welcome Home from School Party!

I guess I bought that pink bear for both of us. She hugs it when she's home and I hug it when she's gone. It's silly to be emotional over a first day of kindergarten, but it is the first time I realize that my time with her is so short and one day the drop off will be to a life of her own. 

Ketch and I are sitting at the table quietly this morning. Kenzie was already dropped at school. We are still in a weird state of not knowing what we should do without our ball of energy to guide us. Next year he will be off to kindergarten and I will be running errands with nothing but myself to look after. No kids asking for a bathroom or a snack. No one telling me they are bored after 10 minutes at Target. No one fighting over who gets to ride in the cart. No one to cry when we leave the toy isle, or beg relentlessly for one piece of candy at checkout. Maybe this won't be so bad after all... 

In the meantime, I can't squander my time crying over what will happen 13 years from now. I have to instill in Ketcher a thirst for knowledge and an open mind before I drop him at school next year. I don't know what our future educational plans are for the kids, I might homeschool again when the time is right, they may end up staying in school for good, or maybe doing a hybrid if our future state allows such things. Whatever the future holds, you can bet these two littles will be able to handle it. I just have to figure out how to handle myself.

First unit: The Human Body