Keep your kids safe from sexual abuse

Sexual Assault Awareness AND Child Abuse Awareness month are coming up in April, I wanted to pass on my knowledge, from the books I have read, about how to keep kids safe from sexual abuse. Sorry, no humor here, but this really needs to be read and shared. If we can help one child from abuse, we help one child live a life free from all the terror and insecurity of being robbed of their innocence.

Statistics: 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys are sexually abused as children. This statistic is partially based on estimation because child sexual abuse is wildly under reported.

If I do a quick calculation on all the parents/grandparents/guardians I am friends with on facebook (that will hopefully read this post) and all of their children combined that could potentially be saved from abuse, we are saving a LOT of kids. (It should be noted that I did not actually do any calculations while working on this post.)

This topic is still considered taboo, however child sexual abuse thrives on secrecy. Do not wait until your child is "old enough" to educate yourself. In an alarming number of cases the abuse began when the child was only 3 years old. The point at which it was reported (if at all - most child sexual abuse is not reported), is not until the child is a teenager or an adult. Years of abuse and coping leaves the child feeling unprotected and abandoned, and leaves the abusers door open to so many other children.

If you can, please read:
Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse

This book should be required reading for all parents, but let's face it, we have very little time. In the book, the author interviewed child sexual abusers, in prison, to find out the circumstances behind their assaults. Nearly all of the abusers had the same answers.

What is child sexual abuse?

First of all you should know what child sexual abuse is: At the extreme end of the spectrum, sexual abuse includes sexual intercourse or its deviations. Yet all offences that involve sexually touching a child (or forcing them to touch someone else), as well as non-touching offenses (showing child things of sexual nature, talking inappropriately to a child about sexual topics),  and sexual exploitation, are just as harmful and devastating to a child's well-being. Definition used from americanhumane.org.

Tips to keep your kids safe:

Here are some important points from the book on keeping your kids safe:

• Do not blindly drop your kids off at lessons, or play dates, without checking things out. Ask questions, see the house, be intrusive. This will usually scare off a potential child abuser. A piano teacher abused hundreds of children, because parents dropped their children off at his house and left. No questions, no visits. He said he would have been scared to abuse a child whose parents had come in and looked around, even once.
• Teach your kids the proper names for their body parts. Child abusers tend to go after kids that call their body parts cutesy names. They stated that the child was naïve and the parents probably didn't discuss uncomfortable topics with their kids.
• Watch for behavior changes. Changes in behavior are key indicators that something is wrong. It could be grades going from straight As to failing. An outgoing, happy child becoming melancholy and withdrawn. A child who used to care about their appearance is purposely trying to be unnoticeable.
• Pay attention when your child doesn't like someone. It is not natural for children to have strong feelings of dislike toward an adult. There is probably a reason for it and it is rare when they come straight out and say that they are being abused. Usually they will say things like "I don't like him." "He is mean." "He is bad." It's very general, and they are waiting for you to take the initiative and ask the hard questions. There was a case where the boy was being molested by his church youth counselor. He told his mother he didn't like the man. The mom got angry and told him not to say things like that. The boy never said another word about it. His mother failed to protect him, or get him the help he needed. Not only that, the man went on to abuse so many other children that could have been protected.
• Do not force your children to hug and kiss other family members or children. They should learn at an early age that they are in control of who touches their bodies. If they feel comfortable and want to give a hug, it should be up to them.
• Teach your child about secrets. Child sexual abuse often goes unreported because the abuser teaches them to keep secrets. Tell your child that surprises can be kept because they make people happy and excited, but secrets are hurtful and unsafe.

Other important information:

The majority (but not all) of sexual abusers are heterosexual men, that know the child in some way. It is rarely a complete stranger. Generally the abuser was abused as a child. This is passed down through generations. Abusers prey on children... not necessarily a specific gender.

Helping a child that has been abused:

What happens after the abuse:

• If you think something may have happened, ask questions, talk about it. It will be uncomfortable for both of you, but they will feel safe and begin to heal.
• Get your child into therapy or counseling. The earlier you begin this, the earlier they will heal. Coping is not healing. Healing is recognizing something happened, surrounding them with support, and finding out what they need to move on.
• Report the abuser. Help save another child from abuse.

