I have been avoiding my thoughts. Keeping busy creating activities for the kids, finding new recipes, unpacking the new house, dealing with sick kids, staying caught up with work just so I won't need to think. I guess I am worried at what I might feel when it is quiet. Sadness that I lost my Dad? Worried that we have to move again in less than a year? Nervous that my entire life is completely changing?
The answers are complicated, but ultimately I am okay. There is no doubt that my dad was taken WAY too soon for my liking, but he didn't suffer even a moment. Did you know that he had just finished an ice cream bar? He said "That was good." Isn't that how we all want to go? His food choices and smoking habits could have ended his life with years of suffering. It would have been so much more painful to witness his robust self withering away at the hands of diabetes, heart disease, or cancer.
He is good now. I know he is good because he is with me. I used to see him only a few times a year or when he would walk through while I was FaceTiming my mom. Now I feel him with me all the time, every moment of every day. I can hear him every time I order a coke and they say "We only have Pepsi." He says "I guess I'll survive." I can see him covering his mouth and giggling when my mom finds stacks of brand new clothes buried beneath his favorite holy tee-shirts he continued to wear. I am sure Dan is channeling him when he refuses to buy gas at a station 3 cents more than the one 30 minutes away. I can still feel him rooting for the lions and then shaking his head when they play just like they always did.
I know he is with my kids too because they bring up "papa in the hat" at random times throughout the day. They haven't seen him in person in months, but they say they miss "papa in the hat" and that he is having lunch with friends. I can see him whenever Ketcher wears his lions sweatshirt, or hat.
On Halloween this year, you can bet he is going to be haunting the lady that threatened to sue him when he wore the gorilla suit and scared the living shit out of her years ago.
Maybe I don't need to avoid my thoughts completely. When I tune them in they really do bring me joy and laughter.
I am still worried about our next move. I am still trying to steady myself. I am still avoiding long silences, but I am not sad. I am living and he is right there along side me giving me strength and telling me to stop wearing jeans with holes in them.
Got it Dad! Maybe I will...
I will get back to parenting and humor as soon as I can, as always thank you for reading!
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