Welcome 2018

I just read through my year end blog post for 2016 and I just shake my head. I was so inspired and hopeful and grasping at anything to mask the pain and grief. 

If I am being perfectly honest with myself about 2017 it really broke me down. All that hopeful optimism just seems a bit naïve now. 

The year started out well. I pulled myself away from the pity party I was having about losing my Dad. I focused on making moments with other people. Alas, I would lose my way all too soon.

Early in the year I took being busy to an Olympic level. A basic coping mechanism used to ignore my feelings. I won the gold but at what expense?  I worked, and worked, and worked. I packed, I homeschooled, I cooked, I cleaned, and I wore myself down to nothing: A shell of a human so out of touch with anything other than anger and stress that it became an addiction. I didn’t even want to be happy, I just wanted to be busy.  

At the same time, I threw myself into minimalism before the move. I couldn’t just condense, I had to get extreme about it. 30 pieces of clothing. 1 bag of toiletries. 1 set of bedding. 1 binder of important documents. 1 box of pictures. When we finally started our move to Seattle we went an entire month living out of suit cases. The remaining possessions were stuck on a truck and we were sort of homeless, living at hotels for weeks. When that truck showed up in front of our new rental house, the relief washed over me. I realized that I was NOT a minimalist. Minimalism has its purpose, but having options is a luxury that I absolutely took for granted until that moment.

When the unpacking was done, which didn’t take long since I minimized us down so much, I rewrote a new homeschool schedule for the kids. I scheduled our days out to the minute, never spending too much time on one activity. If you follow me on Instagram (@ayoung102) you saw all those crafty, artsy posts I did with the kids.  As summer progressed it became too hot to be in the house. We spent all day everyday outside. I incorporated our lessons into nature making letters out of sticks. Running our fingers in the sand to spell words and do math problems. I wrote stories while they played in the water and read them at night when the sun was still blazing but they were too exhausted to keep their eyes open.

It was in these sunny days and quiet nights that I realized something in me was broken. I was disconnected from myself. What did I want? What did I need? I didn’t even know. Honestly, I still don’t know. Maybe I never will.

One thing was sure, I was not going to enjoy myself in Seattle. I refused. I would not be open to this city or the people in it. This was a temporary move and I wasn’t going to get attached. Nope. I absolutely and excessively shut myself off.

As fall came, so did the cloudy, rainy days. I was walking a tightrope. If I fall, it was going to be head first into a depression. As the days passed my anxiety kept growing heavier making me lose my footing. There were days I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stand back up.

December arrived and I still couldn’t shake it. The holiday would have been ruined if it weren’t for some sage advice from Dan. He reminded me that once upon a time I wasn’t so fond of Colorado and now I look back and desperately miss my Colorado friends, the weather and the life I had there.

It was like cold water was being poured down my back. Was I simply shutting myself off from anything good here? Was I going to do that for 2 years? Why am I so stubborn about this move? When I woke up the next morning the phrase “Carpe Diem” lingered in my mind.

A few days later Dan left with Kenzie on a trip and I did not squander one second of time while he was gone. Ketch and I went to museums, brunch, and playgrounds. I chatted with other parents, exchanged numbers, and reached out for playdates. The friends I had made, that I had kept at a distance, welcomed me right in. I booked sitters, went out, and had a great time.

It was the first time in Seattle I wasn’t running on empty. I welcomed the holiday with open arms and experienced the true magic of a white Christmas never taking one unique snowflake for granted.

I finally started to fall in love with Seattle as so many people before me have done.

Capturing the absolute beauty of pink flowers in snow.

As this year draws to a close tonight, I do not welcome 2018 with hopeful optimism. Instead I welcome 2018 with the reality that things are what they are and I am going to go with the flow.  I will no longer take things for granted because life is short, and our stay in this beautiful city is even shorter. 

Carpe Diem my friends & happy New Year!