Helping the child to heal, not just cope:

Healing from child sexual abuse:

• Therapy is beneficial for children and parents. If the child has siblings, they might benefit as well. If the abuser was a family member, it is possible the abuse has happened to the other children and they didn't tell anyone.
• Healing is a long road. They need to feel safe and that someone is protecting them. There is no single path to healing, with your love and guidance, your child will heal on their own time.
• Spending extra time with your child, in a loving and safe environment, will help them on the road to acceptance and gaining back their self-esteem.

Children that suffer abuse alone can end up in a struggle with unhealthy coping mechanisms for the rest of their life: drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, to name a few... and in the worst situations a greater propensity for adult rape/abuse or repeating the abuse on other children.

What to avoid:

DO NOT:

• Do NOT minimize the situation. Being touched inappropriately, or dealing any sexual situation before they are ready, is something confusing and terrible for a child to have to sort out. Do not use comparisons such as rape vs. molestation, or if you were abused as a child, comparing their situation to yours.
• Do NOT ignore the situation. There are other children in danger. Get your child help and report it to the police to protect other children.
• Do NOT blame the child. This goes without saying, but some people are stupid. Your child, or teenager, needs your support and unconditional love. No matter what the circumstances were they were NOT at fault.
• Do NOT allow contact between your child and the abuser. If it is a family member, it may feel like a loss to everyone to not spend holidays with the family, but what is important, is standing up for your child. Be their hero. Save them from the shame and hurt that would come from forcing everyone to be in the same location.
• Do NOT lose control of yourself in front of them. They need a safe space to talk about the situation. If you start screaming and crying and threatening to hurt their abuser, they may not feel safe. Go to the police, but first talk to your child and make sure they feel safe.

Educate yourself!

This post is by no means all inclusive, please go to the library or jump on amazon and educate yourself.

Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse

I have not read these but some of them are only $0.99 if you have a kindle, or the app on your phone:
Pedophiles Don't Discriminate: How to Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse
No More Secrets: Protecting Your Child from Sexual Assault

There are tons of books to educate even the youngest kids on what is inappropriate:
I Said No! A Kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private
Your Body Belongs to You
No Means No!: Teaching children about personal boundaries, respect and consent; empowering kids by respecting their choices and their right to say, 'No!'
Do You Have a Secret? (Let's Talk About It!)

If you are a victim of child sexual abuse there are also a lot of recovery books to help you heal:
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 20th Anniversary Edition
It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion
Hush: Moving From Silence to Healing After Childhood Sexual Abuse

There are so many other facets of sexual abuse when it comes to technology. Please get educated and teach your children about the warning signs of online stalkers and video game "groomers".

More resources:

A great website for further resources and information: http://www.stopitnow.org/

Educating the masses? PSA is a company I work for that creates and distributes awareness materials. Please check out their website for DVDs, promotional items, sliders, and display materials: www.psacorp.com.

Please share this post to help keep kids safe.

Again, please share this so we can help protect our kids.

Where is the kindness in kids?!

My hands are shaking as I set the library books on the counter. I smile at our favorite elderly librarian who is talking to my kids, which are eagerly awaiting stamps that smell like chocolate. My heart is beating out of my chest and I am telling myself to calm down... a few more minutes and we will be outside.

The kids look over at me and smile. They are standing on the steps that make them tall enough to do the library transactions all by themselves. Kenzie is putting books in her book bag. She hands one to Ketcher, because she knows he likes to feel important too. They are good kids.

The librarian gives out the bumble bee stamp Kenzie picked, and I can see the kids that caused my elevated stress level standing at the entrance of the kids library section. Their Mom is talking to them.

My kids both say a thank-you for the stamps and off we go. A few more seconds... and... we are out.

As soon as we are in the car, I let my anger wash over me.

A nice trip to the library to return books and get a few more, turned ugly. As soon as we walked into the kids room, Kenzie made a bee line for a little boy and girl, maybe 6 years old, sitting on the dragon perched at the top of the "stage"... which is a little more than a glorified stair case up the wall. I try not to intervene, but I am always close enough to listen to what is happening.

