If I had one word for 2016 it would be shocking. It was full of shocking moments that were both happy and unbearably tragic. Some of the moments that will be burned into my memory are when Dan decided he wanted to go back to school, we sold a house, we moved, I lost a parent, Kenzie learned to read and write, and finally learning that a whole new journey has been laid out in front of me.
Now, I am not going
to put up a white picket fence around a yard full of dog turds. There were
moments this year when I pleaded with God to make me wake up from this horrific
nightmare. I had to wrap my arms around my body for days because it was the
only way I could physically and emotionally hold myself together. I couldn’t
eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even feel. I played the
fake-it-till-you-make-it game for weeks just so no one would have to be
burdened about my well-being. I felt the hands of darkness pulling at me.
However, two things always remain true:
1. Life is just a
series of moments.
2. Light always
trumps dark.
There is no time to succumb to the dark when you have to be
a parent. With a 2 & 3 year old life is a list of tasks with no time in
between for self-reflection, or grieving, or even processing. I went through
the usual stages of grief, lingering in the poor
me, life is unfair stage for a little too long.
Finally, I just sat quietly and processed everything that
had been happening in my peripheral vision. There were some really great
moments mixed into this mess of change and emotion. If I had to choose between dwelling
on the terrible moments and holding on to the great ones, what am I choosing
right now? Which do I want to
choose? What are YOU choosing right now?
It is in those moments that I decided I would only go to the
light because light beats dark. Every. Time. Don’t believe me? Go into
a dark closet in the middle of the night, turn on a flashlight or light a
match… darkness can’t snuff out the light. Light always wins.
I would say most people do some soul searching after a
tragedy and I am no different. I found,
nay, was
guided to begin a new journey. One of the highlights includes doing
random acts of kindness for people. This is interesting because up until now I
have not really been much a people person. I have always preferred animals over
people, I generally keep my head down so I don’t have to talk to people, and
let’s face it… I am a work-at-home, small business accountant… my career
literally was designed so I didn’t have to interact with people.
A few days ago I was prompted to do something kind for a
stranger. Very simply, I bought a woman’s meal at subway. The moment I
paid, the feeling of light and gratification I got from spending $5 on a
stranger, made me happier than anything I have felt in months. My heart felt like it
swelled up and was about to burst. My head was tingly like after a glass of
wine on an empty stomach. You couldn’t slap the smile off my face for hours. As
I was leaving subway she called out with tears in her eyes “Why did you do this?” I just called back “Merry Christmas!”
On the way home I felt my dad sitting in the passenger seat
looking at me smiling. I could feel the proud radiating from him. It was a moment of complete happiness, joy,
and contentment. It’s those moments of happiness when I can feel my Dad so
close it’s as if he never left, and I'm beginning to realize he hasn't.
If you have lost a loved one, you have probably experienced
a feeling that they were near at a particular time. My experience with my Dad
being close and helping to guide me out of grief and into a realm of happiness
and contentment goes way beyond this one instance, but that story is for
another post, or another blog, or you might just think I’m nuts.
My 2017 journey begins with great happiness and light, when
it could have easily ended in grief and darkness. To me that is shocking. I would
have never imaged I would lose my Dad while he was so young. I would have never
expected to find happiness while finding a way to live without him. I have new
opportunities to change lives on the horizon and that is more hope than I could
have possibly imagined at this point in my life.
So 2017, I am ready for you. Let’s head to Seattle and start
changing the world!
If you are struggling
with the loss of a loved one, please reach out to me. It would be nice to find like-minded individuals to help processes our grief together. If you see signs like pennies, feathers, rainbows, or just a feeling that you know they are there... I can assure you, they are. Thank you for reading!
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