Kenzie: "Hi! My name is Kenzie! Want to play with me?"
(We have worked with her on how to introduce herself to other kids.)
Kids: Looking away from her. Nasty faces. Talking to each other.

I am walking with Ketcher and letting him climb the bridge, which is his favorite part of library time. I hear the kids say "Go away!" I walk over to Kenzie with a colorful book and she is distracted for a moment.

The kids walk around and Kenzie inevitably tries to follow.

"Stop following us! Go away!"

Where the hell is the Mom at this point? Oh right behind us, choosing to ignore how awful her kids are being a 3 year old. Awesome.

I get her reasonably distracted and we pick out some Pooh Bear books, and a song book. The kids are back on the top step and Kenzie runs up to sit with them.

The little girl says: "Stop following us, we don't like you!"

I lose my shit.

I don't give a rats ass if that Mom is in the room or not. I walk over to them, pick up my daughter whose face is no longer smiling, and I said: "That was NOT NICE!" and walked away.

Oh... what I would have loved to really say...

I looked at the Mom who obviously heard me and gave her my best - you are a terrible person - face.

I am still sitting in the car. I haven't put it in drive yet. I need to calm down.. I text Dan to tell him how terrible, once again, the people in this town can be. We live in a touristy mountain town. Idealistic from the outside. On the inside, people can be self-entitled, spoiled, jerks. I don't care if you push your attitudes on me, but I will be damned if you, or your children, are going to treat my kids like that.

The kids are getting restless. I start driving to the grocery store and I talk to Kenzie about what happened. I tell her she is kind, and I am proud of her for being nice, even when other kids were being mean.

We get home from running errands and Dan comes home for lunch. He asks Kenzie about her library trip. She tells him all about the two kids that kept saying: "Stop following us, we don't like you."

Hearing it from her mouth is like a punch in the gut. Sometimes I assume she might be too young to understand what is happening, but that is totally untrue. She gets it. She just chose to ignore their comments and keep trying to play with them. She is kind. We are teaching her the right attitudes. Unfortunately it breaks my heart that this happens over and over again.

I am sure there are mean kids in every town, in every class, in every grade... but why? Why is it so hard to teach our kids kindness? Compassion? A sense of community?

Today I will be hugging the Littles tighter and try to be thankful that my kids are the nice ones.

Thank you for reading! Please support your local library and read to your Littles. There is nothing better than a good book and a snuggly baby in your lap, especially when the book teaches kindness.

Sleep Habits: Luck or Influence?

"You were lucky with Kenzie! The next one is going to give you a run for your money!" - everyone

This is not something I want to think about, but as my due date approaches I am starting to get nervous. Was she born the way she is, or did I influence it? 

Kenzie is a great sleeper. At 15 months she sleeps a solid 12 hours at night and takes a 1.5 hour nap every day. She has slept through the night since she was 5 months old. Even before that she only woke once a night after the first 2 months.

How could I have influenced that?

Before she was born, and immediately following, I read Baby Wise, Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, 90 Minute Sleep Solution, and any other sleep book I could download into my Kindle. I had an arsenal of tools to use when things weren't working.

What I think probably helped the most was that I was home all day, every day. I never left the house unless it was scheduled immediately following a nap, and I was sure to be home before her next nap time. I gave up all my summer nights at the marina, to be home by 6pm so she could go to sleep on time. I never let her catnap in the stroller or car seat. If there was anything I was (and still am) psycho about, it's her sleep.

Even if I influenced her good sleep habits, what happens now?  The new baby will come and Kenzie will be 18 months old. A full toddler, tantrums and all. A toddler needs to get out in nature and release all that pent up energy. How will I maintain a baby sleep schedule?

I am starting to think the type A, strict schedule, will need to take a back seat to an easy going guideline. If baby #2 sleeps for an hour in his stroller while Kenzie has a great time running around the play ground, maybe that's a win. If the car seat lulls him to sleep, while we drive to our favorite pizza place, that's ok too. The new goal will be to have the majority of his sleep at home, in the crib.

Will loosening the reins mean a worse kid? I don't know, but I might be a happier parent.